My boyfriend and I of 2 years went on a 6 week break after many rows. This was mainly due to my insecurity issues, which caused many arguments leading to the break. During the break I wanted to make a huge change in my life and went to see counselors to help sort my life out, and I have made great progress. The break started off badly, as I didn’t get given a time frame of how long he needed, so I was just waiting for him to come back but he never contacted me. However, he had been texting my mother wanting to know how I was and what I’ve been up to.
Turns out he even went to visit my parents during the break, which they told me was more of a sob story about why the relationship was falling apart because of me, and took no responsibility of his flaws.My counselors greatly implied that he hadn’t been the most supportive, by always coming almost nose to nose in my face, swearing and name calling, which created an opposite effect to help reassure my paranoia, and while he has a tendency to think he is always right, I was always the bad guy. Since I’ve been making progress and become a lot confident in myself, he has been doing everything he can to come back into my life. But I still have so much upset in my heart and I told him I made changes during the 6 weeks, and that he should have used the break to focus on himself too. But he said he was too depressed and spent most of the break crying.After almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other since, he now claims hes a changed man. I just feel like he thinks hes loosing me and doing everything he can to get us back together (we never really broke up on the break). But I dont see how he could have changed that quickly, when its taken me over a month to sort my own self out. I’m afraid that as soon as he gets me, he may go back to his old ways. Because it was mostly my insecurities that made us row, it kinda disguised his own issues. For instance, if we talked about our beliefs in raising children, or if we should buy or rent a house, he’d lash out at me if I didn’t agree, and try to make out his beliefs are better, and when I confront him for lashing out he’d blame it on how stressed he is from how “shit his life is”. But now I’m starting to see things more clearly and how it wasn’t just me. What are your thoughts please?
View related questions: a break, broke up, depressed, text
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 October 2018):
I suspect my thoughts are along the same line as YOURS, otherwise you would not be asking the question. You KNOW in your heart this guy is no good for you. You KNOW he is a manipulative bully who tries to get his own way by intimidating you. You KNOW he thinks he doesn’t have any faults and that everything that was wrong was down to YOU. You KNOW all this. Thankfully you are starting to see things more clearly. Sweetheart, you deserve better. You KNOW that too, right? NOBODY deserves to be shouted at and sworn at because they disagree with someone else’s point of view. You say you never really broke up. Here’s MY advice: break up NOW. This guy does not deserve you. You have gone away and worked hard on your issues while he has done nothing to work on himself. It will always be like that.YOU will always be the one who will be made to feel bad and look bad to hide what a useless lump HE is. Don’t waste your time on him. You CAN do better.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (28 October 2018):
When people can’t see their own faults, and own some responsibility; it will always be your burden to try and convince them to come to the understanding that “two people” have an equal-responsibility to each other, to be at their best in a relationship. He can’t always be right! If you are recognizing your faults, but clarity is also showing you his; I’d say continue on your path to self-improvement. It may be a solo-journey.People give themselves a few weeks; and suddenly decide they want to show-off their new-and-improved selves. That new persona has yet to be tried and tested over time for consistency; and a true commitment to change. He will pressure you, because he does feel you slipping away. He knows that with clarity and self-improvement; you become more self-aware, and even more aware of your surrounding environment. The old-you was always insecure and dependent; but you no longer want to be that way. You own your faults. You recognize your own weaknesses; and have already initiated change. No one can change over-night. You know this. Unless he can see where he was failing in his responsibilities; I’m afraid you’ll be dealing with the same-old/same-old in a matter of a few weeks. He’s just scared you’re coming to your senses. Fearing you might start to realize he’s not really the right choice; or you need more time being single and independent to find yourself. Healing, self-repair, personal-growth, and enlightenment is something you have to commit to for-life. You must become a constant work in-progress. Not just to comeback into a difficult or rocky relationship; but to make sure that incompatibility isn’t another major reason for the break. All obstacles have be addressed and removed.Not dismissing insecurity; which can really top most other problems in a relationship. Incurable distrust or insecurity makes your partner feel frustrated, and emotionally-overwhelmed. Persistently trying to convince you to trust them. No one should be put through that, never knowing when there will ever be an end to it. You can’t have love without trust. If you can’t trust, you deserve none! It’s a two-way street.If you can’t trust anybody, you have no business in a relationship. That’s an indication that you are too emotionally-immature; and/or so damaged, that you may have some deep-seated trauma. This could require long-term therapy; and your uninterrupted committed-efforts to deal with your problems, until you make a breakthrough.This six-weeks is creating anxiety, and you miss each other; but you haven’t really learned how to effectively communicate and compromise with each other. He’ll promise you anything to get you to take him back; but you both need to sit and have a talk, and sort out your issues and differences. Maybe you will find that you don’t really want him back. It’s best he know that sooner than later.
