A female Health And Fitness how-do-i-overcome-the-misjustice-and-abandonment-inflicted-by-my-father How do I overcome the misjustice and abandonment inflicted by my father? Relationship & Sex    age 30-35, anonymous writes:

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Dear Cupid

I feel quite upset after realising my dad has cut me off family photographs. We haven’t spoken for five years. It was his choice to cut all ties with me when seeking help from a psychologists. Childhood issues were brought up; which I decided voice up to him. At the time, he wrote in text message to never contact him ever again. This was for simply voicing up. I’m trying not to feel too sorry for myself and logically saying that it’s his loss and he doesn’t deserve me as a part of his life when he routinely devalued my worth as a girl and young adult. Emotionally it very much feels like parental abandonment.I have a young daughter and no matter what, I would never turn my back on her. If she disclosed that I’d caused her pain and suffering at any point, I would be mortified and do everything in my personal power to make things right. MY dad will see things as if am in the wrong, even though I have done nothing wrong. If anything I am the type of person who kind and honest to my own detrament. How do I overcome the misjustice, abandonment and realisation that I will never have a relationship again with the man who saw uncessary fault in me and sees my voicing up as ‘something he believes I should be apologising for’.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE Health And Fitness how-do-i-overcome-the-misjustice-and-abandonment-inflicted-by-my-father-1 How do I overcome the misjustice and abandonment inflicted by my father? Relationship & Sex     + , writes (6 December 2018):

[EDIT]:Corrections: “He’s also using passive-aggressiveness to make you feel at fault for his dismissal.””Bully’s don’t like to be unmasked or confronted.”

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A male reader, WiseOwlE Health And Fitness how-do-i-overcome-the-misjustice-and-abandonment-inflicted-by-my-father-1 How do I overcome the misjustice and abandonment inflicted by my father? Relationship & Sex     + , writes (6 December 2018):

