Firstly just for some context I was in a on and off relationship for 10 years with the sweetest best friend of a boyfriend who was my high school sweetheart but his lack of ambition and lazy attitude I couldn’t take anymore. We are still close friends but after trying over years it just didn’t work out.I mention this as 2 years ago I met James. He was the the risk i took leaving everything with the high school sweetheart for him. He is ambitious, handsome, kind caring and the sex well…!!!!He was my boss…12 years older than me. We started dating when i got promoted by another manager and i moved in with him 9 months later. Unfortunately we have gone through pretty tough times…his mother died 3 months into the relationship (he was 39), then he broke his leg in a football game 2 months after than with a very painful slow recovery…then his dad died a month ago (10 months later).When he’s stressed, in pain or depressed he takes it out on me. I have ignored it for so long because it’s obviously horrible what hes been through. But he thinks everytime I cry I am being manipulative, or I play victim. He doesn’t like things I do and tells me off but does it himself…he gets jealous of Male friends. We can’t have fun since we met in terms of going out late at night because “his leg hurts so badly” yet he will rave, smoke, socialise with his friends till 3am. I love when we go out separately with our friends but it seems he can’t have fun with me or at least feels he can relax and be in pain around me….I dont know Hes moody all the time, obviously now because of his dad but ALL the time before that. He relaxes and is the most sweetest guy at night…after he smokes. He looses his temper fast and says mean things and will come ul to me saying sorry. When hes sick I have to be at his beg and call. When I am sick like today he wants sex, the house cleaned bla bla bla.Now I am telling you all this because when it is good. It is better than good. Dream guy. I love him so much. But recently I feel I don’t like him. I have tried talking to him but he isn’t the most open. I have had the perfect sweetheart relationship where it was the loveliest guy in the world but would never be able to be with as you need security too. James has the security, he is kind when hes not angry and can be fun sometimes. Chemistry is crazy too.I am always told there is no perfect guy. You need to compromise. Is the loveliest man who’d also the moodiest short tempered man normal? My mother thinks hes controlling…so does my best friend. But he has gone through so so much the last 18 months I keep blaming his bad attitude on that.How long do you give someone to see if its their personality or their grieving? I want to give it a chance. I am trying everything to be there for him. But after hearing all these mean things I am on antidepressants and feel a bit trapped. Hes still a colleague at work too so at the moment I am applying for jobs secretly (he talks me out of it when he knows)If anything I just needed to write something down. I’m fed up of loving someone I probably shouldn’t. I’m 28, a hopeless romantic and I just want someone to love and be happy with. Hes also having a mid life crisis wanting kids and for settle. He was pushy for me to move in…then last week he was saying we will need to decide if we want to carry on as he will need a baby soon…hes annoyed because I decided I wanted to finish my masters and travel for a few weeks before doing anything like that…which I have said from the beginning…is it him just grieving again?
View related questions: ambition, at work, best friend, depressed, jealous, moved in, my boss, smokes, trapped
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 March 2019):
He treats you badly, because YOU allow it. It’s that simple.You have made excuses for him (to yourself mostly) when he has been a total dick-wad to you. Oh, it must be grief or stress… But in reality, he is a DICK to you because THAT is who he is and what HE wants to do.The fact that the relationship seems to revolve around HIS terms and what He wants should tell you how it will continue. He is your boss at work, and at home. THAT is how he sees himself.And now HE wants kids so you BETTER let yourself be knocked up? “he will need a baby soon”… That is how you put it. So SCREW your dreams and goals for further education and travel? I’m sorry, this relationship is just SO uneven. He will NOT change how he sees you or the relationship. He is the superior, you the subordinate. You always will be, HE will make sure of that.A good partner brings the best out in you. They don’t treat you crappily that you NEED to go on antidepressants!Up the job search and don’t move in with him. If you think you can handle working with him and breaking up, then DO that. AND do NOT have kids with this one.Grief or not, he has NO right to treat you this way.
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A female reader, CindyCares + ♥, writes (20 March 2019):
No, it’s not the grief talking. He’s just a nasty piece of work. You say it yourself, he was always moody and controlling and self centered even before losing his father, and in between the negative episodes in his life- he just gets WORSE then usual when he has to deal with something bad . Personally , I don’t think that even the deepest grief can radically change your personality , change who you really are. Some behaviours may change temporarily, but not your essence. He is a selfish prick, he just hides it better when everything looks rosy.Example : My cousin lost his first wife to cancer after only 18 months of marriage. He is normally an outgoing sociable type , always up for some witty banter and a good laugh with friends- he is also a gentleman, kind and considerate in general , but particularly to those who are “weaker” than him in terms of age, health, money or status. In the aftermath of his wife’s death for a while he was not that sunny and sociable anymore, he was not much up for jokes and laughs and going out , drinking and dining as usual. BUT he still was kind and considerate . He did not take his bereavement as an excuse to treat like shit his secretary or his cleaning lady or his old , senile dad ( who could be quite irritating ).Everybody sooner or later has to deal with losses and illnesses , and while it is normal to be somewhat out of sorts when you get a shock, still grief is not a good excuse to treat routinely people around you with insensitivity and contempt. I think you need to listen to your mom and friends- and most of all that you need to speed up your partrner selection’s process by being more ” ruthless ” , so to speak, more ” what’s in it for me “.You already wasted a long time on a lovable but feckless slacker, waiting for him to turn into the kind of man that you need and that he clearly is not. Now you risk wasting more time in the name of ” romance ” , on someone who not only does not treat you right , but also has shown , time and again, that he only cares about himself and his own interest, and not a whit about what you want for yourself.You do need for once to put yourself first, at the very center of your life. You are the director and the ,ain character of the movie about your life, and yours is the responsibility ( and the thrill ) to make it a good movie. If supporting actors , or extras, thwart your efforts – they need to be removed from the set.
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (20 March 2019):
Why would he take it out on you though? His partner? Someone he supposedly loves. Was it your fault his parents died? Or that he broke his leg? I highly doubt it, so why are you his punching bag for it? These kinds of guys usually are charming, say whatever they like, insult people, get angry and fly off the handle and then sweet talk their way back into the good books.One rule for him and another for you by the sounds of things. Can you imagine walking on eggshells for another 5-10 years? Why should you have to deal with all the shit side of him whilst your friends think he’s a saint? Upsets you to the point of tears and the only response he can come up with is that you’re a manipulator? Maybe he has slipped into some kind of depression himself, but that is on HIM to fix, not you! You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help their self. I seen a few of these posts where people ask ‘Is the grief causing this?’ You said he was moody all the time before this anyway so it doesn’t sound like it. But even if it was, does being upset about something give you a free pass to act like a prick to the people you’re supposed to love? I don’t think anything does. Judging from your age group this guy is between 38-41? By the sounds of things I’d of put him in an 18-21 category. You’ve started taking anti depressants because of how he’s treating you? Does that sound like a healthy relationship? You’re actually letting your own mental health deteriorate so you can try to please someone who’s acting like a complete tosser.For your own sanity, find someone who knows how to treat you properly!
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