I’ve been with my boyfriend for 16 months and he left to go Australia in Feb this year, I knew from the start that that was his plans and I was fine with it and both decided to keep things the same way knowing with it being a long distance relationship it’s going to be hard, we both trust each other and know no one would cheat etc. He’s a few years old than me (26) and it’s really my first ever proper relationship and this is his first long relationship he’s been in. So, when he first left for Australia he would always tell me that I’m his priority and that he will always come back for me and for the past few months we both made a plan that in January I would go out to Thailand and meet him there and we would travel together for a month and then come back home together in February. We’ve always spoke about travelling together but now he’s just being distant and told me a couple of days ago that he’s really happy in Australia and doesn’t want to come home and wants me to come there for a year. I’ve never been away from home like that before and that would be in 2/3 months time I’ve already saved money but not enough for what i would need there. I just don’t know what to do, he promised me he would come back home for me and spoke about going back out there together but he just isn’t having any of it so I said to him that it just won’t work with us both wanting different things at the moment, so We fell out really bad and I’ve not been able to sleep well because of how heart breaking this feels and says he feels sad too, how can I get him to change his mind? Do we just completely end things? I’ve waited 9 months for him and all I’ve done is work and save for our holiday, I don’t go out much but all he seems to care about is going out and spending his money we were meant to be saving for on nights out and I get he is travelling but I just feel lead on in a way, I need some help because my head is everywhere and I don’t know what the right decision would be because I do love him.
View related questions: long distance, money
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (11 November 2018):
Here’s my take. If he wanted you there bad enough; your plane ticket and moving-expenses would partially be his financial-responsibility. He’d make-up for whatever money-shortages you couldn’t manage to fill.Yes, you knew from the start his plans were to go to Australia. Your lack of foresight and youthful naivete is evidenced by your overlooking the possibility he would get there, and not want to comeback. I mean, think about! He left everything behind to find a job on another continent!He’s young with nothing to tie him down! Not even you!”We’ll be together someday” is common pillow-talk! The question is when, and whether it ever becomes a reality in the near and foreseeable-future?Nobody leaves family, friends, and everything they hold dear; to get a job in a completely different hemisphere, unless they plan to be there awhile. Only the fabulously rich can jet-set globally, and maintain viable LDR’s with little concern about expense, time, and distance. However, crossing time-zones and jet-lag eventually catches up with them! Something has to give! They also have education, careers, and other obligations that demands they make difficult choices between love, and having a life. Being apart gets old! Giving-up the life and people you love to close the gap, is too hard of a choice without some guarantees! He’s unreliable if you ask me!Even the wealthy and famous suffer signs of stress and strain eventually. Especially when one-half of a couple is staying-put; while the other-half does most of the traveling back and forth. Neither willing to give-up their home-base, career-choices, while distancing themselves from family, or the familiar-comfort of sleeping in their own beds! Ever chasing each other, never to settle-down. Outcome is better for the rich; than the not rich! Any-way you look at it.I’m sorry, but men and women think differently. We follow a different path of logic and reasoning; when it comes to emotional-issues and romantic-commitment. For as long as I have been here responding to OP’s regarding LDR’s and following your heart. I wish I could say there were more men willing to give-up what they wanted; and leaving everything behind for the women they love. I haven’t seen nor read many, if any, cases of that happening. It’s usually women who give-up their dreams, stall careers, and abandon their families; to leave everything behind for men. Although the men in the situation strongly encourage them to do it; but rarely will they be the one to make such a powerful sacrifice in the name of love. If he can afford to pay for your transport back and forth, if you can’t afford it. That’s different. Then that means you rely or him, and you’re dependent. It gives him power over your fate. If your relationship fails; will he be willing to pay for moving you back home? You’ll have to beg and appeal to family, who warned you not to go!I mean, you can’t count the numerous scammers and frauds who dupe lonely women into paying for their transport; in an attempt to gain foreign-migration out of poverty-stricken nations. Those creepy mail-order husbands you read about in the back of tabloids. Shady scumbags who lure desperate women into marriage after brief online-courtships. They go on dating sites, and pretend to fall in-love with females they wouldn’t touch with a 100-foot pole! Now those guys would drop everything! Only because they have nothing to give-up or lose! They’d go anywhere in the world for you!I have no scientific statistical-evidence to offer to support the hypothesis men are less likely to give-up job, home-life, and country for love of a woman pursuing her dream. Unless she’s already rich or famous! Anecdotally, I can only go by the majority of cases we respond to here. Including actual accounts, I’ve witnessed in my own life-experience. The women are more likely to follow their hearts, and give-up everything for his sake! You are far too young to give-up everything to chase a guy across Europe and an ocean. You can’t afford your first visit yet. Has he offered to pay for the trip? He’s not giving-up weekend party-time to save money in the name of love. Sweetheart, think about this and talk to your mum! Do only what is best for you. You have your own hopes and dreams; and your family to who loves you.
