A female Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    age 26-29, anonymous writes:

The Fat Decimator System

About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won’t go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I told my boyfriend about it (I promised to always tell him if this person contacted me). I told him I’d like to reply and let the guy know I’m getting therapy and doing well, because at the time I cheated my mental health had hit rock bottom and he was worried about me. When I told him I was choosing to stay with my boyfriend, he asked me to contact him now and again to let him know I was alright. I haven’t done that, even though he also contacted me 2 months ago.

My boyfriend told me not to reply today, to delete the email and forget it. He says the best way I can show I’m fine is by not answering. I worry my silence will make him worried though. I’m not going to reply, seeing as I’ve promised not to, but how can I forget about it? I think about this guy a lot, wondering how he’s doing and wanting to talk to him, just about ordinary things. We were good friends before I started falling for him, and I miss that friendship. I also just found him exciting, which is making it hard to move on. I have a great life with my boyfriend and I know I’m lucky for that. But we’re missing that excitement, there’s nothing to fill that gap in my life now. We have a comfortable cosy relationship, which is probably what I need at 26, but I just can’t forget what I had so briefly with the other guy. I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and even in the beginning we didn’t have that kind of exciting chemistry. We never really flirted, just ended up together. We’re like a cuddly “old married couple”. I kinda wish I had met my boyfriend later in my life, when maybe I won’t care much about excitement any more. I love him and want a family with him, but right now we’re young, and sometimes I just want to feel young and daring. But also secure and stable… I know I’m asking for it all but I can’t decide what I want. I’ve started talking about it with my therapist, but I don’t see her again for another 3 weeks.Is my boyfriend right that silence is the best response to this email, even if it worries the other guy? And how can I forget and move on from him? Not responding hasn’t wiped him out of my thoughts and I don’t know how to get over him. I feel so guilty for feeling like this because my boyfriend has been incredibly tolerant through everything, he loves me, but I just can’t shake this off. Every day I feel like a tiny part of me is with the other guy, and it’s eating me up.

View related questions: cheated on my boyfriend, christmas, flirt, move on

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A male reader, Code Warrior Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (28 December 2018):

Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    Yes I am dismissive of mental health issues because I believe most of them are exaggerations. Not that there aren’t real cases of mental health issues. My wife has 15 siblings, 9 of them were adopted. One of my wife’s siblings was a schizophrenic that became violent and attacked us with a kitchen knife in each hand. We were able to subdue her with only minor cuts. It was after that she was put in an institution. After the institutions were closed down in our state she wound up becoming a drug addict and prostituted herself. She eventually OD’d. Another of my wife’s siblings that I never met spent most of his life in an institutional setting in another state. My sister is a low functioning autistic. I recognize REAL mental health/disability issues, not the exaggerated issues of people who crave sympathy and feel sorry for themselves.Hell, when I was 14 I acted like a depressed fool because I got attention for it, especially from girls. The more they paid attention, the more I acted depressed, and the more attention I got. I eventually started to believe my own bullshit. I continued exaggerating my feelings until one of the girls read me the riot act and snapped me out of it. I apologized to everyone and I was ashamed of myself. It’s easy to fall into the pity party trap and I was disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I vowed to never allow myself the luxury of feeling sorry for myself ever again. That’s 6 months of my life that I regret.Does my experience mean that every case of depression is just a pity party in disguise? No. Not at all. Obviously, having someone you’re close to commit suicide can be traumatic and I wouldn’t question you being depressed by that. But then you couldn’t just leave it at that could you? You had to claim the next thing I’m dismissive of: abuse. The definition of abuse is so watered down, and being a victim of abuse is so fashionable, and has such high standing in the victim class hierarchy, that I suspect that most claims of abuse are highly contrived, so color me skeptical. Even if everything you say is true, it doesn’t change my opinion of what you’re doing now. But, that’s just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (28 December 2018):

Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    Thanks for the follow up!So what is it you want? Do you want to continue the reconciliation process with your secure man. The man who couldn’t help you when you passed through that hard time. Or, do you want to rekindle the relationship with the other. You can’t have both, old reliable has told you the conditions of reconciliation. And those terms are very reasonable.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018):

You’re very dismissive of mental health issues. My cousin, who I was very close to, killed herself a month before I met this guy. Meeting him felt like a silver lining I’d been waiting for. The timing felt like a gift. We would talk for hours. We both had abusive childhoods and he understood a lot that nobody else I’d ever met had. I felt like a human again with him. The flirting made me excited about life again. We did not exactly have an affair, at least physically, we slept together once and never saw each other again after that because I told my boyfriend.So that’s the background. Call it “convenient” if you want but I would not wish my mental state in those months on anyone. There’s a reason those close to a suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018):

