|A female age 22-25, anonymous writes: I am really overwhelmed by a situation going on in my personal life with my partner. I am a mom of two, we live together, we have a one year old, I have a daughter and we live in an appartment inside his mom and step dad’s house who are not married. His dad has never been in the picture. His mom one day acts like she hates us and other times is neutral but she definitely doesn’t want me. His dad doesn’t consider him his child and he tried to touch me many times. Inside the appartment we share it with his mother’s step sister. She is 65 and is a disgusting person. Like,no values at all. She talks nasty stuff, she doesn’t respect us and she is a bully, she always makes fun of me, once she grabbed my hair and I fought her back and she jumped on me and they had to get her off of me because she is really big and was suffocating me. Basically everyone in the house is toxic. I deal with depression and I have my character too, when people try to mess me up I get really upset. I cry a lot and they say I play the victim but this is my life and it is like it is.I struggle with depression since I was a child because my mom and dad had a bad situation, didn’t get along, had financial difficulties. I used to go to therapy but these two woman (bf’s mom and aunt) want to control and criticize everything I do, so the rules is I can’t go out of the house (only to study) but they despise that I study. (They don’t know what work or a career is) I struggle with keeping up with the house work and they give me a lot of shit for it, but then his mom has maids that do all for her so she thinks it is easy like that, of course. Then they say I am a bad mother but they totally make that up. They are so toxic and jealous, I can’t even describe it. They say mean stuff like “Jesus don’t let this baby die in your hands” just when he falls when he is running around. But I am a good mom and I do all for my kids. The thing is that they put pressure on him all the time “why doesn’t she do this and why don’t you make her do that” they get angry that he helps me because it is a household where the man is the king and the woman must serve the king because he “provides”. It is so primitive like that. But my boyfriend doesn’t provide it is his step dad. So He helps me but now he is starting to turn and try to make me feel bad for him helping me. He quit work and he quit college three times, because of his moody attitude. Now he suddenly feels entitled to say that he does more houseworkthan me, because I am busy. He became somehow envious that I am halfway of my career and he care for the kids and now he wants to turn things around.. I get so upset because he screams at me and he has hit me. Whenever we argue they get so happy and they intervene for the worst, they want us to end things so they take the baby. Even if he hits me they support him. It is so messed up. He tried to hit me once again and his aunt came running to see what was it all about then she decided to support him and say that I provoke that because I am not a “woman”, I don’t serve him “like a woman should”. I told her that he gets angry because he has an addiction problem. Next thing you know, he gets into college to prove his family that he is not an addict which he is. His aunt was supposed to care for the baby and that is why he got into the studying program. He entered and she inmediatly said that she can’t because it is my job. Now I am left alone, with the kids and I can’t study because there is no one to care for them and I have to quit my carreer which is halfway. All the sacrifice so far for nothing. His mom and his aunt are so happy now because they always were against me studying. They say that as a housewife I can’t study and I can’t work, forever! they know that this is the way that I will end up just like them, uneducated with nowhere to go and dependent on the creepy old man. Now I told him that I am breaking up with him because I need to protect myself and I can’t take it anymore. He is angry, saying stuff like “ I hope life will make you pay for leaving me and you will have it hard because I gave you a home “ and I am scared. He said that I can’t take my kid because I have nowhere to go and no savings. My daughter is with her dad now. My mom is the only person I have but she thinks that I should take it all, even his step dad who tried to touch me is ok for her because I live in his house and she doesn’t support me leaving my boyfriend, because that means that I go back to her house and she doesn’t have the space for me anymore. My dad lives in my room and he has never been in my life since I was 15 when I had my daughter. We don’t talk. I Feel like I am trapped in a reality that is too hard to understand. Please, can you give me your thoughts and opinions and what would you do if you were me. Don’t be alarmed because of this story, don’t tell me I don’t qualify for free advice because I need it so much. I can’t go out to find help and there is no one who can help me just you. Thank you so much.
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A female reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (13 October 2018):
I am not alarmed by your story. This is also common in the US and Canada. We might not be able to relate because we are not familiar with the support system in El Salvador, such as affordable daycare and college financing. I suggest continuing your career and help pay rent towards your mother and continue your career. You lost your room but if you can sleep in a cot in the living room that’s better than living with abusive people and a creepy old man. Don’t get numb and let your mom talk you into accepting crap in life. Cry, Cry and beg to stay with her. You can fight for custody of your children better if you have a steady career.Your mom and dad do not stay in the same room? They failed to separate because he has financial difficulties and has no home, but do not love each other to sleep in the same bed? Blood is thicker than water. If your mom can take your dad back “partially” even if he hasn’t been the best dad and father, she can take you back. You made a mistake at 15 and then had a wrong choice of boyfriend, now with two children. You looked for love in the wrong places because your family situation wasn’t ideal. To banish you forever is cruel. Tell your mom you want to do the right thing by contributing to society, and to instill value to your children. Otherwise, the negative cycle continues and your children will probably lead dysfunctional lives due to being raised by dysfunctional people (boyfriend, aunties and step dad). The only way out of this is a good education and a career.
A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018):
My heart goes out to you.The awful treatment of women still goes on. It sounds as if your husband has learnt to behave the same way as his elders and is trying to control you, so that he gets no more nagging from his family and he gets an obedient wife. Well done you for planning to leave. If you can take your child with you and provide for you both, that would be the best outcome I imagine. If your oldest daughter could join you in time maybe.Getting your education and being able to earn and be independent is the goal I would imagine. It doesn’t sound as if you can leave if there is nowhere for you to go, unless you check that with your local welfare office. I have looked at Welfare programmes in Nicaragua, but it doesn’t seem as if there are any that would help in your situation. If you were to go to them and tell them that you are being sexually molested? And that your boyfriend has hit you a number of times? And you have nowhere to go. Would that be worth a try? What about when your child is older? Could you study when he/she is at school? Or, because your boyfriend’s aunt and mother looked after your baby before, could they be persuaded to do so again? In the interests of you bringing money in to the home when you are qualified and working? (Even if you DO plan to leave). Or could your Mother be persuaded to help you by looking after your baby while you study? Does she know how unhappy you are? That your boyfriend has hit you? I know she doesn’t care that your boyfriend’s step father has tried to molest you.I’m so sorry that you are stuck in this place. And you will always get free advice from this site. Even if it doesn’t actually help you. Hopefully it helps to talk to sympathetic people. Come back anytime.