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A female reader, CherryR07 +, writes (11 November 2018):
Both you and him are thinking about what he wants, but what about what YOU want? There are two of you in this relationship, and so you need to work around that. Evidently, both of you want different things, so you have two options: both of you find a way to compromise, or you go your separate ways…
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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 November 2018):
I think you need to take a leaf out of your boyfriend’s book, decide what YOU want from life and start doing it, regardless of what others want. You may feel like he led you on with the promises of meeting up in Thailand and coming home together but, I am sure, at the time, he meant every word. However, things have happened since then and his priorities have changed. You only went out for a few months before he went away. You have no way of telling when he is coming back to the UK (or even IF he will come back). It is all very well him having some vague idea about you coming out to Australia but, if that is not what you want, and it is not what you can afford, then it’s irrelevant. Sit down and think long and hard about what you want to do in the next year, 5 year, 10 years. Then decide if any of that involves this boyfriend. He has effectively moved on with his life. Perhaps it is best you do the same. In your shoes I would not be waiting around for him. He doesn’t sound to have any intentions of coming back any time soon. Stop wasting your young years on him. Get out there and live your life the way YOU want to.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2018):
OP, honey…You two have spend HALF your relationship in a LDR, while you “think” you can plan for all kind of things, you can’t plan for change.He “promised” he would move back to the UK, to you after a year, but that was BEFORE he got to Australia and settled down, made friends, got a job and started to enjoy it there, despite YOU not being there. IT HAPPENS!Going to Australia was HIS dream, NOT yours. So while it sounds great to suggest you move there for a year, it’s a little unrealistic, without having a job there or enough of an income, plus to stay in Australia you would probably need a visa and/or work visa for that year.You want him to “change his mind” but that isn’t realistic, OP.We ALL make all kind of plans in life, some will pan out, some won’t, and you HAVE to be flexible enough to roll with the changes.So you have to sit down and look at this with your eyes wide open. LOVE can’t financially support you. Can’t feed you for a year.And what if you move there and hate it? Or you move there for a year but then he wants to stay another and then another year?So be realistic. Have dreams that doesn’t HAVE to involve what ANOTHER person wants to do in life. Have your DREAMS. (and dreams you CAN accomplish yourself).If he doesn’t want to meet up in Thailand now because he is enjoying Australia so much and YOU really want to go there, FIND another travel companion (or companions).He didn’t lead you on, he just moved his OWN goal posts for what he wants in life without making YOU a priority or even thinking too much about what you might want.So do the same. You had ONLY been dating 8 months when he left so there was a lot of “fantasy planning” going on.It’s like living your life trying to plan to win the lottery. (in a sense) For some it happens for most, it doesn’t.You two are no longer on the same page, in the same book or following the same path. So figure out where you (YOU) want to go from here.There is a reason why LDR’s rarely work out long term.This is YOUR life. Stop sitting on your hands waiting for HIM to want what you want.
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