I met a guy several months ago, when we were taking an evening class together. I was too shy to talk to anyone for a while, but then one day he and I found we took the same route home after class. We got talking. I mentioned I’d just had my 25th birthday, and asked him how old he was.
He said he wasn’t actually sure, as he was adopted, but his documents say 24 so “about that”.I didn’t think anything more of it. We got on really well. We saw each other a few more times after class and started messaging and flirting a lot. We went out together a couple of times. We told each other lots about our lives, particularly our childhoods (both of which were pretty difficult). We ended up sleeping together once. Then I was going on holiday so we didn’t get to meet in person for a few weeks. During this time I missed him, but I also started feeling we weren’t quite suited romantically. Our personalities are very different, even though we have a great time as friends. However, he was keen for us to try a relationship.I just got back and saw him again. I said we have a connection, but we’ll both meet many people in our lives we have connections with – it doesn’t mean we should be with them all. I mentioned something about how young we are, and he said “Well, I’m not quite as young as you. I’m probably around thirty.”Turns out the estimate on his documents is probably way out. He says he didn’t feel like he could explain it all when he first spoke to me (it’s a long story, so I can understand that). But then he just didn’t think to go back to the subject again, despite everything else we’ve talked about.I know there’s not a huge age difference between us really, and he’s still the same person he always was, but I feel so confused. I can’t act so naturally with him now. I’ve always been more comfortable with people younger than me. I don’t really have any friends more than a year or two older and I’m often very uncomfortable and nervous around older guys, mainly because of past abuse. I don’t fully trust men, but because I don’t feel like an adult myself, anyone around my age is not a “real” grown-up to my mind.So now I know I slept with a 30-ish year old without realising, and it just feels strange and wrong for me. I’d never slept with someone older before and I wasn’t planning to.He accepts that I don’t want a relationship but would like to keep hanging out as friends. I was all for that, but now something just feels off. Am I completely overreacting? I feel a bit of a fool, but this has really thrown me!
View related questions: flirt, on holiday, shy
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 October 2018):
You know we have a gut instinct for good reason, right? It is there to protect us, to tell us when something is not quite “right”. You need to learn to listen to yours and do what you feel is best for YOU. Never mind what HE wants. You already suspect the age thing is probably a lie/fabrication of some sort. It appears he is whatever age he thinks will get him the advantage. What else is he prepared to lie about?If something feels “off”, then it IS “off” as far as you are concerned. I doubt a friendship is going to work between you two because he really wants more and sounds like he is prepared to try to manipulate you into agreeing to more. Don’t let him use you in that way. You sound like a mature young lady with her head screwed on right. Don’t let him make you think otherwise.
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A female reader, Aunty BimBim + ♥, writes (22 October 2018):
A five year gap isn’t all that huge, so stop beating yourself up for having sex with an older guy …. forgive yourself.His lying though, that’s a whole different kettle of fish … you don’t mention it but, unless he was born somewhere other than the UK where there was some sort of catastrophic upheaval happening, either political or natural disaster, there is no way he can be vague about his age … over the past decades so much data has been collected on us the Govt even knows when we stub our toe, I think he is stringing you a line of BS and your instincts, also called gut feelings, have kicked in. The reason why he acts so dodgy doesn’t matter, he lies about things and that’s all you need to know.Listen to your gut, and don’t allow him to get to chummy.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2018):
Honestly, OPI don’t blame you. Someone who is WILLING to lie (and yes, he did lie the first time he claimed his age was 24 – or about that….) is willing to lie about anything.He might have sense that if he told you I’m supposedly 30 according to my documents but I’m not sure, that you wouldn’t have wanted to get to involved with him. But really… most people would not have thought OMG! 30! that is SOOO old. And he didn’t know about your past experience with older abusive men, so there WAS absolutely NO good reason for him to lie. Strange documents or not.So, My advice is that you LISTEN to your gut. Something feels off because he LIED about something that wasn’t (normally) important. His age. What else will he lie about.It doesn’t mean you have to cut him off, but I would not make an effort to make him more than a casual acquaintance.The fact that you slept with him and him being older that you thought… well, that happens. So don’t beat yourself up over that. Maybe next time… Don’t sleep with someone you don’t want to BE in a relationship with. Not all older guys will be like the abusive men you have known. It’s a little over the top to PRESUME that if a guy is older than you he will be abusive. And DO get tested for STD’s. I’m not saying because he might be older he might have STD’s, but he is someone you don’t KNOW all that well that you slept with.
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