You should not contact him. No contact is how you forget about a fling. Your boyfriend is right. You should not contact this guy again, under any circumstances, unless you choose to end your current relationship for good. You want to talk to this guy because you are like an addict looking for the next fix. You are bored of being comfortable and this other guy makes you feel good and provides much needed excitement in your boring life with the boring guy you have settled for. If you are really that enamoured by this fling, you are free to go back and pursue him. But do the right thing and leave your boyfriend. You know in your heart that this other guy has a hold on you. Admit it. That is why you are trying to talk yourself into reasons to contact him again. At the end of the day, this other guy’s feelings should no longer matter. He has no right to know anything about you or how you are getting on. Your relationship is over and has long been over. You know you are just looking for an excuse to start up with him again because you are unhappy in your current situation.You are still young. If you are not ready to settle down at 26, that is okay. There are no rules. Just what you feel in your heart. I think that if you settle for this comfortable boyfriend, you are going to spend the rest of your life regretting it. You will eventually cheat on him anyway. To never have a spark with someone, not even at the very beginning when you are supposed to be swallowed up in mutual chemistry is very sad, OP. When you have that chemistry in a relationship, it carries you through. It is not everything, but it is definitely something. Not something to be overlooked. It is obvious you had more chemistry with the other guy. Perhaps you are more compatible with the current one? Maybe you would have the right balance of chemistry/compatibility with the other guy? Only you know.Don’t sell yourself short. PASSION is important in life. I think you’re too young to settle for this guy. You will realize you never lived life to your fullest or may have missed out on opportunities. If you leave, leave for you. Because you know deep down, this guy is not your forever guy. Then find yourself for awhile and then contact the other guy. I wouldn’t jump from one to the other.So many married couples lose the passion in their relationships over time. I have always found this to be sad. That is why people have affairs. You are ahead of the game. If the passion is not there now, it never will be. Think of that. And you can save yourself from a life sentence of dullness, boredom and never feeling alive. You can’t keep going the same way in life and expect to be happy. Sometimes happiness results from making the hard choices, asking yourself the hard questions and being strong enough to face the truth.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018):

if you have any respect for your boyfriend you’d break up with him. you’re clearly not over your fling and your boyfriend deserves better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018):

Of course your boyfriend is going to tell you not to reply, he is hardly going to encourage it is he?Read your own question back, you repeat excitement several times in relation to the experience, i am sorry but that doesn’t go hand in hand with hitting rock bottom mentally, i think that was an excuse. I am not saying you aren’t going through a hard time in some way but from that i read you are not really happy with your boyfriend, you are ‘Settling’ and why? what reason? You contradict yourself a lot, you say you are young but then say at your age you should want a relationship with less excitement, i am in my forties and i want excitement in my life with my man so why do you think you need to lead a mundane life based on it being ‘Comfortable’? You don’t love your boyfriend, you had a sexual connection with the other and you know deep down you feel you are missing out staying with your boyfriend but you haven’t got the guts to walk away because he offers you comfort and stability, you are scared of the unknown. You will probably stay with your boyfriend, it will limp along unless you accept reality and grab the bull by the horns. And that doesn’t mean replacing your boyfriend because i also get the impression you think you need to be with someone. Simply by being honest with yourself and that is life is passing you by and you feel you are missing something, only you can work it out in your head but that is how i read your post….

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018):

Like a child you want what you can’t have and think only of yourself.You didn’t mean it when you promised your boyfriend to cut off your fling and now you need to tell us that you miss him.You are being very selfish to your guy and it would give you the chance to experience what he went through if he could decide to sleep with another female just for the excitement and then come to you and tell you all about it begging your forgiveness.You expect more than you can give and you are being a low girlfriend who feels entitled to the security your boyfriend offers whilst dipising him for it.Change your need to blame others for the lack of excitement in your relationship.Your kind of excitement is torture to your boyfriend but you are too self absorbed to notice!

