Hello, I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have been together for 12 years. We have a 11 year old together. I so have 3 older kids. But he normally only tells people he has one child. He has always had a temper but it has gotten worse. I made dinner the other day and he literally started yelling that only one piece of chicken was left for him. So he started throwing his bowl in the sink and drove off to get fast food. What am I doing wrong? He always makes me feel so bad about myself. Do I stay with him? We have been together so long. Is this normal behavior?
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (31 December 2018):
What you’re doing wrong is remaining married to a man who doesn’t recognize his step-children as his own, and you claim that he abuses you.The extended length of time you’ve been married is not a determining factor whether you remain in it. It’s how well you are treated; and if your spouse is faithful to you. Marriages have problems; and you resolve them only when both parties willingly and equally work at it. It’s not solely your responsibility to see that he’s happy; it’s a two-way street! I’ll be honest. I think marriage-counseling is a hit or miss proposition. Realistically, most people can’t get their spouses to seek counseling; or to take it seriously if they do. If two people are incompatible, or there is emotional or physical-abuse involved; the victim has to leave! Then she (or he) must seek counseling for themselves; and their children, if any are involved. Your daughter is watching all this. So are the others. They will be affected by his behavior. Your older children are safe; if in their later teens or 20’s.The fact you are asking the type of question you asked, and the way you worded it; indicates to me you are not likely to leave him under any circumstances. You just want to please him. He’s angry and bitter, and you irritate the daylights out of him; because he hates the marriage and your “timid/docile” ways. He reacts in terrible ways; because he knows to get a divorce will be expensive and excruciating. He’ll end-up paying child-support, having his own separate living-expenses, and rent to pay; including alimony on top of that. He probably has all sorts of things he’s pissed about. His job, being middle-aged, trying to feed and support kids that aren’t his, and he’s probably just a nasty person in-general. You were too ga-ga and in-love to say “no” when he proposed! Now years later, you want to know how to please him???He didn’t suddenly turn into a dick. He was always that way! So many women try to make us believe these men were different when they married him. Good men don’t turn completely into monsters. All the red-flags were ignored; with the hopes to change him with love. His bad-behavior was excused and tolerated, because he’s a man.A trapped-man is like a caged wild beast. He won’t make the decision to leave; so he’s raging with frustration. A good father, and a man of strong character; doesn’t get angry because he has to feed his kids, or pay the bills. That’s his moral responsibility. You had those kids when he married you! Eliminate that as a any justification for his behavior. Even stress does not justify any kind of abuse; nor tantrums in-front of your wife and children. If it’s too much on you alone; you sit-down, and workout a family-plan. Teens work part-time, and wifey gets a job! Everyone chips-in!NO! It is not normal behavior to be mean to your wife and the mother of your child!!! It wouldn’t even be correct for me to say ” mother of his children.” He acknowledges only the one he fathered. He’s a douche.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 December 2018):
What are you doing wrong?Well, if you ask me… the ONLY thing you are doing “wrong” is staying with him.Has there been added stress? Financial trouble? That could “explain the temper getting worse? My guess? I wasn’t really about dinner or the chicken at all but he took whatever anger out on the dinner.Do the 3 older kids live with you as well? I can’t IMAGINE a man with 4 kids – 3 of which are step children saying he only has one kid, like the others don’t exist! Do you two TALK? I mean have you asked him (and not in front of the kids) what was up with him the other day?Is it normal? Well, I think EVERYONE gets frustrated, annoyed and behave in a less than perfect manner at times. But do I think his reaction matches the “lack” of chicken in his dinner? I don’t know him. But yes, I think he overreacted.YOU are the one calling him abusive. You give one example of him being an asshat (saying he ONLY has one kid) and one example of him throwing a fit.Can you live with this? And why do you two not communicate better?If he came straight from work and was running late for dinner he COULD have asked you to make him a plate (in case you have the house full of teenagers who eat like lawn-movers) so he WOULD have a decent meal after a full day of work. Drama avoided. But if it was NOT about the food, just him being frustrated (by whatever) then HE needs to find better ways to deal with the stress.
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