Hello, Please could someone help give me some good advice, I don’t know what else to do….
I am currently in a 10 year relationship and we have 3 young children and the kids are our worlds and we do love each other, but I am deeply disappointed in my partners behaviour……We originally met via a dating page and we instantly hit it off and quickly got serious about each other. About a month into the relationship we had the talk about previous sex partners and if any of us had ever had STD’s etc. She brought up the conversation and went first and said I was her 5th lover. 2 where serious boyfriends and the non serious was a immature lad who basically played her when she was 15 and the other man was a one night stand after a works party. I then told her that she was my first and she was surprised because I “Knew what I was doing, in the bedroom”. She then went on to say that she hadn’t had sex with anyone for the past 4 years. I thought this was a lie but not seeing any lies before I went along with it. About 6 months into the relationship, we decided to move in together so we started to look around local houses (She didn’t want to stay in her current house because it reminded her of her 2nd ex). Before we moved in together I had a talk with her and disclosed that I had a bad childhood and my father frequently beat on me and my mother for 16 years and the only reason I was given as to why this was happening to me was that my father was jealous because his wife (My Mother) had one boyfriend before she met him…. He ruled us with an iron fist and always promoted sex as a vulgar act and if a woman showed cleavage etc, she was a slag and a whore yadda yadda yadda….. I never subscribed to his views but knowing if I brought girls back home, he would chastise them as slags for wanting pre-marrital sex with me, hence why I was a virgin in my mid 20’s Moving in with my new partner was a big thing for me because I wanted to do it right and not have any unpleasant surprises jump out and ruin things. I disclosed everything to her and she claimed she did the same for me because she was also wanting an open honest relationship. I asked if there was anything else I needed to know about her past just so it wouldn’t ruin anything later on (build on secure foundations as it where)…. She again said that there was absolutely nothing else and the “Only reason I am finding it hard to believe her is because of what my father did to me as a child”. I believed her and we moved in together and life was fantastic! We went to one of her friends parties one evening and a work friend of hers asked her if I was the “new bloke”, She replied yes and this work friend quickly replied “I bet I could tell him a few stories about you” I heard this and my partner very quickly snapped “Well you needen bother!” the way it was said seemed very sexual in nature and my partner wanted that closed asap. I later asked what she meant and she said it was nothing, “just an accident at work that she didn’t want me to know about”. A few weeks later we went out to the cinema and afterwards we walked home and got caught in the rain, We ended up getting home and taking our clothes off and having sex…. Halfway through she started to cry and I originally thought I hurt her somehow and asked her what was wrong. She then burst into tears and said that she was lying to me and there was another two men that I did not know about. I asked her to talk about it and she said that one man was a player she met just before meeting me again from the same dating site. She slept with him after only knowing him a hour and then they did the same on the 2nd date and on the 3rd date he dumped her. The other guy was the worst tho… The other guy was a old work friend. She bumped into him years after they worked together and he asked her for her number. They where texting and he said to her that he thought she “wasn’t worth dating, but he always fantasised about f###ing her” For god knows why she was turned on by this and decided to drive to his house for sex. He told her she could only go and have sex with him between the hours of 9pm till 10pm on a Thursday night…. Turns out that he currently had a partner and wanted to cheat on her with my now partner. My partner was his bit on the side for 7 more weeks, each time, driving to his house for sex while his girlfriend was out at a dance class. I really did not like what I heard but I realised that it was her body and her choice…. What killed me tho was she openly used my shitty childhood against me to make me trust her more so I would move in with her. We ended up breaking up after lots of talks and I moved out. I had to return back to my folks with a hell of a lot of “Told you so’s” from my family, especially my father! A few weeks later we got back together and I moved back in and again we had the “Do I now know everything, no one else…. No STD’s) talk… Again No! you can trust me now. All was fine for 2 years but one day she told me that the weekend she met me, she had her first love in her bed…. She had a big 30th birthday bash and for some reason she had to place him in her bed for the weekend. But NOTHING Happened! Only Friends etc.Shortly after I found this out a condom broke during sex. I suggested maybe the day after pill, but she said that it was very highly un-likely due to the time of the month. I just went along with her decision.A few weeks later she secretly did a pregnancy test and it was positive. She told me and I always wanted to be a father so I was very pleased and showed my full support. I still disliked the idea of the last two blokes she had sex with but I decided to put it all behind me and never bring it back up again. Especially now a baby is involved. We had our first baby appointment at the Doctors set and one day she came home from work and said “Ah, today I got to work and totally forgot that today was our first babies appointment. I left work