I absolutely know that I cannot stay with my husband. We are near divorce and there are things I cannot tolerate about him. However, I still ache, I still miss the good stuff….and honestly word of his new relationship is killing me. I have emotions festering that I did not know existed. How is it possible that I do not want to be with him….but I feel rejection, jealousy and heartache right now. And honestly, I want to be close to him. I am overcome with turmoil. Why? I did not expect this feeling, I thought I had this…I thought I was ready.
View related questions: divorce, jealous, my ex
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (25 October 2018):
You are feeling all the normal emotions a person feels when you have to part with your mate. There was a reason you married him; but apparently, those reasons dissipated. Differences became too acute and irreparable. Like you said, he became intolerable.Once you loved him (still do). Things once were good. Your disappointment is that the good things in your marriage didn’t stand-up to time, wear, and tear. Just makes you feel bad. Accepting the fact that what you had together didn’t endure; and realizing he has other prospects to look forward to, is hard to digest. He’s feeling all the same things; only he will process things according to his own personality. He may hide most of his feelings; and/or his character may not allow him to display remorse to your satisfaction. The fact is, you need time to let-go. More time to detach from his emotional-hold on you. The pros will outweigh the cons in your thought-processes. Logic will overtake you. You’ll become numb and immune.The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. It all seems as though things are moving right-along when you go through the motions; but your heart is always dragging several steps behind. It takes time for the subconscious-mind to adapt to the reality of a bad relationship. You’ve experienced a great loss. You’re supposed to feel remorseful and grieved.It’s healthy that you do. You have feelings! You’re disappointed, bewildered, and pissed! All at the same time!!! Oh, girlfriend; been there, and done that!The mind still wants things to be as they were. It still wants to feel the intoxicating-effects of dopamine you once felt while in-love. The hard-reality conflicts with your emotions. You keep ruminating over the good-times; but that is what the mind has to do during the process of letting-go.It just won’t accept that it was all for naught! Yet he might make it work for somebody other than yourself. How dare he? How could he? The odds are, he’ll repeat his mistakes; if he couldn’t fix them with you. Same goes for you, if you didn’t learn anything.Mixed-feelings about any type of breakup comes with the territory. You have to adjust to some very unthinkable realities. It didn’t work. It seems it should have. You tried desperately in vain; or he didn’t even try to make it feel it was worth it. It seemed it didn’t even matter to him. So the mind and heart might be a little hard to convince that it is what it is. What it is, is over! Don’t let his poison dwell in your system, my dear!Pamper yourself. Don’t let him or the failed marriage get you down. You did what you had to do. It was for self-preservation. He might find somebody else. Just remember; you are free to do better. Eventually this will be behind you; and you will see your victory on the other side.Let the emotions rise to the surface; and deal with the sadness, rejection, bitterness, and heartache. They are all temporary! For now, it’s still fresh; and you’re in the midst of it all. You’re human, and it takes us longer than machines or computers to reboot or reprogram.
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A female reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (25 October 2018):
You don’t say how long you have known him or how long you were married but I can honestly say that what you are going through is normal or at least it was for me. You are losing someone that was a part of your life, you shared everything with and now suddenly that closeness is gone and everything is turned all upside down. He has moved on already and yes that is going to hurt! Even if you don’t want him, you don’t want someone else to have him either right? Been there…done that. I’m sure you had happy times and you miss those times. My husband and I were married for only 2 years, we got married at 19. It was not a good marriage and he couldn’t handle everything and became physically abusive. I walked away and within weeks he started dating someone else, got her pregnant and within 2 months after our divorce (took 5 months) he got remarried. I loved him still and yet I hated him. Seeing him made me want to scream and our fights after the divorce were like a volcano erupting because there were still so many things we had not talked about. It hurt and I hated him, hated what he did and yet part of me loved him too. I knew he wasn’t good for me and I had done the right thing by ending things but sometimes your heart and brain don’t think the same way.You’ll get through this..it takes time. My ex has now been married and divorced 5 times and every time he breaks up with a wife he calls me…hoping to get back together. I just laugh. Whatever feelings I had for him died a long time ago but apparently he still holds a candle for me. His loss…
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