My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years; we’re in our thirties and met on a dating site. We’ve been having a great time together and at this point we’re discussing a path to marriage and children, but I’m having trouble with something…
He told me that as a (hetero, cis) man, he will “always” “want” to have sex with other women. The first time that this was mentioned, a few months back, I thought I made it clear that I was in no way open to sharing him, and that I was upset by the whole idea of it. He tried to explain that the “want” is natural and “all” men experience it. Is this true? Should I not be bothered by this kind of statement? He further explained that he wouldn’t act on this “want” if I wasn’t ok with it. I expressed my thoughts on the idea; that it meant to me that I wasn’t enough for him, etc. He tried to reassure me by saying that this “want” has nothing to do with me, and that he loves me very much and still wants me over other women. I can’t determine if our wants are fundamentally incompatible. Is his “want” something normal that all married men are able to suppress for life? Is this even a fair expectation? He brought it up again last week and I became even more upset; how could he be bringing this up again? And now, when we’re weeks away from moving in together! Apparently he had not recalled how upset I was the last time this topic came up, and he had brought it up to see if my opinion on the matter had changed! It had not! The timing couldn’t be worse. As we’re about to move in together, he shakes my whole perception of our relationship. All along, he had thought an open relationship would be eventually up for discussion. I feel like he has completely misunderstood who I am and what the future we were building would look like. The outcome of this has been lots of conversation, concluding that he’d rather have a future with me than the possibility of sex with other women. But he still worries that he’ll never not have “those feelings”. What do you all think? Am I being oversensitive? Are these male feelings normal (and maybe my boyfriend was just foolish for speaking about it)? Am I fooling myself in thinking he can ever be fully satisfied in a monogamous marriage? Is it wrong for me to want him to suppress this “want”? He says he wants me over the potential of finding a future wife who would be accepting of an open marriage. But are we just failing to see the obvious, that we are fundamentally unmatched? Everything else is great, but does this mean we’re doomed?
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (15 October 2018):
It’s bullshit. He’s projecting his thoughts onto other men. I can tell you that I don’t think like that. I certainly notice attractive women, but that doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with them.That being said, he’s not lying to you about his personal thoughts on the matter. The simple fact is that you chose to bury your head in the sand and hoped it would all go away after the first time he mentioned it. Well, he’s mentioned it twice now. I think he’s trying to make sure you understand that he’s not going to drop this subject, and he wants you to realize it before you move in together. If I were you, I’d call off moving in together ASAP.
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (15 October 2018):
So this is the second time now he’s asked if you’re okay with him fucking other women. Do you think this will honestly be the end of it? He’s clearly not committed to the relationship if that’s the kind of thing he’s asking. He is a creep, he’s asking for permission to screw anyone he wants. Why are you even considering marrying him? What happens if you got married and he kept bringing the topic up? The situation would be a lot messier. Get out now whilst there’s no financial implications tying you two together.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 October 2018):
He is so full of shit his eyes must be all brown!While it IS true that MANY men AND women still would want to have sex with other people besides their partner – it’s not like there isn’t the ability to CONTROL themselves.I know MANY people who have been married a LONG time and NOT had either partner CHEAT. Because marriage and monogamy is a CHOICE. Just like cheating is.My guess is, he IS NOT going to stay faithful. And here is why.(quoting you)” All along, he had thought an open relationship would be eventually up for discussion.”He keeps bringing it up because he ACTUALLY expects you to say yes if he keeps asking. Eventually. He might even think that you will be CONTENT being a married woman and thus HE can have sex with others on the side.I DO think you two ARE fundamentally incompatible.HE wants to swing or have an open relationship marriage – that is why he is BRINGING it up over and over.I personally wouldn’t trust that “he’d rather have a future with me than the possibility of sex with other women”… as you put it. No, I think this guy HAS cheated in the past (maybe not on you (yet) and that he might in the future as well and that he will EXCUSE it way with the whole :” the “want” is natural and “all” men experience it.” – spiel.Plenty of men want monogamy.He shouldn’t have kept dating you when what he REALLY wanted was an open relationship, THAT is something that is non-negotiable for you.Sorry, I don’t see this working out long term… and then to add a kid?
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