I have been dating this married man a little over 2years now. I was with him for 5 months before he married his wife(chose another woman over me whiles I was with him). At the time of his marriage I was two months pregnant for him which I made him aware but in anger, asked me to abort the pregnancy so he could get married in peace. Mind you, this guy in question is my father’s employee and because of that I couldn’t take this issue up any further. I started believing this guy had just taken advantage of me because of my vulnerability (realationship between my dad and I isn’t so good. He doesn’t like me for reasons he only knows). I had to give in to have abortion. Mind you, I also have multiple uterine fibroids which demanded I give birth quickly so I could later have a hestrectomy surgery done (a surgery to remove the fibroids and the uterus together. He knew all these but still didn’t care about me. He got married, the wife travelled back to the states and then he came back begging to be back in my life. I felt so humiliated and used but I also thought it was my chance to get back at him if I had a better plan. Throughout our stay together he practically drove away every guy away from me and made me have 5 additional abortions for him whiles his wife gave birth to a baby boy just after 6 months of their marriage. The wife gave birth almost about 2years now in the states whiles he is here and has not even set eyes on his own child. Just later part of last year, I was taking care of my sick dad in the hospital when I found out I was pregnant again, this time I told myself enough is enough, I am going to have the baby no matter what. I told him about my decision but also told my father and my mom. They felt disappointed but had no option than to accept because of my medical condition. After this, I just wanted to give up any resentment and retaliation for the sake of the baby I’m going to have so I decided to break up with him and also for the fact that he started seeing another woman. Now he says I ruined his relationship with his wife. His wife apparently stalked me on social media and got some of my pictures to send to her husband calling me all sort of nasty names so I also sent a message to stay out of my case because if really she wanted to keep her husband she would have stayed to take up her role. Now,I have realized this guy is a natural cheat and don’t want to have anything with him but I also wants the wife to know I’m going to have his child but no more a part of his life.
What should I do?
View related questions: abortion, married man, stalking
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 March 2019):
Have you actually read what you put in your post? You knowingly had an affair with a married cheat but are putting the blame on his poor clueless wife? Do you not think she has enough to contend with, with a husband like him, without having her nose rubbed in his mess?It was YOUR CHOICE to keep having sex with him after he showed you how little he cared for you by marrying another woman. It was YOUR CHOICE to use abortion as a contraceptive instead of actually using contraceptives. It was YOUR CHOICE to keep this baby (probably the only non-crap decision you have made). So why do you think you should make the wife suffer even more? Why are you acting like a victim in all this? Your relationship with your father is irrelevant. You cannot blame that for all your bad choices throughout your life. You are now an adult. I do understand your need to “put things straight” with the wife but, honestly, it will not make you feel any better. What WILL make you feel better is if you can become the bigger person, rise about all that has gone on and prove yourself a worthwhile human being and a good mother to your child (because it sure as hell sounds like you will be a single parent). You now need to concentrate on looking after yourself and your poor unborn child, who deserves better than he/she has had so far. I hope your parents will support you through this. If there are any legal obligations in your country for fathers to financially support their children, make sure you press for this from your feckless ex. You can’t change the past. You made some horrendous choices but you have to let them go. Move forward by making BETTER choices – like cutting all contact with this dreadful man (because I have a feeling you will still go back to him, despite his abhorrent behaviour towards you) and by leaving his wife out of this mess. Concentrate on taking care of your own health and that of your child. That is all that is important now.
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (17 March 2019):
Move on.Why are YOU trying to act like a victim here? You willingly helped a man cheat on his partner which then progressed into his wife and you’re trying to act like YOU are being hard done by? Grow up. Seriously, think about what you have been doing. What do you expect when you’re screwing round in other people’s relationships? Of course he doesn’t want a baby with you, he’s married for god sake. Why were you not using a condom as well? Not only cheating, but risking pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. You sound really immature. Surely after 1 abortion you’d of learnt 1. To leave this scumbag alone 2. To practice safe sex to not have the same thing happen again, but no. Now your whole little fantasy world has come crashing down and the child isn’t a secret anymore and everyone knows you’ve been cheating, you want to be spiteful towards this guys wife? SHE is the only innocent one here, why does she deserve more grief? How selfish can you be? If you want to keep the child, then do so, forget about this guy, if you want child support off him then you can make arrangements for that yourself but stop fucking around in other people’s relationships and acting surprised when shit hits the fan. Leave their marriage to crash and burn on its own, accept your mistakes,grow up and move on.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (17 March 2019):
You want to be spiteful and get back at his wife, and he’s the one who dumped you. Your father doesn’t like you, your cheater-boyfriend dumped you and got married; and his wife doesn’t like you either. Why doesn’t she have a right not to like you?So now you want to be spiteful and create as much drama and commotion as you can; after you made bad choices. You got several abortions for him? As if you didn’t have a choice.So you want to do mean spiteful things? Here’s what you should do. Contact child-support authorities, and set-up getting child-support payments. That is, if you choose to keep this child. If you’re going to give the child a terrible life in a toxic-environment; have mercy, and give the baby up for adoption. Everything that has happened to you regarding this guy was of your own choosing. Now you want to be vindictive. His wife has a right to be angry; and to call you nasty names for threatening her marriage. If she suspects that you were messing-around with her husband. He had left you, and that was that. You have the means to move on, live wherever you want to, and to disappear completely from sight. He couldn’t scare away your boyfriends; unless you let him know who they were. You were only trying to make him jealous; and trying to create trouble when you could have just moved and started a new life. Your trouble-making and bad-choices backfire.His wife doesn’t care about you; or any child you may or may not keep. It’s not her fault what he does; and ruining his marriage won’t make you any happier. It will only make you evil. Rise above it, or go under with it! You can’t win!Move on. That’s what you should do. If you keep the child, be a good mother, a kind person, and make sure he pays child-support. She’ll find-out when the authorities notify him for the support-hearing. You don’t even have to be there. He may demand a paternity test; if you’ve been with other men. So you don’t have to go out of your way to hurt her. She’s not cheating with your husband, you’re messing with her husband! She is within her rights to defend her message no matter how you feel about it! He didn’t choose you!
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