I have been seeing my boyfriend for five months now. When we first got togther he mentioned he knew one of my friends and almost dated her. Ill call her S. Then after hanging out with him and another friend of mine ill call P, im told he was really obsessed with S to the point it freaked her out and she cut all ties with him.
Over the last five months I’ve slowly heard things like he ordered a crap ton of pizza because she delivered and he wanted to meet her, and he ended up partying with her and on a drunken night slept with her, which he says didn’t actually happen because he was too drunk but i dunno. He makes comments that imply he still likes her a lot, that or he’s trying to get a reaction out of me. She’s a gorgeous girl, lots of guys are immediately attracted to her. I asked him what color i should dye my hair casually, and he suggested blond. I didn’t really think much of it, but then anther time he mentioned he really liked hazel eyes. And on another occasion, pulled up a tattoo online identical to her shoulder tattoo and said he always liked those kind. She died her hair blue two weeks ago and today he spontaneously died his a lighter blue color. I’m brunette with blue eyes, shes blond with hazel. He referred to her as ditzy one day and the next days said he likes me moreso when im acting ditzy. I asked him how he felt about her and he immediately starting insulting her, and i brought it up again today after he died his hair blue and he called me jealous of her. I love the girl, but i feel like i don’t even want to see her ever again and it upsets me that im losing a friend over this. She’s in love with the guy she’s seeing and not a threat but i feel not only settled for, but somewhat like he’s being a jerk with his subtle blows. I’m not really sure how to think about things. Aside from breaking up, what’s the next best approach for dealing with this feeling. Is it wrong that i feel he’s totally describing her when he volunteers his opinion on whats his type?
View related questions: drunk, jealous, tattoo
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (23 September 2018):
Firstly and most importantly, if this girl is a real friend, do NOT dump her over some bloke you have been dating for a few months, who makes you feel insecure. SHE has done NOTHING wrong. In fact, she cut all ties with your boyfriend because he “freaked her out”. Secondly, do you not see ANY red flags in his past and present behaviour? If not, you are either desperate to stay in a relationship with him or you are selectively blind. His behaviour towards this girl sounds like stalking. For someone who is used to getting attention to get “freaked out” by his behaviour had to be serious. Thirdly, stop setting him up to fail and yourself up to be upset. Asking him what colour you should dye your hair, then being upset because he says the same colour as this girl has, is just masochistic behaviour. Lastly, you feel (and probably ARE) “settled for”. This feeling is not going to go away. You are going to drive yourself crazy. You have no control over this guy’s obsession with this girl but you do have control over how long you allow yourself to be treated in this way and how long you allow him to make you feel inferior and second best. Is this all you think you deserve? If so, then perhaps that is where you start to address all this.
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