I’m a 23 year old trans male.
So I’ve been single for well over five years now. I dated 1 girl in school and another in college. The first girl broke my heart (original I know.) So it kind of messed up my second relationship because of confidant issues. We broke up several times because I was still hung up on my ex and thought I wouldn’t be good enough for her and she was dealing with abuse at home. We weren’t good with each other but were great friends, and eventually the spark died and we stayed broken up for good. We’re still great friends though to this day.After that I kind of just recoiled into a shell and never really tried dating, but I’m getting tried of it now. I’m really easy going and have a lot of female friends who always use the phrase “There’s someone out there that’s perfect for you.” It gets really tiring to hear.I’ve tried dating sites like tinder, grinder, (I’m bisexual by the way.) But the thing is, that most of the matches I get, whenever I try to talk to them they just don’t respond, so I leave them be, and when they do respond and I mention being trans they just back peddle like hell. It’s really disheartening, and the people on grinder just act like I’m a novelty to them, they find the trans thing interesting and just want to fuck a trans person for hell of it, ect, ect.I get the feeling that I’m a freak and it’s obviously just too much baggage for people to handle, and I’m sick and tired of people being judgmental. I’ve had a couple of people interested but they’re not people I imagine building a future with. I have a very outgoing personality to people I’ve gotten to know, but I only seem to attract people that are for the lack of a better word unstable. Either drug addicts, people on benefits because they just refuse to work. I don’t judge, I never have, I’m told that’s why I’m easy to talk to, but as a result I’m just attracting people who are self destructive, I’ve attempted to date a couple of these people, hoping that maybe it could work but they have so many issues, (That I also have myself.) and I just can’t find the energy to to try and save both of us. If it was someone I really thought I’d have a future with, I’d fight. But I can’t find the will to fight for these other people because I feel like it’s too much effort to just ‘settle.’I’ve only been on one ‘offical’ date in my life, (I was friends with my girlfriends before we dated.) and it went terribly. She was a sweet girl but really quiet and spoke all of 10 words to me on the date. I kept bringing up stuff to talk about but she would give me one worded answers and it was really off-putting. I don’t wanna have to do it again, so dating is almost not happening.I think the major problem is that I don’t really go anywhere to meet other people. I live in a smallish town where everyone knows each other, and of course, people know I’m trans and run away. I haven’t had sex in about 2 years, and before that was it was three. I want to have more sex as well, but everyone I meet just treats me like a novelty. No one actually finds me attractive, and any that say they do, it sounds like pity. The only time I ever have sex is drunk and even then it’s rare because I still have to talk about the trans thing, and sometimes they’re still interested but then they leave in the morning and it’s back to square one. I don’t wanna meet a life partner drunk anyway. The club is not a place for love. I hate going out drinking because I hate crowds, I hate having to yell, bumping into people. I’m terrified of getting started on for using the mens toilets, (I’ve had top surgery, so I’ve very male looking but the thought ruins my night.) and 90% of the time the toilet door doesn’t lock so I don’t wanna risk going.I’ve also been started on because my brother, (who’s 27.) is a notorious womanizer. These women recognize me from when he’s brought them home, and they just start on me saying that ‘your brothers an asshole.’ And I have to tell them that it’s not my fault.There’s a lot of issues regarding my self esteem. I wasn’t good enough for my girlfriends, the only date I had went terribly, the only people who want to have sex with me are either drunk, or want to just be able to say they had sex with a trans person, the people that are interested have no aspirations or are self destructive, my brother (who’s 6ft 2in, and has the body of a body builder.) makes me feel like shit next to him, and the women he dates and breaks their hearts look at me like I’m the same as him.But I’m still a very easy going person, I’ve very bubbly and happy(ish) I’m studying for a masters degree. I’m an author. I want to get married, adopt (or IVF.) I want to settle down, but no one seems to want the same. Or I can’t meet people because most that I do just run away. I’m confidant in front of people despite being trans because I refuse to be ashamed, but I still feel like crap when I go home.I think the simple question is; How do meet someone who would want to settle down with me?Because I’m tired of being treat like a novelty.
View related questions: broke up, drunk, my ex, self esteem, spark, womaniser
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018):
HiMy eldest sister was my brother and she had the sex change op forty years ago. She went through hell because things were not as accepted then as they are now. More so anyway.She didn’t leap to tell people she was trans gender. She was who she was. That didn’t totally define her. So she met people and she told them if they started to get on together. She met the love of her life when she was 34. Nine years after her op. She went to mend his computer at his work place. He asked her out. She didn’t tell him straight away, they went on a couple of dates. He was smitten and she told him about herself, thinking he would leave. He didn’t and they had a thirty year happy marriage. He died earlier this year sadly. My point is, treat dating like everyone else does. A lot of us have things that we have to divulge at some point while dating, risking being hurt. If someone falls for you, then it won’t matter. If you don’t treat it like a massive thing, maybe everyone else won’t.Meeting people in bars and clubs and then having sex quickly isn’t the way to go. Expand your mind, concentrate on you and what you love OUTSIDE of dating and other people. Explore the world and the things in it that interest you. Join groups, volunteer, anything that gets you meeting people in the real world. Ditch Tinder etc, that’s not for you. It sounds as if you are interested in a real relationship. You are not likely to find it there. There’s more to you than being trans gender isn’t there? Let THAT be what people gravitate towards and fall in love with. Don’t let this define you totally. Good luck.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2018):
People treat you like a novelty, because in a way.. you are one. For some you are just not like other dudes. And for others it’s a matter of not understanding your choices and your lifestyle. It just doesn’t compute to them. And it’s NOT your job to educate them. That is their job.Have you thought about reaching out to the trans community? There might not be any in your village/town but there might be some close enough for you to get to know.As for how you find a partner to marry and raise a family with… I can’t answer that. What I can say is that other trans people before you have done it, so it’s not an impossible task.If you are in college maybe try joining some groups and meet new people? Volunteer? It might not land you a spouse, but you might meet more people and increase your social circle.As for the women who think that you MUST be a douche because your brother is… well, you can’t fix stupid OP. If they can’t see that you are TWO individual then that is THEIR loss…Chin up.
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