In July I met a girl at work, she had just moved to my very small hometown a few weeks before we met. She is 23 and has a 1 year daughter. We quickly became friends and I started crushing on her at the same time. She very quite but lots of fun once she is comfortable with you. The only issue is she is very on guard, she won’t talk about her past or anything. It’s almost like she is running from it. When I ask about her family she says she doesn’t have one. I’ve asked about her daughters father and she says she doesn’t want to talk about him. The only thing I really know about her I got from boss, he said that when he asked her how she ended up in our town (it’s seriously small and not on a place people move to) she said she just ended up here. She said she wanted to start over so she packed up and drove and when she was driving through our town she liked it.
We’ve been a few dates and I really like her but at the same time I don’t know how a relationship can grow if there are so many secrets. Last week she was really sick and called me, I went over and she was in bed crying, burning up and vomiting and couldn’t look after her daughter. When I mentioned that she should go to the doctor she freaked out and said she couldn’t. I stayed the afternoon, fed the baby and let her sleep. While she was sleeping I will admit I snooped around. I found a photo album in a cupboard that had pictures of her daughters birth, there was a man in all the pictures that I’m assuming is the dad. I don’t want to ask her but I don’t see how you can never talk about your past. Is this relationship even worth working towards if she is so secretive?
View related questions: at work, crush, girl at work, her past
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (4 December 2018):
She hardly knows anyone and just getting to know you. What you want to know is none of your business. All her boss needed to know is her work-history, educational background, she’s not an illegal migrant; and that she isn’t posted somewhere on Canada’s most-wanted list, or having pending warrants.He had no business discussing his employee’s personal background with you. When people want to disclose their background and personal-history; it is totally up to them. You went too far snooping around her house; and she had to call someone she vaguely knows to keep an eye on her kid. My advice is to be friendly, but distant; and let her divulge what she wants to, when she’s ready. This is precisely the reason I don’t condone dating between employees. Look where this is going! You’re going through her things!People trying to make a new start and leaving a hellish situation don’t need to start a new town a-buzzing with gossip and prejudging. She has to earn trust and know whom she’s dealing with. She’s at a total disadvantage.If you suspect she’s running from something; it would behoove you to use your common-sense, and mind your own business. You have no right to be sniffing around her home or asking questions of her boss. She may have escaped hell and the devil running it. Now she’s starting out with a man who’s going through her belongings when she’s sick and vulnerable; not giving her the chance to decide when she can trust him enough to share more personal-information and her past.She called you for help, but didn’t use common-sense about being vulnerable; or leaving her child at the mercy of a stranger. That’s an act of someone desperate, somewhat naive, and she could possibly be running from her past. Don’t get too involved. Think with your head, not your penis. You shouldn’t even be dating co-workers anyway. As for your boss. He’s lucky he isn’t one of my managers; or he’d be canned. Two men discussing a female employee’s personal-life. She better move to another town, and find another job. I have a feeling she’s going to end-up doing just that!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2018):
Don’t pursue a relationship. Stick to being friends. she isn’t ready for it, isn’t ready to share or open up.She doesn’t OWE you details of her past. NOT an iota.And don’t snoop. That is pretty low.I GET that you are curious, I get that you like her. But you need to 1. have some FREAKING respect for her privacy and 2. have some FREAKING common sense and realize that she is in NOT shape to be dating.
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (4 December 2018):
You already know the answer, you just want it to be different. It’s one thing for her to avoid discussing her sexual/relationship history, that’s none of your business. It’s quite another for her to avoid discussing her family and how she arrived at the town, that’s normally pretty mundane stuff. It’s also suspucious how she freaked out at the thought of going to the doctor and her stating how she just wants to start over again. That implies that she’s running from something that scares her and she doesn’t trust anyone. What she’s running from could be a serious issue, or it could all be in her mind. If it’s a serious issue, then it might cause trouble for you. If it’s all in her mind, then she’s broken and it’s not smart to bring broken people into your life. Either way, IMO, it’s best not to involve yourself until she’s a little more forthcoming with basic, mundane information about her family history, how she got to that town, and what she means by just wanting to start over.
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