I have realized that when I get into any relationship my main goal is to win the over – and close the deal. This is all mentally obviously I never reveal my intentions out loud but with my bf two years ago he approached me asked me out etc and we started dating and I ignored he fact that I didn’t like this man( he was not a good guy) but I still kept going Bevause I couldn’t accept this ending . He dumped me and looking back to it – it was a blessing but this mentality scares me.. I never express my opinions and am submissive in relationships (meaning) never do I express a lot of boundaries or what I want but in my mind I always want it to work Bevause I just can’t accept sleeping around and jumping from relationship to relationship
I do get attention from men a lot and I find it flattering but I’m so weak mentally that I shut myself off . I can’t handle sleeping with someoene and not having things work out What is wrong with me. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and she has known me for a decade so she knows the real me and stated that if I don’t change I won’t be happy. I am also planning on working for the next three years and relocating (I’m unhappy where I am) and what scares me is if I start a relationship and it will end Bevause I will move!I feel my life is up in the air – I am trying to work on myself but love is all I care about – I am working on saving money to move but it’s like if a man comes who cares I’ll throw that away since I’m so desperate I’m so confused – any advice?
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (21 October 2018):
Desperation is based on fear. Fear of the unknown, and our inability to tell the future. We long for things, and we assume we’ll never get it; and when we do, we fear we will lose it. First, evaluate what’s worth keeping! Set some standards! When it comes to character, all men are not created equal!If you’ve been going to a therapist for 10 years, and you haven’t made some kind of break-through; have you considered seeing someone else? You’re essentially paying for the company; but here you are asking strangers who’ve never met you how to change. Isn’t that what you sought a therapist to help you do? Do you bother listening, or is a session just you sitting there pouring your heart out, because you like to vent? What do you do with the pricey advice you receive? Do you put advice into practice? It shouldn’t just go in one ear, and out the other!What do you expect from men? Being in your 30’s, haven’t you learned a little about life and relationships? Do you ever learn from mistakes, or just shrug them off? Do you just accept your faults as unchangeable, or something you could never fix? No one can tell you how, it’s learned by trial and error. What works for me, might not work for you!Men are human beings. Human beings have faults. You can’t expect more or less from others; than you can expect from yourself. Learn to be your own best-friend, and to love yourself. Fixable-faults and all. You don’t/can’t depend on men to make you feel loved. Love is shared, not created for you by others in order to make you feel validated; or to justify being who you are. You have to do that for yourself. Then when men are accepted into your life; you have set-standards that they either pass or fail. You simply keep looking until someone passes. You can’t ride a lame horse. Relationships are give or take. If there is no reciprocation of what you’re giving; you stop investing your time and trouble. You don’t wait for a lousy relationships to self-repair. Either he’s in it with you, or you’re by yourself; spinning your wheels and wasting your time. Let him go, if you can never synchronize and bond as a couple; or create something good together. It’s only failure when you keep doing the same wrong things, and never learning anything from it.Don’t attempt to start a meaningful-relationship while you’re undergoing life-transitions. Set your priorities. Work on you, pursue your own happiness, and seek your own success. Meanwhile, date for companionship and fun. Let nature take its course. If you happen to find a match that works, pace yourself. You shouldn’t surrender all of yourself, without receiving as much as you give. You have a right to expect reciprocity. Don’t tell yourself men are so no good, you can’t expect much from us. That’s a lie! It’s sexist idle-minded bullsh*t!!! It’s not owning-up to your responsibility to use discernment; but letting desperation be your guide and motivation. Whomever you’re with, is a choice! Unless you’re a hostage; you can come and go as you please.Don’t place all of your faith in the chance things will workout. Relationships require equal work and effort from both parties. Feelings must be mutual. It’s not simply putting-up with the bullsh*t of men; just to have a boyfriend. You can do bad all by yourself.A relationship is not defined by misery seeking company.It’s first enriching your own life; and then finding someone who is capable of sharing and exchanging what it takes to build something real and beautiful. Not by changing them, but appreciating them for who they already are. Having what you need; and giving you the chance to offer them something just as good in return. To include love, trust, honesty, and devotion. Anything less is wasting your time! Otherwise, you end it, and seek better! Not sit around waiting for someone to come and fix YOU! That’s your own personal-responsibility. Develop your own tools for survival!You must build your own self-esteem; and you have to maintain and repair it. You go for what you want, not sit around waiting for it to fall in your lap! It won’t! If you pay for professional-advice; it would behoove you to listen to it, and use it.
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