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018):
He is totally abusive. He is showing so many abusive tactics here, that I am left in no doubt. Abusive partners try to make you feel insecure. That’s how they like you to be. He has NO intention of working on himself by the way. He likes himself just as he is. Telling you how upset he was and crying too much to be able to work on himself is just so much BS. You are coming to realise that all the issues in your relationship were not you. You are able to see that now, because he isn’t always present, TELLING you that everything is your fault. An abusive tactic by the way. Being in your face in a threatening manner…..another abusive tactic. He hopes that by doing this he will scare you enough to stop you from protesting about anything. I have been in three abusive relationships and I have read for England about abuse. Abuse is what you are experiencing now. In the beginning of one of my relationships, I was secure and happy that my boyfriend wanted me and only me, which he did. But he wanted me to believe otherwise, so that I would be insecure and concentrate on him. I started out encouraging him to dance with other women who were great dancers. He was a great dancer as well and I would enjoy watching him. But he didn’t like this streak of security in me. He wanted me jealous and insecure and over the years he turned me, through psychological manipulation (which abusers are very good at) into an insecure woman who watched his every move. He’d then berate me for it. Make it out to be all me. Whereas if I’d done ANY of the things he was doing, he would have gone mad. Double standards. There’s another tactic by the way.I don’t know if anything I’m saying is hitting home. If you recognise any of his behaviour in what I’ve said. But there are some great books on abuse which helped me tremendously. The best was ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is a psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men for fifteen years. He learned their tactics and their mindsets. And he teaches others about them through his book. It’s very enlightening to read and very empowering to know that what your boyfriend says to you and what he’s REALLY doing are two very different things.I hope you read the book. It will help you to understand why there are so many rows in your relationship, why he is aggressive towards you, why he has no intention of changing (it’s you he wants to change), why all his beliefs must be your beliefs and so on. I hope it will also make you realise that you are on a hiding to nothing with this person and that the further away from him you are, the better off you will be. Good luck and take care.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 October 2018):
I think you should keep working on yourself and tell HIM you aren’t ready to get into a relationship any time soon WITH him. That making the break up permanent might be what you BOTH need.You have ONLY been working on yourself for a month, away from the person who added on to your insecurities. I don’t think you are fully “sorted out”. The reason you FEEL you are, is because you are NOT around HIM. So what does that tell you? HE is toxic.My guess is he KNEW exactly which buttons ot push to make your insecurities surface so any argument would end up being YOUR “fault”.From what you write it seems like you are finally seeing him for who he is and THAT is not a man you want for yourself long term.I think you are right on both points, 1. he is hearing that you are doing well without him, so he wants you back NOW and 2. NO ONE changes drastically in 2 weeks.He isn’t going to change. Maybe for a short while to get you to come back but he will go back to who he was.Your relationship was not healthy, he was toxic and you distrustful and insecure. That just sounds like a really bad combo.DON’T get back with someone unless ALL the issues you two had are talked about and worked through.6 weeks makes no dent in these kind of issues.
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