I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years, the majority of this has been long distance (10 hour flight). We’ve been trying to find ways to close the distance and one way is to get married so i can sponsor her. I felt this was too fast to get married and wanted to do the usual process of engagement, live together, get married etc but she reassured me we could have our ceremony later so we don’t miss anything, just do this step now so we can live together and carry on as we are and do those things at the right times.I agreed to it, although I would rather find other ways to live together as i still feel its rushed. She wanted me to tell my parents and I said i would tell them about it when i felt ready as i don’t usually talk to my parents about these types of things and don’t really feel that comfortable doing it. I felt I needed time to tell them when it felt right as we plan to do it next year so still had a relatively long time to go. I felt i needed to feel comfortable with it first. Also my girlfriend changes her mind a lot so i wanted to wait until it was certain.However my girlfriend decided to tell my parents without asking me. This is awkward for me as I didn’t feel ready and also now my parents will think i was keeping this secret from them when in reality i just wasn’t ready to discuss it.I felt quite hurt by the fact she didn’t respect my wishes and feelings in this area, but she seems to think she has done nothing wrong, that her telling them now and me telling them later are the same. Is it normal for me to be upset in this situation or is she right about it?
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (31 December 2018):
Maybe you told HER too soon! She told your parents, because she fears you’re fudging and dragging your feet; and leaving yourself an opening for escape! Just in the event you want to bail-out at the last-minute. Promising her the moon and the stars; but offering no particular timeline or decisive plan when any of these events are to take place.Two years is a long-time to keep someone on-hold; and still be “undecided!” “Taking your time” you call it?!! Seriously?!!You hardly know her, because she’s a 10-hour flight away; and I can almost guess how many times either of you cross that much distance. You couldn’t find a local girl; so you went all that far? You probably met on vacation, attending uni, or online. Most of your courtship has been online, text messaging, and through social media.I speculate that you’re not totally certain if or when you’re ready to close the distance. Wishing in the back of your mind you could figure your way out of this!You didn’t exactly want your parents to know; because your parents will pressure you to settle-down, honor your commitment, make a decision, and deliver them a grandchild. They would also question why you had to go so far to find a woman? Maybe you’d have to explain why you may have been dating other women during some of this time??? Were you busted?Here are my questions. Is this a rescue? Does she come from a country stricken with poverty? Does that country have political issues that would make its citizens want to flee in exile? Are you certain how much you really love her? To what lengths would you go to close the gap in distance? Why wouldn’t you move to her country? If she isn’t from a European country, would she be marrying outside of her religion? Would you have any issue with her parents with regard to your race, culture, or beliefs; or would your parents have any problem with hers?These are probably all the questions that your parents would pose; on top of questioning your better judgement. If you have a history of making impulsive decisions, or not standing by your commitments; that’s often why people avoid sharing their plans with their parents. It’s usually because they aren’t making good decisions; or they’re not being totally honest, and/or hiding something.Even she doesn’t trust you; or she wouldn’t have notified your parents of your intentions without your consent. She knows you’re stalling, and may have cause to not trust you.Maybe she’s in a hurry to get out of her country, and you’re her only hope?
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 December 2018):
Is the “real” reason you didn’t tell them because you were unsure of whether you ACTUALLY wanted to go through with it?And HER “real” reason to tell them was to prevent you from NOT going through with it.Because I know how that feels. When I met my husband and we started dating and then later talking future, one of the options was to get married so we could live together no matter where the Army stationed him. I didn’t feel ready for marriage at all. However, I DID tell my parents myself and they were little skeptical of the “plan” but supported us. And that was over 20 years ago. It was a HUGE gamble, to be honest, ours paid off.I don’t think it was her place to tell them. And I think you need to BE honest with yourself (and her) as to having doubts. If you need another 6 months or even 12 to find a way for her to come to the UK on a visa, then DO NOT agree to something you are unsure off.Where is she from? How much time have you spend IN person with her over those 2 years?Can you financially support her 100% if she came to the UK? What skills does she have? What jobs can she apply for? If she has a degree is it comparable to anything in the UK?
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