So when it comes to sex, my boyfriend and I are still virgins. Yes we’ve fooled around, but never had penetrative sex as it’s always been too painful for me, and I’m afraid it’s becoming a problem. We’ve been together nearly 5 months and have tried 3 or 4 times, but even with lube, it doesn’t work. I’ve been so grateful that he’s been patient with me for so long, as I know sexual frustration is a thing, and even when I have to stop him due to the pain and he can tell I’m stressed about it, he tells me it’s alright and we cuddle and go back to fooling around.
I’m wondering if it’s a lack of confidence in the bedroom that may perhaps be making first-time sex so difficult. I’ve gotten comfortable around my boyfriend but I don’t like doing things with the lights on. I don’t want to see what’s going on, I’d rather experience the feel. (To me sex isn’t a necessity and where most people are turned on by a naked body, I am not, I’m more turned on by the physical touch and closeness, which is why I’d rather feel than see) When the lights are on, I just feel exposed and out in the open and immediately lose all confidence because there’s nothing for me to hide behind, and I’m afraid seeing me in that moment is going to be unattractive and gross. Plus I get rather tense because half my mind is on what we’re doing and the other half is on how uncomfortable/embarrassed I feel. (Again, sex isn’t something I’m really open about and I find it to be a very private thing).Unfortunately he’s just the opposite, he gets more turned on by seeing what’s going on. For now we sort of compromise, when he’s pleasuring me, the lights stay off, but when I pleasure him, he turns them on, but at one point I had to use something to blindfold myself because it was the only way for me to block out the light and go back to feeling in the moment. But even when I don’t have the blindfold, my eyes stay closed the entire time. This brings me back to the penetrative sex; he has to turn the light on to see what he’s doing (getting the condom/lube/lining up right) and I get totally taken out of the moment. I’m thinking about how much it’s going to hurt and then the light combined with that just makes me so tense that just the tiniest attempt starts to hurt. I don’t know what to do…I’m worried I’m making him lose confidence because this kind of thing comes so naturally to most people the first time. I’m probably making him feel like he’s doing something wrong, when it’s MY body that won’t cooperate.Does anyone have any advice for becoming more comfortable and perhaps making it less painful and/or how I can be more relaxed about it? (I usually refuse to consume alcohol, but I am so tempted to use it just to take the edge off of my nerves and loosen me up a little to make this easier but I don’t feel that’s the right answer)
View related questions: condom, confidence
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