Hi.. ive been in really hard time right now. Ive made the worst decision in my life to marry my husband. We now have 5 months son and he is the only reason i stay. I think its the only reason too my husband and his parent still want me in their house.
My husband is a pathetic liar, selfish and childish man. Ive made mistake before by marrying him and having a son with him. My mother in law is a bully. She thinks since im in her house she can degrade me as she likes beacuse i never defend myself. I dont want more trouble. My husband never defend me too. Worse, he told his parent when something happen in our relationship. He surely side with them over me. But when he needs financial help he will be sweet to me. He thinks he is a victim of my constant complaints. Whenever his mom did things that hurt me,i told him and he takes that as im complaining. I can only told him because he is my husband right? He told me to ask his mother why she treats me like that, and he says it will make more problem if he is involved. If he is presence when his mom bully me verbally on the crowd he still act like he doesnt understand and let it go. He cant protect me and wont try to. He wants me to just let it go and accept it. He actually doesnt feel comfortable either around his mom and prefer to avoid her around in the same room.I dont love him anymore and i think he feels the same. We dont have sex for almost a year. What kind of man can refuse sex when his wife try to initiate it by giving reasons and silently masturbate everytime in the shower?He doesnt get jealous over anything about me anymore. He knows i have a male friend who giving me attention and sending gifts to me but he doesnt get jealous or want to know about it. Whenever we argue he will say”i know there is a man who loves you there and im fine with that even its only a status between us”. “Ill try to hide this fact from your parent as long as you happy”. “Im so stressed out living in this situation and i want to die. Its very hard to be a man with little earnings. I struggle everynight to sleep thinking about how long more i need to spend my life like this”. He everynight will sleep at 3 am and wake up at 9 am. Take a bath for an hour and went to work at 10am. What did he do everynight before sleep? Watching youtube and play games. Going home from work at 6.30 he said and arrived home at 8 pm. He usually went to play basketball before going home while im dealing with his mom and take care for my son at his housr. Its stress he said? Life is so relaxing for him i think. I want to leave him. I still hopes he can changes someday. I want my son to have a father figure and complete family but he seems incapable of that financially and emotionally. Living in his house is making everything worse. He cant mature and grow. Cant even decide to do anything for his life. I just cant take this any longer. I think we need space eventhough he craves tht space more and more. What should i do to teach him a lesson how to become the man in the family? Should i consult his best friend who he always go into when he had problems? He has that victim mentalityand thts not making him to find solution on problems.My parent are not going to support my decision to leave him. They are conservative and i dont have income right now. Money is never an issue for my parent but i dont want to depend on them forever with my son. Im stuck in this situation. I want to leave him as we dont love each other anymore but how can i tell my family about this decision? Theyre not going to accept my decision and im not sure about it too.
View related questions: best friend, jealous, liar, money
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (2 March 2019):
Without a job or income of any kind; you can’t support your son or yourself.You’re stuck in your marriage; until you become financially independent. I swear I’ve read this exact story several times before; there was also a Chinese flag above all the previous posts. I recall in all the other posts it was mentioned that the husband had a gambling problem, a failing business, and spent nights out with other women. They also had a son; but in the first two posts, the OP mentioned that she or you were pregnant. There are three or four of these similar posts.Whether it is you or not. I guess the purpose of the posts are to vent your anguish and frustration. You’re caught in trap of old Chinese-tradition. A male-dominated culture where women do as they’re told; and as an old-fashioned honor-based society dictates. You’ve made a bad-choice. Likely because you didn’t listen to your parents; or allow them to arrange a marriage for you. Maybe your parents are making you lie in the bed you’ve made for yourself. They would rather you be in a bad-marriage; than a childless single-woman over 30. Their marriage was probably no better than yours. They just got old and used to each other. They grew on one another over the years, like two old-friends. They just want a grandchild. You weren’t born a male. So your duty is to be a wife, and bear a child.If they are financially-comfortable, they want their DNA to be carried-on into the future; and maybe a grandchild to inherit what the have.Considering many traditional-marriages in China are arranged, and it doesn’t matter if you love each other; you’ll learn to tolerate each other. A child is the expected product of the marriage. Preferably a boy. Then at some point, you and your husband will take care of his aging parents. I suggest you get tougher. Alone, or if you remain in the marriage; you will have to.If you’ve written before, and I suspect you have; you didn’t listen to or execute the advice you received. If you never wrote before, you probably won’t be able to change the situation; because you don’t have a job, and your parents won’t let you move home. Your in-laws like bossing you around like a servant; because you’re so timid, and won’t stand-up to anyone. You’ll just whine and complain. You’ll argue and nag at your husband; but he ignores you, because he knows you have no choice but to stay.When you’re in a bad-marriage with no hope it will improve; you have to get a divorce. If you don’t work, you can’t make many choices. From what you’ve indicated; your parents would sooner see you homeless in the streets, before accepting you as a divorced and single-mother. To western cultures, that would seem cold-blooded; but you know that’s just how it goes. A wife is submissive and obedient to her husband; unless she is a wealthy heiress, and then she calls all the shots. Strong-willed women like your mother-in-law do just fine. Nobody pushes them around.Get a backbone and stand-up to your mother-in-law yourself. She’s nothing but a woman. All she really has to her advantage is the fact you’re scared of her; so she bullies you. You don’t have a job; so you’re financially-dependent on his family. They put a roof over your head. He won’t bother working to get a home of his own; because the whole set-up is perfect for him. He can do whatever he likes; while his mother keeps you inline.I recall in similar posts, the OP says her husband was nice to her when he wanted money to pay his gambling debts; or he wanted to go out to drink. It’s a weird coincidence your post seems so much the same.Get a job. Save your money, get a lawyer, and seek a divorce. There is no other advice that will change your circumstances; when old-tradition and your culture works in your husband’s favor. Your own parents will not offer you their support. So it is all up to you. Other Chinese women get divorces; they move on to support themselves and their children. So can you. We can’t offer you an easy solution. Nobody can change your husband, your culture, or make either of you love each other. It is what it is. You’ve gotten yourself a lover, and your husband says he doesn’t care.Until you earn your own income; you are his wife, and you’ll live with his bullying mother. If you won’t stand-up to her, you’ll be miserable. She’s as human as you are, you’re just afraid of her. You’ll get tired of being a coward. People tend to change when necessity dictates that you have to.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2019):
Get yourself a job, get an income so you CAN support yourself and your son, JUST in case your parents won’t help you get back on your feet.YOUR priority should be your son and creating a healthy and stable environment for him to grow up in.TALK to your family. Maybe they will be more understanding than you think, and if they aren’t well then you NEED to be able to RELY on yourself.
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