I can’t tell right now if I’m unsure of my relationship. I know even questioning it is probably an indication. But people bet cold feet at weddings.. so could this jusy be cold feet as were getting older?
We’ve been together for a year but split up for 4 months. We then got back together and it’s been another 2 years. We both live at home with our parents and I’m currently looking to buy my first home, but the thought of doing it with him terrifies me it’s a huge step! But then I’m questionned by my dad saying we should be doing it together. I’ve doubts because he says he wants kids in the next few years. I don’t. Maybe one day but first I want to enjoy my life which he thinks is selfish and he thinks life is about having children and making a legacy. I enjoy travelling and he doesn’t. I’m so scared we are too different. I mean opposites do attract. I suffer with mental health and he has always been so supportive. But then I worry is this how I actually feel ? Or is my anxiety and depression making me numb?I keep thinking I want a love where you’re so unbelievably in love and it’s amazing. Bit then o think grow up you’re an adult that doesn’t happen. Relationships are hard any you have to make work after the honeymoon stage. It’s like at the moment I don’t even want to go to his house. I can’t tell if that’s cause I don’t want to see him or it’s just because I don’t want to be around his parents always at their house with no privacy.We have tiffs a lot. Modt of the time little but it’s constant.What do I do ? Is this normal?I don’t have many friends and I keep to myself so maybe this is all me and I’m the hard one to put up with. Do I throw away an entire relationship because I’m unsure eh4n it could all be me in my head?
View related questions: got back together, split up, wedding
|<– Rate this Question|
Reply to this Question
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 November 2018):
Let’s look at the “practical” stuff first.1. DO NOT (I will repeat) DO NOT buy a house with a BF. The last thing you need in case it doesn’t work out is trying to figure out how and what to do with the house. Who gets what, what is fair and what is reasonable.2. DO NOT (I will repeat) DO NOT buy a house you CAN NOT afford on your own. The MORTGAGE is YOURS ALONE. Now he can help with utilities, food etc. BUT if YOU buy a house YOU need to be financially responsible and ABLE to prove that YOU paid for the house.3. Opposites DO attract but they don’t always work out, people CAN be just too different.4. YOU two haven’t lived together so there will be a LOT of rough weather ahead just adjusting to each other’s habits, housekeeping, financial responsibility, orderliness, cooking, chores, rules, sharing, ability to compromise etc. For some moving in together is easy but for most, there is a period of adjustments, which again… for some just doesn’t happen.Now that was just some of the more “basic” general advice I have.For you (two) specifically. 1. If you like to travel, WHY are you wanting to buy a house already? Because I can tell you this… When I at 24 bought my first place I really did not have much money for anything extravagant. The first holiday I had since buying the house, my parents actually paid for. It took me another 3 years to save up for my next one. And then I met my husband, and things changed again. I ended up selling the house shortly after having paid it off.2. The tiffs you to OFTEN have what is it about? You say it’s little things, but are you really sure they are not something constant? The same little things?3. you say :”I keep thinking I want a love where you’re so unbelievably in love and it’s amazing.” No one has that 24/7/365. There are shitty days, amazing days, blah days, bad days, etc. You DON’T get those amazing days without the shitty one. Seriously. So maybe your expectations are a little… unrealistic in that department.4. Not wanting to spend time with him, well that can be two-fold. One you want to isolate yourself a bit due to the depression (which is kind of normal for folks to do) and secondly, you might just not enjoy his company as much as you WISHED you did/WANT to. That is something that can be harder to pin-point.5. You two broke up once already. So there were issues SERIOUSLY enough to break you up, are some of those still lingering? Issues with trust for instance? 6. “Relationships are hard any you have to make work after the honeymoon stage.” No, they don’t HAVE to be hard. Yes, a GARDEN you water and take care of will keep growing and the same goes for relationships. But they shouldn’t be HARD. I have been married for over 20 years now and sure there are they were things are NOT as “easy” as I would like, but in general it’s not THAT hard. Maybe because we know each other so well on just about every level, that we both anticipate, compromise, trust and respect each other to WANT to make things run “smoothly”.7. Getting “cold feet” about moving in together, I think is sort of normal. It means you actually THINK things through and not just jump into them with “a wing and prayer”. I think sitting down with him at some point and talk about the practical stuff are in order. Like making a budget, setting some house rules, chore list.BUT it might also be that you just really ARE NOT ready to live with him.NONE of us walks in your shoes, so it’s kind of impossible to guess if your relationship is dying or you just have doubts. Moving in together is a HUGE step.I’d say keep saving up and think about what you REALLY want. That includes him. If he thinks you should have kids now and you don’t… well, that is a deal breaker for BOTH of you. Enjoying your YOUTH, TRAVELLING is an OK dream, but unless you both SHARE that… HOW do you move forward TOGETHER?
|<– Rate this answer|