I am sick to death of getting talked down by my husband. we have been together over 20 years but I feel he treats me like I have no brain and he makes me feel I am a real thick head.
he drives around a lot for his job so he needs to know where all the quicker roads are to get where he wants to go. I asked him tonight where somewhere was and he said, I thought you would know where that was because we have driven passed it. I told him when you are a passenger in the car you don’t really take in roads signs or I don’t half the time. I got all angry because I said I don’t do what he as to do for work and he must know all the inns and outs of every road he goes down. I told him I am sick of how he makes me feel just because i don’t know all the roads like him. also I feel like I am in prison and need to be on good behaviour all the time. he said we have managed a week without me starting on him and if only it could carry on like that. I do pick on him sometimes for alot of reasons but I feel I cannot get angry or down because I am committing a crime and if he sees I am like that he wont like it so I have to try to be nice so he wont think im always starting on him. even if I just feel depressed and low I feel I have to put on a pretence because if he sees im down he will think im starting when it could just be anything getting me down. I feel I cannot be myself with him. should I leave him, is he worth staying with. i do wonder if he is worth be being with.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (6 March 2019):
I don’t know! You’ve described what seems like the typical married-couple who’ve been together for years; just getting on each others nerves. I have squabbles with my mate; but maturity and kindness prevails, and we back-off each other. It doesn’t mean we won’t tangle again. You don’t have to get lost, there are Google maps and GPS apps on your phone or tablet. Which is what Mr. Know-it-all uses when he’s going someplace unfamiliar. He’s rarely a passenger; so unlikely to forget streets or landmarks. Duh!!!What I’m saying is, 20 years is well-past the honeymoon stage. You’re both getting older, and crankiness comes with the territory. You’ve taught yourself to back-down when he barks. Ever seen a feisty Chihuahua that ferociously barks at all the big dogs? The little dog is telling them he’s not taking anybody’s abuse just because they’re a bigger dog! If he says something insulting, you don’t always have a witty or snarky comeback; so instead, you cower and take it to the gut. You could have told him he spoke to you in an abusive-tone. Tell him that he took it too far! CALL HIM OUT ON IT!!! Every-time he does it! Modify the behavior! Like a child who sasses or throws a tantrum; call him on the bad-behavior. Don’t argue or back-down!Firmly inform him that his talking-down to you is seriously affecting how you feel about him. It hurts you inside. You can understand he is angry; you can’t understand why he would want to crush your feelings. Give him a reason to think. Tell him it has gotten out of hand over the years!You just won’t take it anymore! Let him know you’re not kidding! You really think he has a anger-management issue harboring on abuse. He’ll try and flip the script; and blame it on you for getting on his nerves. He’ll recall all the times you’ve done the same; or continue to make you feel stupid. Say not another world. Let him think about what you’ve already said. When he gets no feedback, he’ll be confused. He needs tears or to watch you melt into a quivering puddle on the floor. Just be cold and quiet. Compose yourself, roll down a window, or wash your face. Tell him the difference is, he’s being an AGGRESSIVE AND ABUSIVE-MALE. Using his strength to intimidate you. The LAW looks at that differently. That will slow his roll! Put it in legal terms!Shut him down when he hits below the belt. Call it verbal-abuse to his face. Make him recognize when he is speaking too aggressively to his wife. He has a right to be angry; and to verbalize or express his displeasure. He does not have a right to verbally-attack you and pulverize you into the dirt. All he had to do was express what ticked him off, and leave it at that. You’ve got to develop backbone and stand-up when spoken-down to. You’ve taught yourself for years that you make peace by submitting to abuse. You don’t, you get just the opposite.It grows worse, and he starts to enjoy inflicting pain.Tell him in no uncertain terms that you won’t tolerate anymore verbal-abuse; or being treated like you’re stupid.If it takes sending him to anger-management, reporting spousal-abuse to the police, or getting marriage-counseling; you’ll consider whatever necessary to completely stop it. You’re not asking him to think about it, YOU ARE DEMANDING HIM TO STOP DOING IT!If he calls your bluff and ask what you’re going to do about it? Have your Plan B pre-arranged. Have a friend or relative ready to take you in and leave him to think about it. Tell him next move, he’s out of the house.If you are too intimidated by your husband to stand-up to him for abuse; then your only option is to leave him.
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A female reader, ClairM + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
I don’t think anyone can say from what you have wrote that leaving is the right thing to do. Do you love him? Does he say he loves you? It seems to me that each others ways niggle the other, i could be listening to my parents reading this, they have the same kind of things that niggle each other. Only YOU can say if you feel your husband is controlling and you feel you can’t be who you are and how you feel. Drivers often assume the passenger will know the routes if they have been in the vehicle a lot with them, i hear your frustration he had a go at you, i can even see why, but this does boil down to you both niggling each other over little things. Asides from this relationships can be hard work, are you still going out on dates, spending quality time together? I think a real effort to communicate, to date and to still find the time ti do fun things together will help you both to remind yourselves why you have stayed together, but if all that is being done and YOU FEEL it is going nowhere only you can decide if it is time to break up…
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
While I TOTALLY agree that as a passenger you don’t really pay the same kind of attention to the roads, sighs and makers, I think you are also making HIM out to be a bad guy because you are unhappy with him.You make this whole ARGUMENT over something so IRRELEVANT his fault alone and into something much bigger than it really is.My guess is you two have done this to each other for 2 decades now and BOTH of you are fed up with it, but NEITHER of you have done ANYTHING to try and fix it.YOU could JUST have used a GPS (either in your phone or for the car) and gotten there WITHOUT having to have an argument with him and feeling like you HAD to justify not knowing the roads as well as he does.If you aren’t happy and he isn’t happy either FIND a way to WORK on what’s not working, or… WALK away.You aren’t going to change for him, he isn’t going to change for you.
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