Sorry for the long post, I am hoping that by writing all this down it will be a bit cathartic and you guys might be able to give me a bit of a support.
Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I’m 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely… I don’t really know how to describe the relationship as we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She’s 45, three kids and just divorced although she’s still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren’t together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn’t do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn’t care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.I had also noticed that she wasn’t messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I’d message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn’t be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn’t saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I’m assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn’t seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she’s always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn’t really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn’t really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn’t see me.We met up for a drink the night before she ended things and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since – 5 months now. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that.I feel better than I did in the immediate couple of weeks after but am still struggling in some ways, I think about her all the time and wonder each day if today might be the day she gets back in touch but I think she has probably moved on now that it has been that amount of time, she is probably seeing someone else too – I now think the reason she ended it was because she wanted to explore it further with one of the guys she was messaging whilst together with me in that final month.
View related questions: a break, divorce, facebook, friend with benefits, her ex, on holiday
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A female reader, Anonymous 123 + ♥, writes (22 November 2018):
She actually did you a huge favour and your going to realise that sooner than later. It’s ok to feel bad for now but there has to be a point when you stop getting sorry for yourself. Just shake it off, remind yourself the whatever happened was for the best and live life with an open mind. You will definitely meet someone new, someone who deserves you. From what you’ve written and the way you’ve written, you do sound like a lovely guy. You’re intense, passionate, genuine, you care deeply… Any woman would be lucky to have you. Believe me, it’s her loss not yours. You know what they say, “you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”Even if she were to reach out to you, you shouldn’t take her back her. It’s time to move on. High time.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 November 2018):
Honestly OP?You were her rebound. ONE of her rebounds.I all this flitting about from trying out various men to see what she really wants… is her reaction to the divorce. It’s rather immature and selfish for a woman of 48, if you ask me.She doesn’t REALLY care that you developed feelings for her. Not did she ASK you to. Or expect you too. She tried to keep it at a FWB/F-buddy because I don’t think she is ACTUALLY really to date, not emotionally.The whole seeing as many men as she can might be a response to the divorce and to her soon-to-be-ex. She wants to show him that SHE still got it. She wants to show herself, that she’s still got it and the men (like you) were sort of just props for her ego.I get that you decided she was a lovely woman and you wanted something more and more serious, she can’t and won’t give you that. Which is also why she “dumped” you the first time and chased after another man. She knew you had developed feelings for her and she didn’t want that.OP, here is the good news. IF you can find ONE woman with whom you click, you enjoy the company, you share interests, you feel attraction, who has qualities you can see yourself being with long term…. then YOU can find another.Her life was a MESS! when you met her, and it probably will be a MESS for quite a while. No one gets out of a long term marriage, with kids, sharing a house and be ready to move on and date seriously. A second piece of advice, it’s OK to date someone with baggage, at your age or older… finding someone without baggage is minimal. However, DO NOT date someone who either LIVES with their ex or who is NOT fully divorced. Why do I say that? Because their lives are in somewhat shambles. It’s a mess. And they won’t be ready to invest EMOTIONALLY in someone new.I think you need to accept that she WAS NOT as into you, as you were into her. And holding out hope that she might one day pop back in your life and tell you that she regrets ending it and wanting to be with you… I think it’s unrealistic.And I think, OP that you DESERVE so much more than being USED as “entertainment”.You obviously WANT a relationship, not just some FWB/F-buddy thing, so don’t SETTLE for being a FWB/F-buddy.Want more for yourself, OP and chin up.
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A male reader, kenny + ♥, writes (22 November 2018):
I think that the outcome of this is the best scenario that could have happened. Its been five months, so emotional feelings for her should now be dissipating. Im not going to go into the ins and out of what you should or should not have done, to much time has past for that.I think you have done the right thing in not replying to her last correspondence, and rejecting the game of words on facebook. Its has been five months now, detatch yourself from her now and move on with your life. Sooner or later you will meet someone who you love and cherish.
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