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A male reader, Code Warrior Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (27 December 2018):

Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    “About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend.”Your boyfriend should’ve dumped you on the spot.”Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me.”Your lover is manipulative and trying to stir up your feelings so he can start seeing you again.”…at the time I cheated my mental health had hit rock bottom and he was worried about me.”He’s so caring he’s just beside himself. Nevermind that he’s unethical and knowingly helped you cheat, HE REALLY CARES! Yeah, poor mental health, that’s what did it. It couldn’t be that you were even more unethical and you just didn’t care until you were racked with guilt. No, it had to be something wrong with your mental health so that you would have an excuse for betraying your boyfriend. Yeah, you’re really just a victim of poor mental health. How convenient.”I worry my silence will make him worried though.”Bullshit. You’re just looking for any excuse to talk to your lover.”I have a great life with my boyfriend and I know I’m lucky for that. But we’re missing that excitement, there’s nothing to fill that gap in my life now.”What you really mean is that your life doesn’t have the excitement of the forbidden fruit of cheating and trying to keep it all secret from your boyfriend. The truth of the matter is that if you broke up with your boyfriend to be with your lover, the excitement of the forbidden fruit of cheating wouldn’t be there either, so you’d pine for some other guy to give you that excitement.”I just can’t forget what I had so briefly with the other guy. I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and even in the beginning we didn’t have that kind of exciting chemistry.”Yeah, you weren’t cheating on someone back when you met your boyfriend, so it was kinda boring. Go figure. But now that you know the excitement of cheating, errrrr chemistry, well, you just want another taste.”I feel so guilty for feeling like this because my boyfriend has been incredibly tolerant through everything,”You don’t really respect your boyfriend because he’s been so incredibly tolerant and let you get away with cheating, so you’re not really trying very hard to forget the other guy, and that’s why you feel guilty.”Every day I feel like a tiny part of me is with the other guy, and it’s eating me up.”Translation: Every day I lose more respect for my boyfriend for clinging to the relationship and not having the backbone to dump me so I’m just going to slowly sabotage a good thing while, at the same time feeding off as much sympathy as I can get from friends and strangers on the internet.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (27 December 2018):

Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with-1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    Of course the affair partner is more exciting, he’s new, he’s forbidden, he is sharing the secret of your affair with you. Of course after you have decided not to settle with old reliable, he will not be so exciting and you will need a new affair to keep you going. How many affairs will it take to carry you through the next 10 – 20 years? How long will the trail of broken hearts you leave be?Maybe I’m replying more to the other aunts than to you. If you really want to reconcile with your current more than forgiving guy, you have to rebuild the trust you have broken. That means keeping every promise you made to him. The promise not to contact him, the promise not to think about him, long for him, worry about him . . . Do not get pregnant. Until you have really sorted this out.

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A male reader, N91 Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (27 December 2018):

Health And Fitness 977e3106-6f9b-4a08-abba-678cab1a22f1 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    It sounds like you’re settling here to be honest. You know you have a steady lifestyle with your BF but it’s clearly not everything you need if you’re having these thoughts. It’s okay to be with no one, don’t feel like you HAVE to be in a relationship. 26 really isn’t old, I got together with my first GF at that age after enjoying my younger years being single, now I’m at an age where I’m happy to settle down because I’ve had all the fun that I wanted when I was younger. Sounds like you haven’t just yet.I’d be seriously considering whether this relationship is right for you. If you truly loved your BF and had eyes for no one else, you’d of realised how much you messed up when you cheated and removed and blocked this other guy from everything, you wouldn’t be wanting to reply and being anxious that he’s worried about you. You can’t settle when it comes to love. Do everything you need to whilst you’re young so that you’ve no regrets when you’re older. You have plenty of time to get into a stable relationship.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious Health And Fitness i-cant-forget-the-guy-i-cheated-with I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     + , writes (27 December 2018):

Health And Fitness cb00d1ef-0a14-495d-ae29-55bd6b6b2f04 I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex    I have believed for a long time that who we settle down with is as much about timing as about the other person. We might meet “the one” before we are ready to settle down and, inevitably, that will not work out. Are you absolutely sure this relationship with your boyfriend is what you want RIGHT NOW? I giggled that you believed you didn’t deserve excitement or chemistry at the grand old age of 26. Really? I get what you are saying about your boyfriend having been “incredibly tolerant through everything” but that is obviously not preventing you thinking about the other guy. For what it’s worth, your lack of response is likely to keep him in your mind MORE than if you dropped him a message saying you were ok. I may have it wrong but, from your post, it sounds like you are with your boyfriend because you are comfortable and financially secure. Is that enough to see you through the next 10, 20 or more years? Is that what you want for yourself?

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A female reader, Anonymousfemaleganggang Health And Fitness ca I can't forget the guy I cheated with. Relationship & Sex     +, writes (27 December 2018):

I feel like it would probably ease your mind to reply. However that might open the door to restarting the exciting romantic relationship you had with this person before, and that is probably what your partner is worried about too. I feel like you should (if you haven’t already) tell your boyfriend what you said here and say that you miss that friendship. Although I think your boyfriend is right and that if you were truely happy and doing fine you wouldn’t have the time or feel the need to reply..(again, unless you want that person back in your life)

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