Hi I’m sorry if this is long.
I’ve been with my new bf for 4 months. Everything was perfect. He told me he loves me from the bottom of his heart he went on holiday for two weeks and we spoke lots on the phone and video called each other. When he came back home we had an amazing night together but we always do. My problem now is he has family visiting for two weeks, and his been pulling away from me. Less phone calls or very quick calls. He sounds like he doesn’t want to talk or is bored. He looks at my messages but takes ages to reply and sometimes don’t reply at all. It just don’t make sense! I do stay over his often, and will be staying this weekend, but I’m concidering not going to see if he would actually care if I did or not. Like tonight I finished work and normally we would talk as I’m on my way home but he never called. So I called him and he sounded sleepy, it was really quite but he told me all the family were there tonight and was going to be sort of a party going on. So I asked him “ did I wake you “ he said yeah. I said it’s very quite there I thought everyone was over. I could hear one of the family members in the background. But he just made me feel really off. I got a sinking feeling like he don’t want to be with me anymore. We are supposed to be going on holiday together in January, to meet the rest of his family, and he met my kids for the first time yesterday it went really well. One of his kids don’t want to meet me as his only 12 and not ready but that’s ok. I’m not wanting to upset him or come between them, so for that reason I couldn’t go to his tonight. I could ask him outright tomorrow when alone but I don’t want to sound desperate or clingy. However he was the one that said I complete him, that we are almost perfect , but when we are apart it’s like out of sight out of mind. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I do him. Thanks in advance for any advice.
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A female reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (13 October 2018):
Your love language could be different. For him, saying romantic things mean that your relationship is promising and he really likes you. It doesn’t mean he will keep on phoning and texting you when he’s trying to catch on sleep. Especially if he just got back from the trip and now it’s his turn to take care of his kids. In addition to that he has family coming over. I guess men and women have different brains and I feel it can be quite unfair to women. Men have priorities like other things to do, whatever that is. For women, we think, what can be more important than nurturing a relationship? Men can switch on and off and detach like it’s nothing. For women, our love is constant. If not, there’s something wrong. If you express to him how you feel, he would want to know what he can do. Basically, nothing because only time would tell if you two can work out long term. You have another hurdle to cross over, which is his children. The only thing you can do is to know your value and not be so easily swayed by what he does or not do. Talking about family and having a together means that he is serious, not someone who just comes on too strong too early.
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018):
To be honest, I’m not sure either. This SOUNDS good on the face of it. Only YOU know how it feels when you are both together. But, if you are feeling uncertain this early on . . . I don’t want to put horrid thoughts into your head, but how do you know that it was a family member who was there. Why was he asleep if his family are around? As I said, it SOUNDS good, but if it doesn’t feel it? Our gut instinct is there for a reason. He has said some nice things, but he has said them very early on. AND they are quite extreme things for a man to say UNLESS he has fallen head over heels in love with you. If he’s so in love though, it doesn’t make any sense that he sometimes doesn’t reply to your messages. Or takes a long time to do so. Is he a bit of a player maybe?The confusing thing is that you have met each other’s children and have a holiday planned together. That does sound as if he is committed to a degree. I don’t see anything wrong in you having paid towards a deposit on the holiday though. It gives women a bad name if the man is the only one to fork out. I’m confused too, it doesn’t really make any sense. I would resist asking any questions that make you sound needy. Questions only get you so far anyway. He can SAY anything. His ACTIONS are the clues to his feelings…so…be a bit more unavailable and don’t message him unless he messages you. If HE gets in touch and shows an interest, then you have SOME idea. If you start to get this kind of half hearted, hot/cold behaviour again though, then I think you have to decide whether this is making you happy or not. You can’t change his behaviour and you won’t necessarily get anywhere with questions. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but if it isn’t going the way you want it to, you can’t change that by trying to change him, so it comes down to you. Whether you stay or not. I hope it all works out for you though, if what he has said to you is true, then you’ll both work it out. Don’t ask questions, try to get some actions out of him to see how he feels. It’s the only way. Good luck.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2018):
I would dial it back, OPPUT in as MUCH effort as he does. See if he picks up the slack. Which means I would find a suitable excuse for not coming over for the weekend. Catch up on stuff you need done.As for his kids not wanting to meet you, well 4 months might just be too soon (IMHO I think 12 months is about right for kids under 18). Maybe they don’t want to meet you because they have met other GF’s of your dads and it didn’t work out and they are just tired of getting to know a new person who might not stick it out with their dad or he might not stick it out with.I hope you haven’t paid anything towards that holiday in January yet. I would give him a month to pick of the slack and put in some more effort.While I DO get when you have family over for a visit… THEY are the priority.It’s ONLY been 4 months… reign it in a bit.
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