but didn’t have the spare time to come and get you so I went on without you”…I was really hurt by this because I really wanted to be there, I will never again get to go to my first child’s first appointment and she knew how much it meant to me. She said it was just a mistake and she was sorry. My family again was whispering in my ear that She did it on purpose because she has had a kid in the past or an abortion or had STD’s etc” you can imagine….Well I ignored my family and believed my partner altho I secretly did think these things myself, (She never forgets dates, especially medical ones)…. So again, I looked past it and buried it and focused all my attentions on becoming a good dad. A year later and my partner fell pregnant again with our 2nd. One day she asked me to log into one of those Top cash back sites to go and buy something she needed on ebay while I was on the P.C. I asked her what her password was and she told me. The second she told me her face dropped like she knew she messed up.For the rest of the evening she was acting super weird and later that night we went to bed.Normally she is asleep the second her head hits the pillow but this night she was staying awake…. Obviously my mind was running a mile a minute and my only thought was she gave me her same password to Facebook and on there she may be in contact with a previous ex or some other guy… So I was laying there thinking is this new child even mine ? Is it possible that she could do that to me ?About 2am I faked snoring and she carefully sneaked out of our bed (Heavily pregnant) and crept downstairs in the dark and went into the front living room to put the PC on. I knew she would have been changing her password.For some reason just laid there and let her go ahead with her plan. about 30 mins later, she crept back into our bed. The next day it was eating me up inside and I put in her details on Facebook and a message came up saying “You replaced this password 12 hrs ago at 2am”. I confronted my partner and said that I just tried logging into her Facebook due to yesterdays weirdness and she casually replied “Ah, I changed that password months ago”, I then showed her the 12hr ago message proving her a liar. She then changed her tone and then turned the tables on me saying I am the one to blame and I am now a controlling partner like my father was to my mother. (I have never once been controlling, she just knows this was a button she could push to make me doubt myself and change the conversation). So that situation was just left unanswered and I was just left to wonder why the dramatic act of sneaking around in the dark heavily pregnant ? So fast forward to our 10th year together and all the past crap, I buried and never mentioned. Again all was fine and we even moved to a new area and started a much better life together. Then all of a sudden the sex started to drop, she was hardly ever in the mood and would make up the headache excuse every few nights. I tried to spice things up between us and we ended up looking online. We bought a few new toys, basic stuff every couple do. We got talking about fantasies and I said that I quite like a bit of light S and M (spanking etc) and I asked her if she had any fantasies that she would like to act upon. She replied that she fantasises about watching a real couple have sex in front of us and in turn, they watch us after…. I then said “I doubt people would just watch and not want to join in”, she then replied “Yeah, that would be a natural progression!” I didn’t know what to think, Was she saying she wanted to sleep with other guys ?We talked about it some more, but I told her that I only wanted a monogamous relationship. So finding out that sex between us was dipping and now she is fantasising about group sex, I felt a bit inadequate and was wondering if I was doing anything wrong ? She was adamant that everything was o.k and it was only a fantasy. This played on my mind for a bit and I wondered if she had group sex in the past (she once asked me if I ever had a threesome when we first got together, But in a way to suggest that she had. Once I said no, she changed her tone and said no also). This ended up re-digging all the old skeletons in her closet that I previously buried and again, I asked if there was anything else new that she is keeping from me. She then said that there was nothing else, but the reason she went to our first child’s first appointment without me was because one of her ex’s gave her a STD and she wanted it never mentioned at any meetings. And every meeting we had, she was secretly crapping herself in case a doctor mentioned it. I felt like she stole that first meeting away from me and tainted the others.They all meant so much to me at the time. Then she said that the reason she got up in the middle of the night to change the password was because she was secretly communicating with her ex, The same ex she had in her bed the weekend she met me….So again, she used my crap childhood to mask over her past and current doings. Then she went on to say that she had sex with him the weekend she met me, “But It only happened the once!”I broke down and said that I can’t go on being lied to like this and I want to break up with her. She crashed to the floor in a food of tears and after about a minute of deep crying, she suddenly stops, gets back up on her feet and says “It was a test!, I wanted to see if you would leave me”…. This really messed with my head. A few days later she said that the baby appointment was because of the STD and the password was because she was in contact with her ex behind my back…. But the test was her sleeping with him the weekend she met me. She is still adamant that she did not sleep with him and again, I now know everything!She claims that she is very sorry she repeatedly lied to me over the 10 years and using my childhood against me. She asked me to go to couples counselling with her, but sadly