About 10 months ago I split up with my long term partner. In this months leading up to it I had what I’d describe as an emotional affair with a married woman in my office.My ex partner didn’t know, the two just coincided. I knew couldn’t possibly love my partner and the inevitable happened with no contact since. When I seperated with my partner, I told the other woman thatI would never want to take it any further, and our friendship fell apart.I did what I thought was right all round, but months later and I feel terrible. I do love the married woman and I have to see her every day at work. Sometimes I just want to tell her but I can’t and won’t.How do I stop thinking about her? How do I convince myself that I don’t love her and need to move on? Changing jobs isn’t an option.I know people are going to judge me, but if I didn’t have some fairly strong morals I’d still be at it with both of them. I’m so confused.
View related questions: affair, at work, married woman, move on, split up
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
Visualization is an effective tool and can be used to condition your mind to think about her differently. You do this by repeatedly visualizing scenarios where you interact with her and she reacts in ways that make it clear that she only sees you as a co-worker. Try and imagine a wide variety of such scenarios with all of them ending with her gushing about her husband and her family. Imagine her telling you what a good work friend you are. Imagine her updating you on any problems she may have expressed to you during your emotional affair, and imagine that all of her problems have been solved, making her very happy in her personal life. Imagine the heartache you feel each time she makes it clear that that you’re firmly in her work friend zone. Imagine yourself learning to accept your place in her life and then backing off slowly. Follow that up with actually backing off slowly for real. In addition to that, when interacting with her for real, always force yourself to interpret her behavior and the things she says in the most platonic way possible. Never allow yourself the luxury of thinking that she has feelings for you.Eventually, these visualizations and real world interactions will help reduce the intensity of your feelings. Chances are, your feelings won’t go away completely, but they will become easily manageable. Do this long enough, and you’ll get over it for the most part.Good luck and I wish you well.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
Cold-turkey withdrawal and the fact that the woman is married ought to be a great start.If you have to get a transfer, or seek another job; then do it.Wrecking a marriage on company-time seems disingenuous, and too much of a risk to be worth it. If her husband finds out, no telling what drama will become of it. If it becomes office-gossip of an affair; there is no telling where the the grapevine of gossip will end-up, or how it may effect your continued employment there. Some companies just won’t deal with the liability or scandal it can bring on their reputation. People do crazy things these days, especially enraged cheated husbands!The worst that could happen is somebody tells her husband at the office Christmas Party you’re sniffing around his wife. Then you’ve got a pissed-off spouse ready to beat the pulp out of you.It’s more lust than anything. Learn to control your penis and be a professional. All that crap like you can’t get it together might be something a buck in his 20’s might be saying; but don’t come across like you’re unhinged. Self-control is usually the best remedy. You’re an adult.Tap into that! You’re old enough to control your hormones.Love doesn’t make people totally impulsive and reckless; that’s more what stupid does!
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