I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We moved in together after 6 months of being together and we’re generally quite happy (we’ve “broken up” twice but each time lasted for about an hour each!)
Anyway, I feel like recently my life is becoming a bit predestined. Like, we’re saving to move to his country, buy a house, then have children and that’s that with not much room for anything else. And I’m not sure if it’s normal to have these concerns or feeling a bit unsettled.I may also add, this is similar to what I am like as a person. I have jumped several times in the last 5 years or so from different careers and I’m STILL unsure what I’m doing with my life (which really annoys me but I simply can’t help it). I’ve been in my current career for almost two years, but I’m looking to move into a completely new field an retrain.Back to the relationship, is this normal to have these feelings after being together for so long? It’s not about him as I love and adore him and he treats me amazingly and has done no wrong.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (22 March 2019):
To make better sense of how your relationship is structured; I hope you will answer a few questions. I have a lot of trepidation and concern about young women relocating and being transplanted to a new country, or into a new culture; and being isolated from their own families and familiar cultures.Are you fully acquainted with his culture, and know your way around his country well enough that you could survive there on your own? If you’ve broken-up before, are you prepared for the possibility you could uproot yourself; and again find yourself separated…without a job, a home, or this man?You say you have jumped from career to career? What kind of degree do you have? What are you professionally qualified to do? What type of professional-credentials do you have?If you haven’t made up your mind what you will do for a living in the UK, how will you survive in another country? Do they speak a different language where he’s from? Are you bi-lingual or multi-lingual? If you resettle in another country, do you have substantial savings to survive on? Enough to return, if your first year doesn’t yield you employment? How is the economy in his country? What is the political climate like in his country? Is it as good as the UK, or better? Is he by chance an American?You will also have to undergo immigration requirements for your new citizenship. You will not be his wife; so how will you qualify for a mortgage or credit when you’re not a native-born citizen of his country? He doesn’t plan to marry you? So you’re going to have babies and co-signed debt with a man who doesn’t want to give you the option of taking his name, and established citizenship as his wife? What if he decides you’re taking too long to find a job? What if you find yourself a single-mother alone in his country? What makes you think their laws will be on your side, if you want to remove your children from his country to return to the UK?Are your parents and family for this, or against it? Why do you have to move to his country? Why won’t he live in the UK with you?When you said you’ve had several careers, I would assume you mean jobs or changes in your field of employment? You’re between 22-25, you haven’t been out of college or university that long? I am assuming you completed college after high school, passed your exams, and finished university with your full-degree? Is your degree recognized and transferable to his country? In the US, many foreign degrees and certificates of education are not accepted by American higher education institutions; and foreign-students have to actually retake many of their courses for accreditation.I’m not trying to scare you, just making sure you cover all your bases. Since you’re the one leaving your country.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2019):
Why do you feel unsettled?I think because you are still finding out WHO you are and WHAT you want to do with your life.You say you two have PLANNED to move to his country and have kids. It’s a nice fantasy. But if we look at the REALITY here;have you been to his country enough times to know if you can work there?DO you speak HIS language?Would you feel at home there? Would you want to raise your kids AWAY from your country and YOUR family?Would you really WANT to be in that country with NOT support-net? While his family might help you two out… HE is family to them, YOU are not.Can you further your career in that country? Or get schooling to change career in case you find you WANT to try something else?What would happen if you were over “there” and you two broke up again? Can you get home? What if you had kids? There are a LOT to think of, so it’s NOT strange that you feel a little unsettled. I think it’s normal. And I think you are right when you say, THIS isn’t about him. It is about you.While you might LIKE “the plan” and love him, YOU are just not sure that is what you want, RIGHT now. I would advice that you two DO NOT have kids or move UNTIL you are BOTH ready for that. And … I’d suggest no kids or buying a house without being married.It’s OK to not know what you want. Your 20’s is the time were you DO kind of try things out and might find your path.
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