My girlfriend of 6 years is studying abroad for a year (since mid-September). We’re fairly committed to each other so we are trying to do long distance. We are also fairly sexual people but have only ever really been with each other. We are also both curious about being with other people sexually. So, we agreed to have lots of sexy phone calls, and to try having an open relationship. We agreed that we would always tell each other about any encounters, and that we wait 1 month from when she left before trying anything. We also agreed that any encounters would be purely sexual and not romantic.
So after exactly one month, she phoned to say she had made-out with one of her roommates (she was drunk). I told her it was okay with me but that I was bothered that her and I had yet to find any time for those sexy phone calls. She agreed and we had a brief call before she went to bed and since then, we haven’t found time for a second one.Today, she invited a guy over for a study date and now they’re both sleeping in her twin bed (he offered to sleep on the floor). This is totally within our agreement and I’m not necessarily against it, but I’m having a hard time getting it out of my mind. Partly because just sleeping together seems far on the romance side of things, and partly because between were new classmates, 5 roommates, and nearby relatives, she has very little time for me. Meanwhile I’m writing a thesis, mostly working alone, and have never had more time to myself. Should I be so bothered? Should I be worried that she’s going to replace me? Should I try to cancel the open relationship? I’m excited be the concept of an open relationship but I’m not really happy with the current situation.
View related questions: drunk, long distance, roommate
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2018):
I think you should be open about how it makes you feel.And I also think the reason you are up in the air about it now, is because she has BARELY been gone a month and she is already out there “trying” out her new boundaries.Open relationships can SOUND great in. It can “look” great on paper, so to speak, but the reality is that ADDING more people to a relationship/bed rarely works out.You both increase the chance of STD’s, of pregnancies (she can get knocked up and YOU can knock up someone else) of developing emotions for others, trying out new things with people who are “supposed” to not matter. And let’s not forget the OTHER people in these scenario. MAYBE they don’t want to be “used” as f-buddies for the two of you. while you and your GF might be UPFRONT about what YOU want… these people MIGHT also develop feelings. They aren’t sex-bots. They are human beings.So IS IT REALLY worth it?A concept or a fantasy is RARELY the same in reality. As you have now discovered.WHAT is wrong in NOT having sex with others for a longer periods? You aren’t going to DIE from the lack of sex. Maybe a little frustrated but SEX should MEAN something in a relationship.Also the fact that if you are busy and SHE is SO busy she can’t even call you a second time but SHE can hook up with two guys… How long do you really think your relationship will last?You two are breaking eggs here, to play in the yoke… But the EGGS is YOUR relationship and future. So HOW important is this having sex with others? You haven’t had sex with anyone yet, right? So obviously, you CAN do it… but is it worth it? IF you sleep with someone and SHE feels how you feel…Think about it.Open relationship RARELY work out. It created more drama, hurt feelings and alienation of your partner then it will do you good. Especially if you two were ONLY with each other for years.I think, people can do what they want. But for me MORE partners…. it’s a bad idea. It’s like pissing yourself in winter to keep warm. Sure, it might work for all of 30 seconds and after that… it’s ALL regrets.TALK to her.
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