I know part of the answer. She’s selfish. Has some severe mental health issues but so do I, so I’m trying not to hold it against her. Been scouring all over the internet to understand. Narcissist? Bipolar? Just trying to make sense of all this. Feeling incredibly low and I can deal with the truth if it hurts but really needing some support if anyone is able.
Broke up with my gf the other day. Only dated a couple months but I really did fall in lover with her. At the time, I thought she did too. A month in and she tells me she loves me. I’ve fallen in love soon too but I waited to tell the person after I knew it wasn’t just ‘puppy love’ and honestly, not scare the person away. This one was different, or so I thought. It was all a lie or was it? Did part of her love me? A couple weeks ago I found out she cheated on me with two other guys. Begs me to take her back and she’ll change. I loved her. I still do. She seemed so sincere and I wanted to believe her so badly, despite the warning signs. I’ve made my own share of mistakes, though nothing like this. Still, I wanted to forgive. Needed to if we were going to get past this. Fool. Yesterday, I found out she was talking to one of the guys she cheated on me with. Confronted her. Told me she can’t choose because she knew him since high school. What? First I heard of that. Asked her why. Told her to let me go if she can’t be faithful. Tell me you can’t commit. Don’t drag my heart through the shredder. Again. She said she doesn’t want to give up on us but I was being controlling by wanting to know what’s going on? She told me about people who abused her in every way you can abuse someone. I know she’s in a lot of pain. She at least can’t fake that. So I asked her again, why? If you’ve been hurt so much by others and you tell me I’m the first guy to not treat you like a whore and best thing to ever happen to you, then why? She knew how much I loved her. How much of my pride and dignity I swallowed because I loved her. Who I thought she was. I still want to believe, sadly. She tells me she can’t help it. She wants it all. She wants others to change for her but doesn’t want to change herself. The selfishness. The simplicity and cruelty of her reasoning. What’s making it rough right is she keeps texting me. Never about what she’s done. How she’s hurt me. She glosses over it or just won’t answer then goes into how I’ve hurt her. It’s all bullshit. We both know it. It’s like she physically can’t admit how fucked up she’s acted. I don’t understand why she is so cruel about it. Why she knows how much she hurt me and has seen me cry over all this and still make herself out as the one who was hurt.I know no contact is best, I’m just so incredibly empty without her. If I’m strong enough, I’ll get over her and I will. But I just wish things were different. I wish I could make her see or admit how much damage she’s done. At least not make me feel like I was the one at fault. I am at fault, but for continuing to put myself through this.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (3 November 2018):
You didn’t want to characterize the relationship with this woman as “puppy love.” It isn’t love at all. It’s too soon to have real or established-feelings with a person you’ve known inside only a few weeks. You are infatuated with the idea of her; and most likely fascinated with her looks, and other superficial-traits. True-love takes so much more time to be established and nurtured. Not only that, but to make sure it is being reciprocated. Saying “I love you” is also a manipulative phrase. Trust must be earned and exchanged. Affection and loyalty must be demonstrative and consistent. Actions speak louder than the words. Lust is often confused with love.I would speculate that she’s an exceptionally attractive woman; so it was easy for her to charm you and steal your heart. I also detect a bit of desperation; so you would have overlooked a lot of red-flags, because you also want to possess her like property or a trophy. I detect far too much emotion and drama for so little time in knowing each-other.I take things into account like age and how a post is composed by the writer. I can tell you’re a romantic, and maybe a bit melodramatic. You’ve only been acquainted with this woman for the last 60 days; so surely there was more time needed on both sides. First, To sever old-ties with others; and/or to clearly establish where your romantic-connection was going. If you had to break it down. It takes about two months to get a realistic picture of the person you think you’re so fond of. Given more time, you can evaluate the consistency in their behavior. True-nature usually comes-out within the first six months to a year. If the person is calculated and an adept fraud; they can scam you for years. Point is, you don’t really know what kind of feelings you have for that woman; because you don’t really know her! Giving her your personal psychiatric evaluation; and knowing she has some psychological-issues, gives you more reason to distance yourself with as little commotion as possible. There may be other things about her you’d be better off not to provoke!Well, now you know she’s a cheater and has feelings for somebody else. You’re an adult, and you’ve admitted you know what you should be doing. I think it would serve you better to just move on; than to spend a lot of time dramatizing how wretched of a woman she is. She hardly knows you! And all that stuff about being in-love…well, in all probability; it is being in-love with the notion of being in-love. When you’ve been lonely for a long-time, or rebounding from a recent breakup; the heart yearns and craves a place to rest.Someone comes along and catches you in a very vulnerable state of mind; and you might deceive yourself into feeling more than you should, too soon after meeting each-other.Some people are very persuasive and alluring. Clever at manipulating someone they can clearly determine to be infatuated. Maybe she demands or needs lots of male-attention; and probably requires a lot of validation from men to appease her deep-seated insecurities. You’ve discovered who she really is.Chin-up and man-up! You’re a romantic, and destined to run into a string of heartbreaks. You’re between 36-40, and you’ve been down this road at least once in your life-time. More, if you’ve always been such a lover-boy! I mean that jokingly! I’m not making fun of you in a mean-spirited way. I can appreciate people who are like you. Unfortunately, the wrong people may get to you, before someone who is more deserving of you.Work on pacing your feelings. In time, someone better should find her way to you. Just make sure you’ve got your act together. Be mature and level-headed. Don’t let your imagination and fantasy get the better of you. Try to stay grounded; and let the words “I love you” be proven through consistent behavior, and with honesty. Slow-down long enough to get to know whom you think you love. Know why you think you love them? For more than just superficial reasons. Making her out to be a totally bad person serves no purpose; when you shouldn’t have sat her up on a pedestal in the first place.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2018):
You know she is bad for you, you know she doesn’t care as deeply as she claimed (having been hurt/abused in the past doesn’t give her an excuse to go around hurting other people, that’s absurd). Yet, you STILL keep in contact, you STILL hope that she will change for you, change for love. SHE WILL NOT.Accept that there are thing about her you liked, liked a lot but that you overall are not compatible. CUT all contact, wish her well, block her number, delete it and work on setting some goals for yourself and standards for a future partner.You have only dated a few months and not matter WHAT you tell yourself, she isn’t going to change. Claiming that she can’t “help” herself is her not taking responsibility for her own actions.YOU have to decide if you can BE with someone who will cheat n you and CONTINUE to cheat on you (because she won’t stop) or if that is not going to work (hint hint – it already isn’t working).You can’t make her DO anything. She won’t likely take responsibility (because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong) – which means she won’t apologize of admit to wrong doing… It’s JUST not going to happen and you are WASTING your breath and your time wishing she would.You ARE at fault for keep the hurt going by keeping in contact and rehashing it over and over.She cheated, you found out and ended it, so WHY drag your feet in getting rid of all contact with her?You aren’t powerless here, OPAnd to be honest, REAL love takes time to develop. Her saying “I love you” is her trying (in the beginning) to make you feel good about being with her. I don’t think she knows how to love. She knows how to mimic and imitate love, but that still isn’t love.If you put your hand in the fire and get burned, you would be more careful a second time near a fire, right? so when someone HURTS you, WHY keep them around? It makes no sense.Let her go. Fill that “void” she filled with things you enjoy, a hobby, volunteering, giving your home a make over, something that will make you forget her and the hurt and move forward.
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