I started seeing a guy a month ago. He’s 12 months separated from his wife with two young children. Our relationship seemed really promising but then he went a bit cold. He says his ex wife is being really challenging. She calls him up out of the blue and tells him he has to look after the kids. Basically she’s calling all of the shots- she says jump and he says how high. He loves the children to bits and is a devoted dad but the whole situation is very unsettled.
Now he has told me that he’s not in a position to date anyone because of all of the above.I’m not sure what to make of it. Is he fobbing me off? If it’s true I’m sympathetic as I know these situations can be tricky.We had a really good thing between us and I’m a bit confused how it can all change overnight.I questioned him about it and asked him t see it from my side and he seemed quite apologetic. Am I just being distrusting? I’ve been messed around in a previous relationship so I’m on edge about being lied to and treated poorly.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 September 2018):
I agree with YouWish And Cindy.a. the guy IS still married. And WILL still be married until the divorce is final.b. the wife is STILL calling the shots over his life – BECAUSE they have kids together!You have ONLY been seeing him for a months and you are NOT happy with how things are going, SO STOP wasting your time on a guy who isn’t OVER splitting from his family!There is WAY too much baggage with this guy for you two to have a healthy relationship.DATE SINGLE men, not married ones. I’d end it and move on.
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A female reader, YouWish + ♥, writes (20 September 2018):
Not to put it delicately, but you picked the wrong guy.HE IS STILL MARRIED! His baggage is overwhelming, and being separated still means that he is married. Being separated is a state in the marriage designed to work things out while giving some space in order to “cool down” the strife level. Being separated isn’t a good situation to date others in.This guy is still hung up on his wife. She is NOT his EX-WIFE unless he has a FINALIZED DIVORCE. Otherwise, there’s nothing “EX” about her.If you are looking for someone emotionally and physically available for a relationship, you cannot choose married men, and “separated” is still married. He has a wife whose demands rate much higher than yours.You should correct the situation by dumping him and looking for a SINGLE man. There are tons of good available single men out there without this sort of baggage.
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A female reader, CindyCares + ♥, writes (20 September 2018):
If you are going to be treated poorly, that will be with your approval and consent, because he told you loud and clear how it’s gonna be : he is not in position to date . He won’t give you what you ‘d want from him.Maybe he is not lying per se ; it’s quite possible that his life is in great turmoil and leaves no space for romance ( of course, it’s also possible that’s he is laying it on a bit thick ). Anyway, I guess you are more invested than him in this ” relationship “, but he is telling you that he won’t make any special effort to make room for you into his life. He won’t stand up to his ex wife, he won’t insist on a set schedule, he won’t try to make more time for you by cutting on other personal pursuits, etc. etc. He , rather naturally alas, sees things from his own side, – which is the side that matters to him. He may also be able to see things from your side, but he does not necessarily cares about it.I don’t think it is too accurate to say that he ” changed overnight ” . You could accuse him of that if you had been dating regularly , and getting on like a house on fire, since the last 12 months or so. But… one month ?? and with him so busy with his kids ( and hopefully he’s got a job too ) , how many dates have you gone on IRL ? Maybe three ? Five ?… He must have said at first , hey what the heck, let’s give it a try. Then pretty soon he found it too” complicated ” to carry on, and he is pulling back. Trial and error.I think he basically told you : I’d just be available for something super-casual, take it or leave it. In your shoes , I’d leave it.
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