I have come here before and I have gotten some great insight in my love problems and found the main issue is “blaming” myself if anything goes down. This blaming comes in work – in friends – in relationship sexual and non sexual .. the moment something is a red flag or something goes wrong I am saying “I’m sorry” or I’ll do this instead or whatever it is because I become anxious and paranoid I did something wrong and I lose control
This affects me more in relationships because men ?(The smart ones ) have figured out how to be very manipulative of the situation and take advantage of my niceness I am not sure where this has stemmed from? I grew up in a broken home and my mother and father were verbally abusive and competitive – but I honestly do not care for them or feel much for them I lack confidence but I’m always just worried about looking him – or her – or the job or this or that and the ironic part is most of the people/opportunities looking back having been bad (meaning I shouldn’t have wasted energy on)Any tips?
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (11 October 2018):
This is going to be harsh, but I’m not trying to insult you, I’m trying to get you to realize the truth, so don’t get down on yourself after reading it. Here goes, are you ready?You’re not nice, you’re cowardly. People don’t take advantage of your niceness, they take advantage of your cowardice. You avoid confrontation out of fear and by accepting blame you believe will be thought of as having integrity without having to fight for it. People know this about you and nobody is fooled. They know you’re cowardly and they will take advantage of you. There is an old saying that cowards die a thousand deaths while heroes die only one. How many proverbial deaths have you died in your life?What can you do? You need to overcome your fear. In any given situation ask yourself: “Whats the worst thing that can happen if I stand up for myself?” Let your mind run wild. Most of the things you think of are likely to be extreme exaggerations. The thing is, the only way I know to overcome cowardice is to let yourself get “hit” so to speak. You need to see that the “hit” isn’t as bad as you imagined it would be. Note, that doesn’t mean you won’t suffer in some way, but, once you learn how to deal with suffering, you won’t fear it so much and you’ll be more willing to suffer a little more the next time. Note that I’m not necessarily taking about physical pain and suffering, although I’m not ruling that out. Basically, courage is really nothing more than the willingness to suffer. You have to be not only willing to suffer, but you have to be willing to get right back up when you’ve been knocked down and go suffer some more.Here’s the thing: Most people tire easily. Very few people want to deal with someone who keeps getting back up after they’ve knocked them down. You don’t have to necessarily win, you merely need to make the other person pay a sufficiently high price for fucking with you, that they decide it’s not worth the cost and they will move on to a less costly target.People will respect your willingness to suffer when standing your ground, even if you get knocked down easily. They still may not think very highly of you, but they will respect you.So, the next time, don’t take the blame. Fight back and let the chips fall where they may. Don’t fear the suffering, embrace it. It’s ok to get your ass kicked or to get ostracized. Better to have at least tried and lost rather than be that timid soul that knows neither victory, nor defeat.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 October 2018):
I think has more to do with you ability to deal with conflict rather than low confidence, but confidence pay a part in it.You don’t like confrontations. You don’t have the confidence to STAND by your choice, action or words.So it’s a bit of both. I think.LEARN from the past mistakes.LEARN to say what you mean and mean what you see, REGARDLESS of what the other person thinks you should do, feel, say… (not saying that you shouldn’t LISTEN to others but rather that you need to learn to TRUST that you ARE capable of making your OWN choices, just as THEY are making theirs.)Sometimes you might BE in the wrong and THAT is OK too! But try not to presume that YOU are always in the wrong.So WHEN things go sideways, talk things through, THINK them through before jumping to the conclusion that you HAD to be wrong.Work on your confidence. Find things you are good at and then work on getting better than you are. Let’s say your hobby is taking pictures and you have a great eye but perhaps not so great with the lighting… TAKE a class. EXCEL. Then TAKE how you feel when you have done something REALLLLLLY good and apply that to the rest of your life, yes, it means FAKE it til you make it in some cases.You can do it!
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