I, like many grew up with a toxic family. My parents where not there and pretty much abandoned me. I have struggled alot of my life due to this but also the last few years I have done alot of work and had therapy on this. This has made things easier and better for me , although it’s not perfect and i still struggle with insecurities, fear of abandonment and vert low self esteem. I would say that due to therapy etc i have made peace with things my parents did , i don’t have a relationship with them but I feel less angry at them
The other person in my life is my sister who I grew up with however she was a very toxic and bullying sister to me and has continued throuhh her life being like this. I cut her out many years ago. Other siblings have also done the same as they learnt what she was like. Now I do understand that she suffered as well and see why she turned out how she did. But some of the things she has done are so painful to me. She is the one person I struggled to talk about during therapy. I have been thinking lately why I still feel so stuck and wonder if it’s because of this. My question is really about forgiveness, I can actually forgive my parents but forgiving my sister is very difficult. I just feel choked up when I even think about it. I don’t wish her harm but I just can’t seem to make peace with how she was.But is forgiveness the key , is that what helps and would help me move forward .
View related questions: self esteem
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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018):
Absolutely! If you feel choked up when you think about her, it could be why you feel so stuck. And yes, forgiveness could free you from the load of baggage you are carrying.Asking yourself this question is possibly a sign that you are ready to face the difficult task of doing it. Consult with your therapist again and give it a try. Good Luck.
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A female reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 December 2018):
I think that if you can find a way to forgive and accept then your mind/heart will be more at peace. It isn’t easy to forgive someone that has hurt you very deeply but if you can someone let go of hurt/anger you will feel lighter and more free.I speak of my own personal experience. I have always had a very turmultuous relationship with my mother. We are very different and my mother is the type that speaks first and thinks later. She’s very outspoken to the point of being cruel. She has also done tons of things to me that have cut me so deeply and yet very seldom have I ever said anything back because its not my nature to say hurtful or cruel things even when the person might deserve it. A few months ago my mother did something that truly pushed me over the edge and sadly it even involved my only sibling, my sister. Out of all the things my mother could have done, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I called her up and told her how very hurt I was and couldn’t believe how she could hurt me in such a manner when I always took her crap and never fought back. At first it felt kind of good but then I felt sad and guilty. The hurt/pain was just taking too much of my energy and making me feel almost sick inside. So I (as the song says) let it go. I can’t change what she did, I can’t change my mother but I can choose how I decide to feel. She is my mother, I do love her even though I do not like many of the things she says or does or how she treats my sister and I. I can’t walk around with that kind of weight and I refuse to. She is who she is and I don’t have to live inside her head..she does. I accept what has happened and I have moved on. As Honeypie says, it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten but I chose to let it go. I don’t need that kind of negative energy swirling around me. In the end, its what you chose to live with. As I have preached for a long time…we don’t get to chose our family. We can chose friends and partners, but not our family. Some people have very loving caring family and some of us don’t. You cannot control anyone’s action but your own. Be well sweetie. I hope you can find the peace that you are searching for.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 December 2018):
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiveness is (in this case) more for YOUR peace of mind that hers.So yes, if you can, forgive her. Doesn’t mean you HAVE to tell her that you have forgiven her, or even have anything to do with her, but think of it as an “acceptance” and understanding of WHY she acted/acts the way she does is HER childhood trauma and how SHE dealt with your parents abuse.
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