Hello to all. I do need help I need some advice or at least someone who does not judge me or listen to me. I met an Iraqi man four years ago. He arrived to the USA as a refugee. We met in person one night I was out with some girlfriends and he was with some other Iraqi guys. When I met him he barely spoke English but we could communicate so we became first friends then shortly after we became: girlfriend/boyfriend”. I am an independent woman, I support myself have my own place, car, good job etc. I helped him in some many ways during his first years here, not only him but another Iraqi family who came to the US at the same time. We had a good time together I really thought he is my soulmate.
One day an Iraqi woman who he introduced me spoke to me about him being married in Iraq. I did not believe at first. I asked him he denied saying she is jealous of me. Later on she showed me a picture of him with a baby saying is his son and is in Iraq. He said to me she is laying that baby is his nephew… I believed him. After a month an unknown woman contacts me trough fbk saying is his wife and is waiting for him in Iraq. I didnt say anything to him this time but I asked if she came give me her number so I can add her on Viber so I did.One night he was at my place and I notice his phone ringing at 5 am. I woke up so I took his phone I saw was a number from Iraq. I checked the number she gave me it was the same so I decided to call her back from my phone. So I did. He was asleep. when she answered I said do you need to speak with Ali? She furious says who are you where is my husband, I said your husband? He is here sleeping. So I woke him up and gave the phone to him, he answered Alo..she got crazy yelling and crying and cursing the whole world. He could not believe what I did. I grabbed the phone I pressed the speaker and asked him why you are saying you are single? why you denied your wife and your son? why you dont comment your life in iraq? she cries and cursing me.Since then everything has been bad. She asked for divorced and move away from Iraq with her family and the kid. We really never broke up. I am so mad at him and myself because what I did. I have a lot of pictures of us and I sent it to her all of them saying look this is your so-called husband. She took all that as an evidence of adultery..this is a mess.I never left him. Now he has a stable job, he lives in a decent place, has a good roomie, his own car, etc etc. He became distant very distant, his weekends are for his friends no more for me, his visits are short, not movies, dinners anything. I am so so hurt. this is ridiculous I cant move on. I am so hurt but can not stop seeing him. I cosigned for him to be able to get a car because he didnt have enough credit on his own; he makes the payments on time this is not an issue this was 2 years ago I also left him to used my credit card to buy a new iphone, he is making payment on it also. I dont know why I cant move on. I do need help. Now he told me last week that he is tired to be with me, I am jealous, needy and too demanding for him and is better to part ways but he still will making payments so my credit does not get bad. I am so hurt I can not think or focus in my studies, I can not sleep. I cant not believe this after all I stood by him but now he doesnt want me around. Help!
View related questions: broke up, divorce, jealous, move on, soulmate
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (6 November 2018):
You had better make payments on the credit cards and co-signed loan yourself. At any given time he may stop, and leave a balance. You can always sue in small claims court. I strongly suggest that you get him to sign a repayment agreement; and have it notarized. His credibility is shot. He got tired of his wife and child, why should you be anymore important to him than they are? Sorry, but you have to get a grip, girlfriend!Being an adult requires that we see life for what it is. Not in a bitter cynical-sense; but using logic, reason, and having a firm grip on reality. Living in a free nation has only one drawback; and that is, we the people tend to have a strong sense of entitlement. It goes beyond our inalienable rights. It extends to being greedy, selfish, and demanding. We’ll swear we’ve got to have someone or something; when we know is not ours to be had! Even if it is someone who doesn’t reciprocate our feelings. Throwing a tantrum; and kicking and screaming to get what we want!You have to learn to give-up what is bad for you; or what/whom you cannot have. You don’t torment yourself by clinging to it, at any cost! If you do, it had better be well worth it. You should come through a winner for it!”I want it; therefore, I should have it!” Maybe a child can justify that spoiled and immature mindset. Not an adult! We resolve and submit ourselves to common-sense; and deal with the disappointment and grief. We hurt, but come-out stronger for it. Live and learn!Why did you write DC for advice and opinions; then ask not to be judged? How much advice are you really going to listen to; if we pat you on your head, and kiss your butt? Why ask for advice, and then say you never left him? Then scream for help??? But no…don’t judge!Unless you have a terminal or chronic-illness; hurt goes away. It goes away even sooner when you make the right decisions and implement the right solutions. Stubbornly hanging-on out of entitlement prolongs the pain. Whether you hang-on or not, he has already let-go. So what are you clinging to?You have to use your sense of reason and discernment. Don’t insist on doing yourself harm, and tell people trying to help you not to judge you for being foolish or self-destructive. You didn’t know he was married. Now you do, and he lied. So end it, and move on. He said he is tired of you, so that means you have no choice. Protect both your heart and your credit.Time heals. The sooner you start your detachment and healing process, the sooner you will get-over him. Trust me!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 November 2018):
Cut him off.For several reasons. 1. he IS still married until the divorce is final and BY THE BY… while a Muslim woman can ASK for divorce HE (the husband) can DENY her the divorce. She doesn’t HAVE the “right” to divorce him. ONLY he has that right.Second of all, cultural differences. Simply.Lying to you was for HIS benefit only. He didn’t give one SINGLE shit about his wife and kid OR your feelings. It just didn’t matter.You can’t turn back time. YOU started the drama by answering his phone and by IGNORING the information given to you, you trusted a man who wasn’t TRUSTWORTHY.Of course he wants nothing to do with you now, you know he is a liar and you still CLING to him. OP, HALF the World’s population are male, you can’t tell me that you live in a place where HE is the ONLY option.And lastly… THERE IS NO future with this guy. If he eventually divorces his wife, he would not marry you. He would find himself a GOOD MUSLIM woman. That isn’t you.ACCEPT that you got fooled. Taken for a mug.He never cared as deeply about you as you did him. He used you and what you offered, help, sex, company.So make SURE he pays off the balance of what he OWES to you and then GET A NEW credit card that HE doesn’t have access too. No one FRIGGING NEEDS an Iphone for goodness sake!Once you have ALL the money for the phone back, BLOCK his number, DELETE his number and ALL contact info and then move on. YOU CAN move on if you want to. Right now you just don’t want to. Why? I don’t even know?! It makes no sense that any woman with a bit of brain would keep chasing this guy. And I do think you have a brain, why you aren’t using it, I don’t know.Smell the coffee. Get over it and move on. Sure, it’s easier said than done but you are just beating a dead horse with keeping him in your life. The SOONER you get RID, the sooner you can move on.You got hoodwinked, accept it, let it go and move on.And next time… date someone with whom you have more in common.
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