I apologise in advance for rambling but I wasn’t sure how to explain things. It’s been a long time since I last felt the need to ask for advice online but I’m desperate. I can’t talk to any of my friends because I’d be breaching confidentiality rules at work. I am a lesbian and am in love with one of my colleagues who is currently under investigation at work for falling asleep on a night shift which is against the rules. No one knows that I’ve loved her for over a year and I’d never tell her as she’s married and, as I recently discovered, a homophobe. We’ve always gotten along great but recently I was informed(and there are other pieces of evidence that I just didn’t notice before) that she reported me to the manager for a minor offence a few months ago. The issue was dealt with and I didn’t get into trouble but I never knew who it was who told my manager until recently. Despite my love interest being homophobic and clearly not loyal to me I decided to take her side during the current investigation into her sleeping. I had witnessed her falling asleep but denied it and I feel so stupid for lying. I know that I’ve done the wrong thing because I’ve put my own neck on the line to protect the woman who I know wouldn’t do the same for me but I just couldn’t tell my manager the truth and it’s too late to change my mind even if I wanted to. I always want to work with her although I know I shouldn’t and I’ve now realised just how much I’d sacrifice to protect this woman. What I need to know is, how do I get over this woman because I know that, despite how I feel, she doesn’t care about me and is really bad for me. I can’t request not to work with her because my manager would get suspicious but I know that her being around me completely clouds my judgement. I don’t know how to stop feeling for her.
View related questions: at work, co-worker, lesbian
|<– Rate this Question|
Reply to this Question
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
You’re not in-love, you’re infatuated. Let’s clear that up!You’re an adult, and unlike a child; you realize there are things and people you can want, that you can’t have. Especially possessions, or someone, belonging to somebody else! Just because you’re a lesbian, and like women; doesn’t mean you should aimlessly waste your feelings and attraction on women who aren’t even gay, and don’t like you back. At least in the same-way! Listen to your sense of reasoning, use logic, and employ your natural common-sense. You’re showing signs of social awkwardness, and being a tad weird! Seek professional-help, if it’s totally beyond your self-control! Obsession is unhealthy! Left unchecked, it becomes self-destructive! It can also become a threat or nuisance to the object of your fixation.Putting your neck on the line for people who don’t care about you is just dumb. It’s one thing to help someone out of kindness; but it’s not the same, when you do it with an ulterior-motive behind it. Hoping to gain favor with someone for selfish or foolish reasons. That’s underhanded, manipulative, and shifty! Don’t practice that kind of behavior.Let the outcome of her work-violation be decided by the proper authorities, and keep your two-cents out of it. Stop behaving like you’ve lost your marbles; and can’t behave like a rational adult. If you can’t, go get some counseling or professional-therapy; because just talking to you from here might not be enough. Your judgement has no business being “clouded” for someone who doesn’t even reciprocate the same feelings or interests.I’m gay too. Straight-people heap enough stereotypes onto our behavior; without giving them the benefit of confirming any of it through actions we know make absolutely no sense. Actions that do you harm; and may even jeopardize your own employment. I’ll politely step around the word “stupid,” and gently use the word foolish. Although we know which one might be more appropriate. Imposing your gay-feelings towards a person who doesn’t want them (especially on your job) constitutes sexual-harassment; no matter how subtle it is. You’ll be coming-on to her, not actually realizing it! But you will kinda! Wanting to send signals her way, hoping she’ll pickup! You need feedback! If you have clouded judgement, you can’t always check your inappropriate behavior. Got it?!!! She’s not stupid, and can figure-out if you’re coming onto her; and that’s why she may have tried to get you fired. You tried to play that down; but you didn’t slip that by me! You didn’t get into trouble, but it’s on the record! She was probably using you as a scapegoat; to deflect attention from herself!This is tough-love coming at you, Baby-girl! So listen-up! It’s what you came here for, or perhaps what you need!Straight-parents don’t usually have the answers gay-kids need! So we learn as we go! Here’s a short-cut!Your over-developed sense of entitlement has convinced you that you should have a woman who is both married and heterosexual; and not the least-bit interested in you in a romantic-way! Yet you insist on creating an infatuated-fixation that makes you lie and yearn for her. Although she tried to get you in trouble!!! Then you come-off with this, “I can’t help myself” excuse.Drama queen, pleeeeeze!!! I mean seriously, though?!!Her days are numbered, and she could be on her way out! You had better get your mind on your work; or you’ll be right behind her! What would your cats think of you?!! They’re whispering behind your back! Pardon me, I just couldn’t resist some lesbian-humor! I hope it cracks a smile; no offense intended! Just kidding! Most gay people are pet-parents! Guilty as charged! Just not at the present!Just dive into your work, and let that consume your thoughts. You’ll be working for two, when she gets canned or suspended; until they hire her replacement. Get out and pamper yourself doing the things that give you pleasure. Write notes to yourself reminding you to let go, to forget about her, and that she’s not even your type! Gay, that is! Eventually you will realize these affirmations are true in your subconscious-mind! Please don’t post them in your work-station! Keep them in your purse, backpack, on your bathroom mirror, or on your fridge!Don’t sniff around your workplace looking for romance. It’s where you earn your rent and bill money; and if you have student loans, you can’t afford to lose a decent job!Get a grip, girlfriend! You need to socialize and make some friends to fill that needy void. Spend some time with your own kind; so you can find someone to relate to your thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t always have to be a love-interest. Just a friend!You gotta have friends! If you already have good friends; then shift your feelings over to them! Stay platonic in the process! Don’t comeback professing love for your BFF!Be patient! Until someone attracted to YOU comes along!
|<– Rate this answer|
A female reader, Anonymous 123 + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
You’re letting your feelings cloud over your judgement. Let’s get some things in order here. This woman is straight, doesn’t like you very much and you stand absolutely no chance with her. This in itself should be enough of a deterrent. You’re fantasizing about her, obsessing over her, building castles in you head when the truth is that, there is absolutely NO future with her. You need to snap out of this and snap out of this fast. By fixating on her, you’re not even allowing yourself up look at potential partners who might be interested in you. You might as well be in love with a wall!There is no magic fix that anyone can give you..only you can help yourself by listening to the rational side of your brain. Remind yourself that you’re a professional, that there is no place for feelings at the place of work, that it’s a cut-throat world out there and no one is going to show any sympathy for you no matter what you do for them. Do you want to let your feelings get you in trouble? What if she finds out? What when she outright rejects you? Laughs at your face? Rebukes you? Come on OP, you’re better than this. Never cry over someone who won’t cry over you.
|<– Rate this answer|
A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
You know this isn’t love, don’t you? This is obsession. Regardless of what you know about her, you still obsess about her. Nothing anyone can say to you will change that.You have to realize, regardless of what you feel you have done for her (which was entirely YOUR choice), she owes you NOTHING. You have shown yourself to be a loyal person by covering for her. Pat yourself on the back for that. It’s done now so move on from it and never admit to anyone you did see her sleeping otherwise you could end up in trouble yourself. Only you can convince yourself this fantasy is not worth pursuing. Be professional at work but don’t enter into personal conversations with her. Get out more and wide your social life so you can find yourself someone who will treat you the way you deserve.
|<– Rate this answer|