I’ve posted a while back about how to move on from my ex etc but wanting a bit advice on an update really. Long story short, me and my partner split up about 4/5 months ago now. We lived together for the majority of our relationship. Moving in so quick made us very dependent on each other and we didn’t really have much of a life of our own which really detiriorated our relationship. I had some rust issues whilst I was with him. Nothing to do with him. It was on my end and just my insecurities. He wanted me to change and I tried but I just didn’t really know how as much as I wanted to. Eventually, he gave me an ultimatum and said I either change today or that’s it. And I didn’t think that was really fair. So I said I couldn’t do that without support and eventually we broke it off. My trust issues come from an abusive childhood and I think mine and my ex’s values didn’t match up which made me a bit paranoid. It ended badly and it didn’t have to. He had so much anger on his part and I desperately wanted some closure and he was just aggressive towards me. I think there was so much built up frustration on his end he just blew up. Because he never gave me any reason not to trust him. Ever. I ended up moving out, made a life for myself, got counselling every week (which has helped beyond words, I just wish I’d done it years ago) where now I know how important it is to put boundaries up for myself, care about myself more and now I know my parents alcohol addiction was nothing to do with me. I feel better in myself and stronger. I never knew any of this before. The other day, I asked my ex for a few of my things back I’d left in his house. He was extremely blunt with me and it made me disappointed. I’ve recently just got a promotion and instead of celebrating, that night I cried because I missed him and wanted to celebrate with him. At that moment I realised i had to move on for myself and if he didn’t want to give me closure that I needed, I was going to make it for myself. I’ve not thought of anyone else since we broke up. I miss him terribly and I could never go back to how our relationship was. I’ve found it very hard to move on 100% without closure. So I messaged him everything I needed to say the other day and it’s like a weight was lifted completely. Before that, I thought he despised me. I thought that he’d moved on and not given me a seconds thought and it was really hard to cope with. I didn’t rely on a text back, I kept it nice but also wanted to make sure he knew that the way he cut me off and his aggression really wasn’t needed. And that’s all my aim was which I made sure he knew. So I got a reply which to my surprise wasn’t bad. It was actually reflective and he said he still thinks about me and cares. It’s hard because I know he’ll never really believe me but now I have moved out of his house,I feel happier in myself with or without a partner, not dependent at all. I feel like I am in a much better position than I ever have been to trust someone and be in a healthy relationship. Part of me thinks I should move on eventually and meet someone else. Another part of me thinks I should try and sort things out with my ex if it’s still possible at all. I would still stay in my own house and have my independence because I think that’s what broke us down a lot. But I wouldn’t know how to really even approach it. It seems any communication is hanging by a thread as it is, I just really hope I didn’t miss out on someone who I loved so much because of my insecurities which I’m not only continuously working on but feel like they’re improved.My ex was wrong to end things so badly. But I see it on both sides. He was sick of being blamed for everything and felt trapped and just needed it over. I had a lot going on and didn’t need someone I loved telling me ‘my closure is you fucking off’ I think he was hurt and he still loved me. It must have been hard ending it with me because I refused to just trust him. He was really offended in the end. But then again I think if you truly love someone you’ll work on things to sort it out. I don’t know. Honestly, our relationship had its flaws but I think it came from moving in too soon and being so codependent. When it was goof, we were absolutely best friends and looking back I know he’d never ever cheat on me. Do you think it sounds like I’m best to move on and just accept what’s happened or try and patch things up?
View related questions: best friend, broke up, move on, moved out, my ex, split up, text, trapped
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A female reader, Toopoortoaffordadoctorlol +, writes (18 September 2018):
Hey love, first id like to say congratulations on your new beginning and journey to find yourself. You guys have been broken up for almost half a year. I salute you for not creating a toxic cycle already by jumping back together right away. You already have had wonderful changes. You are independent and self aware now. You’ve fixed what broke your relationship so i understand you feel now is okay to try again. It is wonderful to get your closure and nicer, mature words because im sure he was just hurt the first time. Ive gotta be honest though, your heart is already halfway out. The pain is already a little easier to deal with. You realize you risk losing everything you’ve learned and could make it worse? I only want you to see what the worse could be first since i know you have “fix it” on the brain. A few months is a long time already, why not make it a year? Give you AND him enough time to know what you want, not just what you miss. Realize what y’all had and see if you find someone more fit for you. You felt lonely and it triggered this. Dont do it cause you’re lonely either, you know when you’re ready.
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A male reader, N91 + ♥, writes (18 September 2018):
Congratulations on making progress and actually going ahead with councilling. I think a lot of people on this website will be advised to go down that route and just disregard it as nonsense and keep going around in the same circles, so it’s good to hear you’re getting on well.In regards to your ex, let it go. Breakups hurt, they’re tough periods to go through and it usually gets a lot worse before it gets better. Something to note about relationships whether they work out or not are experiences that help you to learn things about yourself, where your strengths and weaknesses lie and what areas you could possibly be going wrong in.Your relationship broke down because of your trust issues, you’ve then gotten help for those problems and feel like you’ve moved forward. Your relationship showed something you needed to change and since it ended you have done so. You’ve improved yourself because of a situation that didn’t work. That’s a big positive, you can now move forwards into your next relationship and you know what behaviours to look out for so you can nip any problems in the bud as soon as you notice them. You sent the message that you needed to, you got your response and closure so you can move on now. Exes are that way for a reason, things didn’t work out and to revisit it for a second Time probably wouldn’t go any better. The reason for the first break up is always lingering and it’s possible things could slip back to the old ways. Then you’re heading into an on/off relationship where things just aren’t working and there’s nothing but heartache.Keep working on yourself and take what you’ve learned into your next relationship. Don’t dwell on the past, you got everything off your chest so it’s now time to move on.Good luck
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2018):
I think you REALLY need to leave him to move on so you can move on too.There is no going back. It’s just not going to happen.Just because he replied in a nice manner doesn’t mean me wants you back, it means he read your message, understood it and decided to be MATURE about it.And while he worded it like a complete dick-wad… He was actually right, “YOUR closure is you fucking off”. You don’t NEED him to “GIVE” you some kind of magical closure. That is not realistic.YOU know what YOU did wrong – you know what HE did wrong and thus you KNOW why the relationship failed and ended.IT was for the best. Why do I presume that? Because YOU got help with your issues, and you are working on them.Getting back with him (regardless of where you live) is only going to set YOU back, and him having issues with TRUSTING you to really have changed.You still keep him in your life and it’s going to hold you back. While it would have been nice for him to be civil when you asked for stuff back, you also waited THIS long to get it back… sorry, he didn’t OWE you to be civil or happy to hear from you. Especially IF he is trying to move on with his life.I think you VERY much need to move on and leave him to move on as well.It’s GREAT that you have worked on yourself and hopefully THAT will help you in your next relationship. There is NOT need to go dig in the past relationship and try and revive it. It’s just not going to magically fix all the past stuff between you two. You both remember what happened, and either one of your or both of you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop…Keep working on yourself. Work your independence, any hopes, goals and dreams.
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