I am in a 2.5-year relationship with a Southamerican girl (we are both 36; she is here on a temporary work/study permit). She is sweet and loves me, and I love her too, but I cannot stop thinking about breaking up with her…why? I don’t find her very interesting (never did but overlooked it) and sex is not great (Never was, but overlooked it because she is sort of hot). Currently, we have sex 2-3 times a month at best and she starfishes on me most of the times. I probably should have ended this relationship earlier but I didn’t because of guilt, cowardice, and hope on things getting better. Well, they haven’t…she is always tired after work and that probably won’t change…At this point either she doesn’t want to change or is unable…I don’t think it matters…life with her is not bad…just dull/boring…and even if we had more sex…I just don’t crave it with her anymore… So I know I have to break up with her.She currently is visiting family down in southamerica and will come back next week. I will wait until she comes back to talk to her… How should I approach this?… Two and a half years are not a neglectable amount of time…We currently share an apartment lease that I know she cannot afford (I can). I guess I still should tell her that she can decide to keep it or IF she doesn’t want to (cuz she can’t) I will keep it. One final question…Do you guys think I am being “reasonable”? Are my reasons to break up valid?Thank you!
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 September 2018):
This is not a question of “reasonable” or not. This is a question of whether you want to spend time going forward with this lady, the answer to which is obviously a resounding “NO”. You need to finish things quickly and cleanly (and kindly). Say the relationship just isn’t working for you and that you wish her all the best. She deserves someone who loves her unconditionally, which you do not. Yes, offering her the option to take over the lease would be the kind thing to do. However, you know she won’t be able to afford it on her own, so help her find a place of her own that she CAN afford and help her move. Then take her name off the lease.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (23 September 2018):
People breakup for various reasons; each person has their own reasons. What’s valid for you may not be valid for me. One universal-reason, and may be the most common; is when you are not in-love with your romantic-partner. Otherwise, what’s the point? You may as well be friends; not faking a relationship.If you don’t feel anything; why are you wasting her time? Holding a person as an emotional-hostage for convenience, or cowardice, is surely worse than being honest. If she is in-love with you, she deserves the truth. Whatever her reaction to it will be. Considering the circumstances, I would think she’s somewhat aware of the fact that she is only here in the United States until her work/study visa expires. I’d bet on the possibility that she is prepared to return home; or apply for an extension to complete her education. She may not be hedging all her decisions or future-plans on a guy who isn’t particularly loving or affectionate to her; unless she has ulterior-motives. She may be more aware of the situation that you give her credit for; and could be using you!She should be given sufficient notice to find herself another place to live. If her name is on the lease, she has a right to get her share of the rental-deposit back, if she remains until it runs-out. That is, if she paid any portion of it. It would behoove you to come clean with her as soon as possible. So you should breakup sooner rather than later.It’s up to her, if she wants to stay-out the remainder of the lease. If she leaves sooner, she has no right to any of the deposit. However, you should give it to her in good-faith; since it’s your idea to end the relationship. Which also interrupts the lease-agreement, if it’s a two-party signature lease. If she does decides to keep the apartment, better hope she doesn’t trash the place, and you decide to leave. You’re liable and responsible for the condition of the property as long as your name remains on the active lease-agreement. If or when you leave, you better sign an agreement with your landlord to break the lease. The landlord has a right to keep all or a portion the deposit. As it should be indicated in your lease-agreement. She may need time to find herself a roommate to replace you; and you may need time to find another apartment. So you can’t dilly-dally with the intent to play her until your lease is up! That would be mean and unfair. That would be unreasonable!It’s not whether or not your reason for breaking-up is “reasonable;” it’s more important that you be honest.
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