There are some things that you can’t bear hearing; when they come from certain people in your life. Words coming from your own flesh and blood can tear your heart-out; or hit you with a truth like nobody else in the world could ever accomplish. It literally hits home! You assumed some power of your own, and diminished his.A parent can’t accept hearing that they have been a major source of pain to their own offspring for the most part of their lives. Apparently, you had nothing good to say to your father; an indication that you have little to no good memories to share. Little to rebuild on. Therefore, he sees no cause for any continued communication or contact. He’s also using passive-aggressiveness to make feel at fault for his dismissal. He’s running. He’s a coward. Bully’s don’t like to unmasked or confronted. It drains them of power.Your father is also ashamed of himself. He can’t face you when every-time he looks into your eyes he will be reminded of how much he has hurt you. It might be guilt, shame, or pride that prevents him from trying to reconcile and make it up to you. He may be the kind of man who can’t see his own faults. You won’t and can’t reach someone like that.You have to understand that voicing up to him, as you put it, was telling him how bad of a father he is. At the moment, he would rather not face-up to, or own his past behavior. He’d rather make you feel he still has some kind of unquestionable power over you and your feelings. Withdrawing his presence is also saying he doesn’t require your forgiveness or pity; nor does he owe you any apology, restitution, or any personal-responsibility to help you heal. Although he may have inflicted the damage.It’s his choice. Bearing in-mind, people change when they’re on their death-beds. Maybe during a health-crisis, while facing their mortality. Then the regretful isolation of old-age starts to remind them of all those they’ve pushed-away or mistreated years ago. You can’t just walk-away scot-free from the harm you’ve done to others. It comes back to haunt you. The guilt is corrosive, and eats away your guts! Lest you’re totally evil, and feel nothing. Few people like that live outside of a jail cell. They start to look back on their lives and realize all their mistakes; and the harm they’ve done. His male-pride and stubbornness is his shield against admitting he has wronged you. Wrongheadedness and narcissism tells him you have no right to tell him what a cruel person he is. He thinks his position as your father and being an authority-figure; grants him unlimited power, and unquestioned jurisdiction over your very existence. That’s an old-school way of thinking; and some cultures drive that mindset into him from the time he can walk and talk. He too, may have had an abusive father or mother. I don’t believe in the abuse-excuse. Walking-out on his responsibilities also demands some accountability. It’s not a good feeling being called-out for being a deadbeat. Being too demanding, strict, critical, or unaffectionate. There’s a point you step beyond parenting and become a monster. If it traumatizes your child; you’ve gone way way too far!!!Now that you’ve purged your pain by unleashing your truth; you now have to come to grips with the consequences. You may have anticipated (fantasized) shaming him into an apology; and overcoming him with guilt to the point he’d do anything to make it up to you. Instead, he has decided to cut all ties. If that’s how he’d prefer to do it, then you have to honor those wishes. He has to live with his sins. Just work on forgiving him; so you can free your own soul and mind to move on. You cannot change him. The truth hurts, or it heals.Time and circumstance changes some people for the better; and sometimes they just get worse. If he hasn’t offered you much good in your life; to some degree, you are better-off being without him. If the pain was due to emotional or physical abuse; you may need the distance and detachment to heal inner-wounds. The subconscious-mind takes longer to heal than the conscious mind. Our subconscious can bury memories deep, suppress emotions, and be triggered under certain stimuli. Maybe he’s also doing you a favor…inadvertently. You still have some old trauma to deal with. Now his rejection has poured salt on your already deep wounds. Time to getaway! Retreat!You really haven’t been abandoned. You have been set free. You just haven’t come to terms with what that means yet. There are two-sides to every relationship story. Deep in his mind, he was tortured by his own demons; and perhaps wasn’t cutout for fatherhood. He has convinced himself his methods and ways are justified; simply because he is the sperm-donor that gave you life. As a father, he has an obligation to make his offspring feel loved and protected. By the same token; spoiled and overly-entitled children see discipline or being denied everything they want, as cruelty and deprivation. Very willful and rebellious children also distort the story of their lives; and everything their parents did may not be as evil as they may recall. Hatred or resentment also distorts the facts.He gets no opportunity here to defend himself, and he is being judged based on your testimony alone. Not knowing your whole story; you deserve the full benefit of the doubt. You had to face-up to a father who’d rather reject and disown you; than try and repair his relationship with you. That speaks volumes about his character as a man, and a father. A good father would be overcome with love; and would do anything to repair a bad relationship with his kids. Regardless of his pride. He would listen to their pain, and share it; and do whatever he could within his power to help you heal. That isn’t the case here. So seek continued therapy; until you can handle everything on your own.Just do well by your own child. Do everything you can to be a good parent. Don’t deny the child proper discipline, constructive-criticism, or guidance based on your past resentment. You must review the current situation and think in the child’s best interest; even if being a parent might not make you their best friend. Being a overly-permissive parent, or trying to be your kid’s best-friend won’t undo your own childhood; but it might mess-up your child, if you don’t get it right.

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A female reader, Honeypie Health And Fitness how-do-i-overcome-the-misjustice-and-abandonment-inflicted-by-my-father-1 How do I overcome the misjustice and abandonment inflicted by my father? Relationship & Sex     + , writes (6 December 2018):

Health And Fitness 98df9f73-904a-4dd9-a948-14179b833b87 How do I overcome the misjustice and abandonment inflicted by my father? Relationship & Sex    I think the only REAL effective method for you to deal with this is with a professional counselor/therapist/psychologist.Coming to terms with the fact that your father is who he is, that you CAN NOT change him (or how he sees you, think about you or feels about you) might not be something you can do on your own.What can you do about it? (in there here and now). Nothing with regards to your dad. You have to respect that he wants nothing to do with you. And it might NOT be your fault. It might not make sense to you, it might not feel logical to you. But THAT is HIS wish.He doesn’t sound like a man you really would miss to be around, from what little you write about what happened and how you two ended up here.STICK to your promise to your “kid” in being the best mom you CAN be. To be loving and supportive as best as YOU can. He obviously couldn’t do that for you, and that is not going to change.I can not begin to “guess” why or what really happened here. I can’t see how YOU seeking help from a psychologist in any way is offensive to him.BUT my guess is he doesn’t like that you are digging around in the past or accusing him of thing he either didn’t do or he doesn’t want to admit to. Again, you CAN NOT change him. ONLY how you react. DEAL with whatever it is, with a professional. Work on moving forward. Not every issue you will run into in life has “closure” or a “fix”. Some just come down to accepting things for what they are.That may not sound helpful, but that is my 2 cents.

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