I just got out a two year long relationship because my boyfriend won’t commit to me. I’m not blaming him, I respect what he’s dealing with and I miss him A lot. But there were some flaws that I couldn’t ignore.We have been in a long distance relationship since August. And it was going well till I asked him to match his level of efforts towards us to mine. I have spent two years getting to know him and his needs. And he is prone to depression. I have been there with him through his toughest times. And somehow, my needs came last because I suppose I know how do deal with my problems… I loved being there for him but whenever it comes to me standing up and talking about what I need from him, he talked about breaking up because he couldn’t deal with it. At two points of our relationship when we were about to break up, I told him exactly what I was looking for which is, getting engaged or at least working towards a solid space, and every time he agreed but failed in his actions. Right now as well, he wanted to take a break and eventually get back and that’s his POV and it’s fine. But my needs and not getting met and he said he’d rather break up because he doesn’t see himself settled for at least sometime more. He isn’t sure of me. I find this a little insulting and don’t understand what exactly did I do to be at the receiving end of such inconsistent behaviour. He oscillates from completely in love with me to breaking up every time I bring up a future. So I decided to end thingsThe only thing is that I miss him terribly and it’s not to say that he dint love me dearly or there was anyone else in the picture. I don’t know what to do. He wants to keep dating but doesn’t want to settle down for at least another couple of years. That’s not where I’m at. I miss him so much that in my vulnerable times, I don’t mind accepting his terms. What should I do?! Sukanya
View related questions: a break, engaged, long distance
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
He is wasting your precious time. He’s a wimp of a man and totally self-centered. You don’t mention how often you actually spend time together; but regardless of that, he doesn’t seem to care much about you or your needs. That is the deal-breaker! I am happy, for your sake, that you recognize the fact.He’s dragging his feet and offering little to show that there is a any movement towards anything solid or substantial between you as a couple. What you have amounts to a pen-pal relationship conducted between devices. Most of the time shared is spent attending to his needs and catering to his depression. You are a kind and patient person; but don’t let that be exploited. How boring of a relationship; to have to forgo romance for a long-term pity-party. Constantly reassuring someone everything will be alright; when nothing ever seems to change for him. It’s all about him; hardly if ever about you! I can only presume his sadness and self-pity continues in spite of all your efforts to cheer him up. Now he wants two more years?!!Seriously?!!Never accept a relationship entirely on any man’s terms. It must be a give and take situation. Relationships go both ways! Frankly, there doesn’t seem much there to miss; but your always yielding all of your time and efforts to pampering and attending to his wounds. Nursemaiding and mothering him. Sweetheart…what about YOU??? He’s draining your soul of light and energy! Let him find himself another wet-nurse!You deserve affection, tenderness, time together, working things out as a couple, and developing trust; while nurturing your relationship with love, and enjoying his attention. Not always sitting there sopping up his tears and listening to him whine about this and that. No, don’t waste another minute; let alone two more years!Let him attend to his own problems and grow-up. Find yourself a relationship you can enjoy in real-time, and someone actually in close-proximity. Someone healthy, and able to share intimacy; and actually willing and able to participate in the relationship. You need his physical-presence in your life. You need time together to get to know each other on personal-terms; build a bond and romantic-connection based on your five senses. To form an emotional-connection on a one-on-one/face-to-face basis. You’re a whole-person, not a half of him. Generously giving of your strength to support him; and still having to carry-on through the trials and challenges of your own life. It must be exhausting! Who’s there to catch you when YOU’RE falling, or need comforting?We are living in a modern-world where people are void of feelings, disconnected, selfish, and device-dependent. People so emotionally-juvenile; they actually believe romances can be sustained over remote distances indefinitely. The reason so many people are emotionally-immature or detached these days; is because they lack developed interactive-skills. They use emojis to express emotions, and have to create fantasy-characters and avatars for personalities. Never in-person, always online, and forever a screen-image. You rely on his visits to remind yourself you are in a committed-relationship. At the end of these eventual visits; you’re left feeling grieved, distraught, and abandoned. You kill yourself trying to squeeze a ton of activities into moments! You can hardly relax when you’re finally together; because you’re always aware it’s only for a short time. My gosh, I do hope you have actually spent some time together! Many OP’s in LDR’s who write to DC; have never actually been together, or only a handful of times!Another two years of that???Long-distance is sometimes unavoidable; but it should be short-term, and the relationship has to come together. Two people in-love should be together as a couple. LDR’s survive on hope, and are challenged by time. If that hope bears no fruit, the relationship dies. The devotion invested during that time was all wasted.Let him go! Enough is enough! You miss him??? You’re just jonesing and craving from withdrawal. Your addiction developed from the long-term effects of holding-on. Habitual-messaging and constant use of devices. It wasn’t a real human-connection. It was however, you being his daily-caretaker; while he contributed very little. Always supplying drama and gloom. Without reciprocity, you have no relationship; you were just somebody he could whine to and lean on. Probably because others insisted he pull it together and man-up. If he needs mental-healthcare; then he should seek himself a good therapist. You were supposed to be his girlfriend, not his mother.Let this go, and move on. You’re carrying the relationship all by yourself. In time, once your withdrawal and detachment-process has completed; you will see all this. You’re lonely and feeling the grief of loss right-now.Hang in there, Sukanya!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
Dating, relationships and marriage IS about compromises, hard work and LOOKING for solutions that SUIT you both.I think YOU compromised “too much” and HE not at all. Which makes for a uneven relationship.YOU can LOVE someone and NOT be a good fit. Been there, done that!~NEVER ever be your partner’s “therapist”. And don’t ALWAYS bend over backwards in HOPES that your partner will notice and DO the same for you at some point, because it’s NOT realistic.Breaking up WAS/Is the right thing for you. HE isn’t in a place in his life where he is HEALTHY (mentally) to BE in a relationship where his partner (you) can RELY on his as much as HE relied on you.If he CAN’T see a future with you AFTER two years together, then THAT isn’t about YOU not being good enough. It’s because he KNOWS he can’t GIVE you the things you want.You were “CLAPPING” with one hand with this guy. Which is why your needs weren’t being met. He wasn’t as invested in the relationship as YOU were. He isn’t as stable (mentally) as you are and not as far along in thinking about the future as you are.What should you do? GO totally no contact here. DO NOT allow him to still “use” you as his “therapist” and “pick me up”. If you have to BLOCK him on ALL social networks, phone etc and DELETE all his contact info. So YOU don’t feel tempted to get back together.There IS no future with this one. what YOU want and what HE wants are NOT on the same page, nor in the same book.Doesn’t make him a “bad guy ” just NOT the partner you want/need. What he asked was to PUT you on a shelf (basically) for a few more years but WHO is to say that if you DID keep things as they are… that it will be YOU he will want to be with long term? People change.Take some time a process the break up, to look at your OWN actions and behaviors though out it and LEARN from it so NEXT time you find yourself with someone, that you hopefully have found someone who is in the same book and close to the same page.A good relationship should be a SHARED “labor of love”. It shouldn’t be one person doing all the work, making ALL the compromises and the other ones sorta just coasting along for the ride.
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019):
men don’t like to be rushed to settle down also they like to be the ones to instigate settling down or they start to feel forced into it and then back off because of commitment and losing theyre freedom.so you have to back off from talking about settling down and carry on as you are until he makes the decision to settle. if you feel really unhappy with that and really want to settle before then the only option is to leave him to it and possibly that might make him realise he doesn’t want to lose you and change his mindbest wishes
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