I’ve been using Tinder a lot recently and I recently met up with a guy who was in my city as part of a touring musical.
We met up, he brought me flowers and took me for dinner. We had a night of amazing sex and a following perfect day. We went for lunch, we walked through parks etc etc. It was a perfect date. So at the time we discussed how it couldn’t progress any further in reality. I’d been in a relationship with a performer before and it was exhausting becuase I work 9-5, and they work evenings and weekends all over the country. He also told me how he had auditions coming up for a year’s contract in a musical in another city. I don’t want to be in that city. The problem is, I think the ability to be this open with somebody becuase there was no anxiety about a future at the time is making me fall for him. Also, my feelings are clouding my judgement and romanticising giving up my entire life to go and make it work with him. Even though he spends most of his time on tour!He’s left my city now, but we are talking non stop via text and phone. He’s really keen. He says he’d like to give it a go, but I’ve been in this situation before and I know I would have so much anxiety about wanting different futures (exactly what I had with my ex) that I wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy it. But I enjoy his company and sweet messages so much!How do I stop myself repeating the past and getting over invested? I don’t want to lose touch with this guy, and while I’m single he’s giving me everything I need, but I know I want my future to be different from the one he has lined up for himself.
View related questions: flowers, my ex, text
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2018):
You have to decide, do I want something semi casual OR do I want a serious relationship.If you go for casual, then you need to keep your emotions in check.If you want serious, then you NEED to set a standard for what you want. Such as, someone who DOESN’T tour the country and work when you are not working… So someone who works the kind of hours you do. And who lives close enough that you can SEE each other on a daily or near-daily basis. THOSE kind of things. Then you “build” your “standard” for what you WANT in a partner. Of course it’s not down to the nitty gritty, but an overall IDEA of what you think you want in a partner AND what YOU have to offer a partner.While this guy might seem OH SO irresistible, I think it’s because you know it’s not going to really work out. And HE knows he can always get back on Tindr and off to the NEXT cute girl on whatever town he will tour at some point. Because of what he does (being in a band) he PROBABLY doesn’t have a hard time scoring “dates”. Like N91 said, You KNOW what DOESN’T work, from experience… and this guy (as cute, sexy, yummy etc. as he is)… isn’t going to work. His lifestyle is not compatible with YOUR lifestyle. YOU KNOW this. So ACCEPT that and wish this guy the best and cut him lose. Cut the contact and don’t USE a “hook up” app to find a partner. You will more likely find guys who aren’t compatible with SERIOUS relationships on there. Not that they are “bad” guys.. just not… what you REALLY want deep down.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (29 October 2018):
Albert Einstein said: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”I can only speculate that deep-down inside, you have unfinished business about your previously-failed relationship. You want to see it through; by setting yourself up with the same conditions and circumstances, with the intent to seek a different outcome. Sometimes the baby has to touch the stove two or three times before she knows it’s hot and it burns!The adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again!” doesn’t apply to proven mistakes. It applies to efforts we make to succeed at reaching our goals and dreams that may require commitment and perseverance. Even then, if a chosen method doesn’t work, and certain conditions prove not to be conducive to reaching our success; we should completely change our strategy, or the way we do things. First-off, Tindr is a cut to the chase method of finding immediate sexual-gratification. There is no challenge, and the objective is to make your way to the bedroom in record time. Let the cards fall where they may! So, you’re choosing the worst method possible to find men. The average person subscribing to that site doesn’t really want long-term commitment, or the traditional-style relationship; I don’t care what they might tell you. You can be gullible if you wish, but you’re going to find what I’ve said to be true. That is because you’ve chosen the wrong venue to find a real relationship. Part of seduction is telling your prey what they want to hear. Sweet-talk is considered being romantic. Being agreeable and unbelievably charming. “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” to dare use yet another cliche. Unfortunately, that is how you successfully maneuver your way through online-dating. It’s why so many young-folk are choosing the most popular hookup sites. That’s their purpose, to find hookups. Easy but ineffective, if you want something real. You repeat the same activity or actions; and you get the same results.You repeat your mistakes because you choose the same “male-types;” and reconstruct the same circumstances and scenarios that lead to the same outcome. Stop looking for a predictable-ending, or using quick and easy methods. Meet men by chance, be more selective, and take a risk by using your intelligence. Trust yourself. Exercise discernment, and better judgement of character. You have to develop these tools to make better choices. Give Tindr and hookup sites a pass. You’ll find the same types and get the same results when you choose the same sources.Nothing changes, because you won’t. You insist on doing things using the same method; because you know Tindr gets you a sure date, but it doesn’t give you what you’re really looking for. You can foresee the ending based on the previews; but you insist on going down the same path.Best advice I can offer you about this guy, is to keep it friendly and casual. Don’t fall for the guy for the reasons you’ve described; because it’s foolish and makes absolutely no sense. It’s immature, and playing recklessly with your feelings. Let go of that old relationship; and accept that it can’t be done-over. You won’t get a better ending on the remake. Destiny is trying to suggest you choose another way!
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (29 October 2018):
They say in life that we learn from our mistakes. You’ve been through this exact scenario before and you’re thinking about diving in head first again. You know what the outcome will be, you’re living proof of it!It is so easy to have good chemistry with someone, you could drop this guy and the next day find someone else that you could have a good laugh and joke with, just because you find it easy to talk to him and you have a good time doesn’t mean he’s right for you. You both have completely different lifestyles at the moment and you know what it entails already and was ultimately the demise of a relationship you’ve already had so why go there again? You’ve been through the heart ache it caused so why revisit it?I know at some points in life it does feel like a struggle and like you’ll never find someone but there is a person that’s compatible out there for your somewhere and I don’t think this guy is it. I also don’t think continuing to talk to this guy is going to help you.You’ve already discussed why it won’t work, so accept it and move on.
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