In my current state I feel lonely, depressed and unable to get over recent rejection with the *only* person I’ve had feelings for so far.
To give more insight, I’m 15 years old and far from being attractive. In fact, I’ve not been favoured once by someone before. I’ve essentially become an ‘eww, I’d never go out with him’ idol. I’ve been good friends with a girl for a couple of years now. She’s probably my closest friend and, more recently, I begun to develop feelings for her.Although I might seem young, I’ve been searching for a partner for a while now, looking for anything in a person that attracts me. Nobody else harbours anything that draws me in besides her. No one ever has. And given that I’m unattractive as it is, it would be a miracle if anybody would feel the same anyway.So I’m now really feeling for this girl. In the beginning, it seemed obvious that she was into me. Everybody I know was certain. But I was always weary that she wasn’t, which at times made me doubt trying with her at all. I tried my best to power on. Eventually, after a long period of building confidence, I decided to tell her. Unsurprisingly, I was rejected straight away.A long while later, and it still hurts. More than it should. I can’t stop thinking about the whole mess. She told me that I just didn’t start a ‘spark’ in her. Nothing more, nothing less. I told her that it’s fine if she just wanted to stay friends (again, we’re very close). No means no. I know that. I accept it. Yet, despite that, I’m still unable to move on. I’ve asked for advice, they all tell me ‘move on’. I can’t. The hellish thing about it is that I dont know why.Perhaps it’s because part of me is torn. I can’t help but think that, maybe, one day in the future she will feel different about me. I desperately want to accept that. I would still give anything to be with her. Ridicule me for being ‘only 15’, but I love her. I want only for her to be happy, and I want to think that someday she would be happy for us to be together, even despite being rejected once. On the contrary, no means no. Other people, and part of me, believes that this is an impossible outcome. But I’m torn, and I feel that I’ll only be able to move on when I know for sure that it will never happen.Because of all this, I’m lonely, depressed and the only thing I think about is the great faliure I’ve made of myself.Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you to anyone who answers in advance.
View related questions: confidence, depressed, move on, period
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (31 October 2018):
We’ve all been there believe me, I’m almost certain that everyone will feel this heart ache at least once in their life where your ‘love’ for someone else in unreciprocated.I’ve been there twice and it hurts, but it’s honestly not the end of the world. It seems like it is at the time for sure but I can assure you it’s not. Okay so you’ve let your feelings be known and this girl doesn’t feel the same. You’ve told her that you’d still like to be friends. Let’s be honest here, you wouldn’t like that as it would be torture for you, hanging around daily with someone that you like and they see you as a friend really isn’t a good idea. Your feelings will never subside and eventually the friendship will fade anyway when she sees that you can’t drop your feelings.You need to distance yourself from her. It’s not what you want to hear but it’s what needs to happen. You need time to work through the rejection and to take it all in. We all face it at some point in our life, we can’t have everyone that we want and you need to face it. You can’t just roll up in a ball and stick your bottom lip out feeling sorry for yourself, you need to accept it and own the situation. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and should never be expected to. Take the rejection like a man and move past it, the way I saw them in life was as as a confidence booster if anything, that I had the balls to ask out someone that I liked, although I didn’t get the answer I wanted I stepped out of my comfort zone. The more times that you face it the more you get used to it and the less it phases you, thus building your confidence to ask girls out in the first place.Believe me, there are billions of girls on this planet, each and every one of them are replaceable as harsh as it sounds, don’t get too tied up on each one. Just accept that she’s not interested and move on, don’t hold any pity parties as it really won’t do you any favours.Get your chin up, be proud that you made the leap and prepare for many more, you’re a very young man and have plenty of years ahead of you, good luck.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2018):
OP, none of us has a crystal ball and can see the future.Tying all your hopes and dreams of a relationship up in a girl who has already rejected you, will NOT change the outcome.I get that you REALLY like her, and that she likes you (as a friend) but pretending to be friends (which you are, pretending that is) is NOT going to help you move forward. It is a CONSTANT reminder that here is the ONE girl you would WANT to date, who rejected you. It’s the equivalent of peeling the scab off so you can keep pouring salt in the wound. Not a good way to heal a hurt.Another thing with being 15 (trust me, we adults have ALL been there!) is the highs and lows of emotions. It’s either “flying high” or “depths of despair”. It comes with all the added hormones and a brain still developing, social skills being fine tuned, “new” discoveries. So when you say you LOVE her, and more “mature folks” say it’s infatuation, they most likely speak from actual experience of both LOVE and INFATUATION. However, that doesn’t mean your feeling doesn’t matter or aren’t a bit overwhelming for you. But the thing is, YOU loving HER doesn’t mean SHE will automatically LOVE you back. Ever.And it doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. Or un-lovable. Just that this ONE girl isn’t the ONE for you. LOVE goes both ways. It builds over time.You did something pretty brave by telling her how you felt. It didn’t go as planned, but that doesn’t make it any less brave. And another thing, IF you have the ability to find ONE girl who lives up to your “ideal” (for lack of a better word) then IN TIME you CAN find another. She didn’t make fun of you and your feelings, she didn’t run a mile, she seems like a decent girl. EVEN if she doesn’t FEEL the same as you. And she won’t be the ONLY girl to reject you in life. In time YOU might be the one rejecting a girl or two as well. REJECTION doesn’t FEEL good, but it IS part of the human experience. I don’t think I have EVER met anyone who hasn’t been rejected by someone they fancy, a job, a house they wanted to buy, a loan, or any other mundane things.We don’t always “get” what we want and life isn’t fair. THAT is reality. So what to do about it? ACCEPT it and keep going. Find the silver lining in life. One of yours is that you have EXCELLENT taste in girls. A skill that might help you when you DO find someone who likes you back.Being “far from attractive” is YOUR view of yourself. Maybe not the World’s. And for many (especially boys) the teen years are an awkward phase, physically and mentally.One of my middle daughter’s good friends was a short guy in 6th grade, then shot up tall and almost gangly guy at 15 when they entered high-school. After 2 years of Lacrosse and football he looks nothing like the guy who was short then tall and awkward. He is still the same guy, same sweet personality, less shy and more confident. Confidence takes work. And he does put in the work. And guess what? HE got rejected by the girl he asked to Winter formal. (not that he was trying to date her but he asked her out to a dance first). So yes, EVERYONE meets rejections in life. You are going to HAVE to learn to roll with the “punches”. Get back up and keep going.This was ONE girl, ONE time. LIFE goes on. You will meet MANY more girls, think about it, HALF the World’s populations is female.You have to accept that SHE isn’t into you the same way, you are into her. And that happens. Then you have to DECIDE does being “friends” HURT you or HELP you move on. Because being friends with her WILL NOT CHANGE how she feels in time.And you also have to decide ARE you really being a friend to her? If you are hoping she will change her mind the more time she spends with you? Which means YOU have a romantic ulterior motive to be around her. THAT isn’t friendship. Can you really handle HER wanting to date someone else and then having to be her friend having to hear her gush all about this guy?Keep working on your confidence. Have hobbies you enjoy, make friends and have a healthy social circle. Be good at talking to girls even if you ARE NOT interested (and I’m not saying flirt with them but CONVERSE, something your generation is sorely lacking). Be positive about life, find things you enjoy. YOUR happiness is YOUR job, your task. While you CAN share it with others, one or more and share in theirs, it IS your responsibility to find YOUR “brand” of happiness.Chin up.
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