Hi all – any advice or thoughts on the following would be much appreciated as I’m at a total loss, something very uncommon for me.
A series of events happened in my life that caused me to relocate to a brand new city without knowing anyone. I’m building a house and it turns out that I have a huge crush on my builder. Three weeks of texting and occasional phone calls, I find out he feels the same. However, something in my gut felt off about him. He is 6 years older than me and I’m very attracted to him on multiple levels – he goes the extra mile for me, he’s smart, funny, handsome and just overall attractive.One night on a call, I told him I’m worried there’s something he’s hiding and I’m not ok with him being married or having kids. Long pause – he has both. They are technically separated but it won’t become official for another 4-6 months. I’m less worried about the wife and divorce and much more worried he has 2 children, ages 2 and 3.I was floored when he admitted that. During one of our text conversations, I said something along the lines of expecting him to have a double life with a wife and kids. He responded “yeah, 12 kids and 3 wives, thought you’d be ok in being the fourth”. So to find out he chose to make a joke of it really hurts. He said he wanted it to be an in person conversation because he felt it was too much to share over text.Normally I would kick this guy to the curb and never think of him again. But there’s something about him that makes me enjoy being with him and he tries so hard to make me happy.I’m 27 and never once considered being with someone who is in the processs of getting divorced or having kids. On our first real date together, he admitted it might not be a fair question but wanted to know how I felt about moving forward with him. I told him I honestly didn’t know. I feel sick when I see her name pop up on his phone and I never expected to like someone who had kids already.My biggest concern is I’m old news. What is new and exciting about getting down on one knee or watching a woman walk down the aisle or being in the hospital room when she’s giving birth when you’ve had all of that before? I’ve dated a ton of guys and have never had the same connection with anyone as I have with him. That’s what makes the decision so tough.I really need guidance and I have no one to turn to. I appreciate anyone reading this far.
View related questions: crush, divorce, text
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A male reader, CMMP + ♥, writes (24 March 2019):
What you really need to do is find out if he’s still living with her. If seperated means “we live together but don’t get along”, that is just cheating.But if he lives in his own place it’s not uncommon for people to remain married for years after their relationship is over.I would get more details. Another risk is that he still loves her and they’re going through a rough patch. Find out the truth(s) and don’t feel like you need to move too fast if you decide to continue seeing him. Taking things slow would be wise here
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 March 2019):
I think you need to pull WAY WAY back here. NO dating etc. UNTIL his divorce is final and the “dust” have settled with the divorce and sharing of custody.It will give him time to have worked through the divorce and you time to decide If you can DATE a guy who has “been there, done that” already. OR not.One thing you DO have to realize is that, If you do in 6-8 months time STILL want to date him, HE will ALWAYS be a father first, and have to deal/interact with the ex-wife.Do you know why they are divorcing?To be frank, from what you write – I’d say he was hoping for a “little fling with you” nothing serious. The fact that he didn’t mention the WIFE (she is STILL his wife) and the kids until you pressed and then he did so as a joke… it’s a little dismissive.He Is on the rebound and that might not bode well for you.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (24 March 2019):
You had to pull the information about his wife and kids out of him. Establishing your marital-status is at the top of the list; if you are pursuing someone romantically. That’s not an “oh…by the way” type of discussion. Before any flirtations were exchanged, that should have been the first question. The ideal and most honest situation is that he would have volunteered that information without being asked.If a man dismisses the question or makes a joke of it; you should be very concerned. It’s not funny, nor is it something to kid around about! He made sure you were getting attached first, then came clean. In my book, that move was manipulative. Your gut was telling you so. There is little more to say than to tell you to proceed with caution. He’s still married, and he’s leaving his wife with two toddlers.When a woman is falling for a guy, she listens to her heart more than what other people may tell her. So I advise you to guard your heart. Expect many bumps along the road; until his divorce, child-custody, and visitation issues are completely resolved. Feelings fluctuate and emotions run high. His wife will still have to deal with becoming a single-mother, the finalization of her marriage; and then accepting a new woman in his life. That takes time.Baby-mama drama is for certain, unless you know it is an amicable divorce. You also know, having two very small children will take a lot of his time and attention away from you. His soon to be ex-wife will abruptly interrupt your time together; when the kids are sick, or want to see him.They are co-parenting; so she will always be in the picture.The children are very small; so he has to maintain a very close bond with them. They don’t understand anything yet.Try not to be too starry-eyed. Stay level-headed. There will be some emotional and legal hurdles to get-over before he’s home-free.
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 March 2019):
All I can say is that life seldom pans out EXACTLY as we envisage. If you put it out there that you will NEVER fall for someone who is/has XYZ, you can almost guarantee the universe will challenge that and show you that life is not that black and white.IF you are going to move forward with this relationship, you need to do it VERY SLOWLY and VERY CAREFULLY. Also you need to get over the “I will not be the first” attitude. This guy’s wife had the “firsts” with him but it still didn’t work out in the long run. Often second time around is better because you are older and wiser and appreciate things more. It may he his second time at stuff but it will still be his FIRST time with YOU. If you cannot get past that, then I would say you need to walk away and give up on this man as your insecurity will eventually kill the relationship. His ex will ALWAYS be part of his life because they will always be parents to the same two children. Whenever anything major happens, he will need to be there. It is to be hoped he will be a hands-on father, which will involve spending as much time as he can with the kids. If you are insecure about this, then, again, you need to let this man go. He comes as a package. He would not be much of a man if he did not put his children at the top of his priority list. (I would not be too concerned about him wanting to tell you about his kids in person rather than by text; that just sounds sensible, given the important of the information which was to be shared.)If you are wanting children of your own, you also need to find out if he wants more children. Here’s a suggestion. How about you hold off dating until his divorce has been finalised? This will give you time to think things through, get to know him better as a person (contact ok but no dating). Another 6 months down the line, things may look very different again. You have the rest of your lives. Don’t rush things. Good luck.
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