Hello folks. I’m being driven nuts by a dilemma and since I can’t talk to any of my friends about it, I thought I’d ask about it anonymously instead of turning it over in my mind to no end.
So this is the situation. I’m a 25 year old, attracted terribly to someone I know. We are not super close and don’t work together or anything but have had casual relations in the past, and there’s a lot of attraction there still. We get along pretty well as friends too, and make an effort to stay in touch and meet up when we can. She is a wonderful person, the problem is that she’s come out of a 7 year relationship with her ex boyfriend over a year ago, and they’re still close. From what I know it was a clean split, nothing messy like cheating or abuse or anything, and that’s made it harder for her to get over him because the were best mates. She told me up front that she’s not ready for another relationship yet, and doesn’t know if she will be anytime soon. Can you guys guess where this is headed yet? Now I want to make it really clear that I respect her wishes, and where she’s coming from, and I have never even entertained the desire of trying to change her mind or anything. It’s not my place. But I’ve dated multiple women since meeting her and she’s the only one I can think about. She knows I had/ have feelings, and so despite there still being a ton of chemistry between us, she hasn’t pushed for a no strings attached out of respect for my feelings. So basically I can choose to try and bite down on my feelings and hope they’ll go away and just enjoy the intimacy and friendship, or just stay friends. But the reason I’m asking here, and I don’t want to be judged for this because it’s very human, is that I’m wondering if there’s some hope that we might end up together. After all, it’s going to be two years since they broke up- how long do these things last? My longest relationship was a couple of years and it took me a solid year to get over my ex, but do you ever get over someone you’ve been with for 7 years? At our age (mid twenties), is it possible to move on and fall in love with someone new? Barring my long term ex, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve been with some unpleasant women since then, and some nice ones that I should have been more attracted to- but no one gives me butterflies the way she does. I will never, ever be bitter or resentful because she’s made her current stance clear enough, and either way I’ll be happy to have her as a friend. But entering a casual relationship with her, hoping it’ll evolve into something more- is this a fool’s hope? I’ll have nobody to blame for my broken heart but me, which is fair enough, but honestly I’m willing to risk it if there’s a slim chance. What should I do? I’ve tried over and over to go out with other people, people that check all the boxes on paper but it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know whom else to ask but the people of the internet because this is the first time in years I’m dreaming of something long term with someone who’s just wonderful and honest and gets me on so many levels. Older people in your late twenties and thirties, I’d really appreciate your advice in particular. I’m particularly curious about how long it takes sweet, loyal, committed women to be ready for love again after such a long relationship with someone who also sounds like a great guy. Am I just out of my depth here? Should I just be there for her as a friend and not get into a friends with benefits thing and see where the friendship goes? Or should I do what my heart (and body) are telling me to do, and get into an arrangement with her hoping that the terms will change down the road? I’m fairly confident at this point that we like each other as people enough to want to stay in each other’s lives even if we’re not fooling around, but the little part of me with abandonment issues is urging me to keep the physical attraction alive. So- advice! From men, women, everyone my age or older. Thank you in advance. Peace
View related questions: broke up, friend with benefits, her ex, move on, my ex, the internet
|<– Rate this Question|
Reply to this Question
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2019):
Yep, I will echo the other answers. She isn’t into you in THAT way.While some people take a LONG time to process and get over a break up, it’s been almost two years. SHE knows you are interested and had done NOTHING to let you know she is wanting to date you.And it might BE she just isn’t ready, but my guess is she enjoys your company (as a friendly face) but she isn’t going diving in her past flings for a new BF. You two had something “casual” BEFORE she dated her long term BF? Which means she and you would have been 16? If I am guessing right. And WHOM you might hook up with or crush on at 16 might not be what you want in your mid-20’s. SHE moved on. You didn’t.I’m sorry I don’t think she will all of a sudden realize that YOU might be a good fit for her. And I don’t think you can BE her friend when you have romantic feelings towards her.Your best bet is to keep looking to see what-else is out there.
|<– Rate this answer|
A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (14 March 2019):
There’s nothing here I’m afraid.If she REALLY did like you, she would WANT to be in a relationship with you. She wouldn’t be mulling over the decision and wondering if she will ever be able to love someone again. She will know that she can do when she meets the right person and you’re not it. I think you’re wasting your time here. These feelings won’t go away whilst you still hang out with her. I’ve experienced an unrequited ‘love’ where I ended up in a casual scenario with a girl who didn’t want anything serious and it really screwed my head up. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. You shouldn’t have to fight for someone’s affection, or prove to them that you’re good enough. If they can’t see it with their own eyes then you’re not meant to be. Believe me, I’ve now been a relationship for 1.5 years that I met afterwards and it made me realise why things didn’t work out with the other girl. Forget about the whole scenario and move on.
|<– Rate this answer|
A female reader, CindyCares + ♥, writes (14 March 2019):
She is just not that much into you. The general rule is that when people say that they are not ready for a relationship, what they really mean is that they are not ready for a relationship °with you °. She is letting you know, in not so many words, that she does not see you as boyfriend material; she likes you as a friend, or as FWB is this is the relationship you have / had with her- and nothing more.Aren’there any exceptions to the rule ? of course there are,- there are exceptions to everything. But suppose she is telling you the truth, that the only reason why she does not want you as a partner is that after two years she still is badly hung up on her ex. The perspective is not any rosier for you. Basically you are in love, or sort of, with her- and she does not reciprocate. A recipe for disaster. Lots of people start a casual, sexual thing and then they come to regret it because they caught feelings for their playmate – so it’s not all play and fun anymore, but it’s all jealousy and sadness and unfulfilled yearnings. If you start already knowing that you are not on an even keel emotionally- you are really asking for trouble.
|<– Rate this answer|
A female reader, chigirl + ♥, writes (14 March 2019):
She is just not that into you. Its been two years since they broke up. She was over him 18 months ago already. She just doesnt see you as boyfriend material.
|<– Rate this answer|