that was not working well, it was making us both worse after each session. She then said that she wants to go to a new type of counselling all on her own to understand why she kept lying etc. She wants me to do the same but to deal with my crap childhood, I agreed and have started the ball rolling in that category. We are having our ups and down days, but I feel the trust is broken and gone. This is the 5th time she has openly lied to me about multiple things and I am now left wondering what else.I understand that what she did before me is her own business and I agree, but I have always been open and honest with her and I don’t understand why she can’t be the same back….I feel like it took way more for me to be open to her about my childhood that it would have been for her to just admit her past. Since our current talks she thinks that she never got over her ex (Same ex on the computer and slept with the weekend she met me) and That I should be happy to be guy #7 (if that is the case) because if she was “Skinner, she would have slept with many many more men” before I met her. Due to the trust being broken, I am now wondering what will come to light in 5-10 years. I don’t want to be an idiot always being lied to. She also states that it is “my fault she lies because I never slept around like a normal person does, and I make her feel bad that she did”.Please note, I am a good loving partner and father and I have always put my family first, But I feel I am at the end of my road now and the love may be slowly depleting. I don’t want to split the family up, but again, I don’t want to be a guy who is always been lied to. As far as I know she is still in contact with her ex .Am I right to be concerned ? Should I be annoyed that she selfishly took away our first babies first appointment away from me. Also that she was in contact with her ex behind my back and against my wishes. What would you do if you where me ? Apologies for the long post and many thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully respond.
View related questions: abortion, at work, condom, facebook, got back together, her ex, her past, immature, in the mood, jealous, liar, moved in, moved out, one night stand, player, pregnancy test, she lies, std, text, the pill, threesome
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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2018):
The only question is how much more of your life are you willing to give to a lying manipulative cheat who neither loves nor respects you? And don’t kid yourself she doesn’t. I mean isn’t ten years of this enough?
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A female reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (27 September 2018):
She messed up. Lies are all bad but the more acceptable lie was that she was afraid you would judge her. She lied because she was in contact with her ex. That was not forgivable. As more truth comes out, you find that she has very low self esteem and she put all her confidence in her ability to seduce men. It seems she could only be turned on by clandestine settings. It’s true that having 3 kids and taking care of them would dampen anyone’s sex drive, but she is not trying to be intimate with you and be emotionally supportive to you. She took you for granted. I doubt there will be more stories for her to tell, or that they would change anything in the relationship since it was 10 years ago. You can check if you have STDs. Your post is heavily on her ex partners, what she lied about and what she did wrong. If there weren’t any good in the relationship, you wouldn’t have stayed with her and have 3 kids with her. I do feel she is physical attracted to you, but she needed some excitement from outside to make her feel good. You gave her countless chances but she blew them. Some women are blessed to have skinny bodies even after 3 kids but most have lost their figures. She went behind your back to contact an ex to feel sexy again. You are a very forgiving person so unless she does something like physically cheat on you, you would stay. You also have to give her credit for taking care of 3 children. She really needs to stop contacting her ex. She needs to tap into her inner energy to feel confident. As a tired mother she may not know where to look, to empower herself as a woman. She only has the past, sleazy lovers to give her self worth. She might not have any role model growing up yet she needs to be one, to her kids. It’s her that needs advice more than you. If she can come on here I can give her advice.
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A female reader, Ivyblue + ♥, writes (27 September 2018):
Wow ! what a roller coster of emotional abuse. I think your issue starts with you wanting to appease her behaviour for some odd reason. You have given this woman far to much rope over the 10 years. Who is this person really? A chameleon of lies and deception. If you chose to move on given her childish tests, lies, cheating, disrespect and bullshit reasoning, thats not you being responsible for breaking up the family. She has her hands firmly on the axe and she’s swinging. Fiddle sticks to that. It’s you saying ENOUGH, YOU CAN’T BE TRUSTED, I DESERVE BETTER. You have to take some accountability for letting this go on for so long. People get away with what others let them. Give her unraveling stories, is your child even yours? Get a DNA test. Is that the reason she is still in contact with her ex, is he the father? She is a child in a grown ups body. coming to conclusion and making statements :”my fault she lies because I never slept around like a normal person does, and I make her feel bad that she did”, should be your cue card out of there. You are never going to win with that king of logic. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be a good loving father either. All the best
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