I have been with my partner for six years and living together for three. Yesterday he told me that he has been meeting up with a woman he sort of used to see and I’m not sure how to take it.We all met in university, and the pair of them spent a lot of time together but as far as I know, never slept together or actually dated. Then she went off with someone else and about a year after that, he and I got together. I have to admit that I did get a bit jealous and insecure seeing her around campus all the time as I got the feeling he wasn’t over her, but when we left university, they didn’t keep in touch. Now he has told me that somehow last month they saw each other randomly and he has met up with her a few times since. I’m really annoyed because he hid it from me, but he says nothing is going on, he just kept quiet because he knew I would get angry. He was right on that part and I insisted on looking through his phone and facebook to see their interaction, which he didn’t object to or hesitate saying yes to. Everything does seem innocent, she is getting married in a few months and even suggested going on a double date… but I can’t fight that niggling feeling that there is something between them. I’ve asked him not to see her again but he wouldn’t agree to that and said I was being unreasonable and she is, and always was, just a friend. Am I being unreasonable? If I’m honest with myself, I would not be reacting this way if the old friend he was meeting up with was male. However at the same time I know how much he used to like her and I don’t get why he hid it from me, unless there is a REASON to hide it. He’s the love of my life and I can’t lose him to her.
View related questions: facebook, insecure, jealous, university
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 November 2018):
I say GO on that double date.Seriously. It will show him that you CAN behave like an adult, that you can RESPECT that he will have friends and DO NOT need your approval for whom he makes friends with, and it will give you an opportunity to met her and her fiance in a social setting, who knows YOU might even make a new friend.He hid it because he KNEW you would put some drama or spin on it. He shouldn’t have. But that is neither here nor there.Being controlling is a SURE way to lose a good partner. And I do find it’s a bit controlling to go through his shit to see if he “behaved”. You need to either trust the man or let him go.And IF he decides to dump you for her, which isn’t likely as she is getting married and is probably happy with her man – then THAT is not something you can prevent.
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A female reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (16 November 2018):
Some boyfriends treat their girlfriends like princesses and would do whatever the girlfriends asked. Some boyfriends treat women equally and would not like being told what to do. Your boyfriend didn’t tell you about meeting up with her to avoid confrontation. You have no reason to be angry. Your being emotional and checking up his facebook only showed your insecurity. Have some confidence in yourself. The future depends on how good your relationship is and if there’s any trust issues. Yours is considered a long term relationship but you are not getting married yet. Today you are living together but one of you could leave any day. So this could be causing your anxiety. Sure that many people idealizes their old flames, especially when they had no physical history and their perfect imagination of the “what ifs” remain intact. If he wasn’t over her, it would be painful to see her getting married soon. A person who has the intention to flirt, to get intimate, knowing the other is going to get married is not a respectful person anyway. They suggested double dating so I don’t feel that his intention to see her was to rekindle anything. If meeting up with a friend carries the risk of losing your boyfriend then he’s not really yours to being with. It’s your inner demons that you have to fight on your own.
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