My husband and I are having some issues in our marriage, mostly arising from social media. He loves his social media — he’s always checking his likes and posting pictures, but I, on the other hand, don’t use mine all that often. And because I don’t use mine all that often, he thinks I’m trying to hide him from the people on my social media pages. I’ve posted pictures of us together multiple times and I’ve never been unfaithful — I love him! But he thinks because I don’t post much about us on social media, I must not be proud to have him. I really do consider myself lucky to have him, but when we go out and do something fun, my first thought isn’t to post it on social media, whereas he’s already bringing out his phone to snap a picture. It makes me happy that he wants to post pictures of us, but at the same time, I don’t think about posting to mine most of the time. I take pictures of us, but I normally don’t post them. Not because I don’t want to, I just don’t think to. I can understand where he’s coming from, and it hurts my heart to think I’m hurting him. I’ve explained that I’ve never really used my social media very much to begin with, and I’ve tried to remedy the situation by posting more pictures of us together on my accounts. It’s not a secret that we’re together because we’re married, and even beforehand, I would gush about him all the time to my friends and family.I don’t know what to do. Am I in the wrong for not taking social media more seriously? What should we do?Thank you!
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A female reader, YouWish + ♥, writes (26 March 2019):
This one is really easy once you deconstruct his core motivation for his treatment of you, but since you’re not really one FOR social media, it simply wouldn’t occur to you why he is acting so unreasonable here:You say he’s REALLY into it? LOTS of people use social media to be secretly unfaithful to their partners, and if he’s as exposed as you say he is, he KNOWS people who are. Hell, he’s probably had some women try to lure HIM, and he’s certainly got friends who are as we speak being unfaithful through social media. Your husband is being extremely insecure about you.He has friends who are evasive on social media, and he’s reading your lack of interest as likewise being evasive in order to “keep your options open”. If you add to that your AGE, given you’re young to be someone’s wife, and if he’s as young as you are, he’s operating out of immaturity on the subject.You do NOT need to constantly reassure him of your faithfulness in your marriage. In fact, I would question HIM whether or not he’s doing things on social media that he wouldn’t do in your presence, especially since a suspicious and jealous tendency sometimes serves to mask one’s own infidelity. I’m NOT saying your husband’s cheating on you! But tell him that you’ve given him no reason to distrust you, and that he’ll tear apart your relationship if he continues to indulge his jealousy to keep accusing you.Has he been trying to snoop on you? THat’s a possibility as well. He needs to stop and trust you. Unless you’ve cheated on him in the past, he needs to operate from trust, or there IS no relationship.He has more opportunity to stray from you since he’s all over social media. If his accusations or paranoia or jealousy really start ramping up, maybe it’s time to do some research of your own into his goings on.But whatever you do, don’t go kowtowing to it. You can’t appease jealousy. It’s like a hungry monster. The more you reassure him, capitulate to him, try to prove yourself to him, and change your behavior for him, the worse he’ll get. You’d think it would make things better, but it doesn’t. Best way is to confront him, because HE OWNS his insecurity, not you.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (25 March 2019):
You’re married, but you don’t have to like everything he likes. He can’t force you into it; and make it seem as if you’re cheating in order to guilt-trip you into bending to his will. It would seem he does enough for the both of you. What’s left for you to post, if he’s publishing everything anyway?I’m sure you have mutual contacts. Unless he’s filming a documentary of your marriage and private-life; you’re going to have to be the one to draw the line. He’s too addicted to it. Even professionals have to get a signed-release to publicize you on video; or to capture and display your image to the masses. It comes down to your approval; and in some cases you should refuse. He has to get used to boundaries.You have to learn that there are times in your marriage that you have to standby your own values and standards; and other times you compromise. This is where you stand your ground. He can’t spend money frivolously, he can’t date other women, and he can’t publicize everything you do! You won’t post stuff if you don’t want to! If he is making false-accusations about your fidelity or that you’re ashamed of him; that’s a sign of his immaturity and/or it also indicates he wants to control you. He’s pouting like a baby-man to get his way. If you’ve compromised, you go only as far as you want…and that’s it!If he’s willing to do more of something you like he doesn’t like much; then you can make a fair exchange. Quid pro quo!You’ll become a social-media exhibitionist, if he does more such and such for you! You still have your rights!You can’t allow someone to over-publicize your private-life and continue to love him. He’s going to push-it pass the limit. You’re so young, this sort of thing will strain your marriage.He’s drawing immature and unfair conclusions; and you can’t please anyone 100%. Sometimes you will have to put your foot-down and standup for your principles. People attempt to coerce you into doing what they want you to do; even if it is acting out of character. If you give-in too much, you will start to feel like your life is an open-book; and you’ll feel naked in public. How long do you think you can handle that?Explain to him you feel more private about things; and you don’t enjoy putting your life on display. Continue to compromise, but go only as far as you feel comfortable with it. If you let him; he’ll start forcing you to do things you really don’t want to do; because all he has to do is accuse you of something terrible. You’ll grow to resent him.If you’re both under 25, you married pretty young; and you’re both still adapting to adulthood and responsibility. He’s acting childish, so you both still have some growing-up to do. I think you’ll work things out. You’ll get tired of being prodded and bullied; and you’ll learn to smooth things out. These sorts of things have a way of working themselves out. Don’t do anything any differently; and he’ll adapt to your ways, as much as you will adapt to his. Throw in a surprise from time to time, just to keep him happy.
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (25 March 2019):
I don’t participate in social media. I don’t do Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or other. My wife does.I think your husband is being a jerk. He should do him and you should do you and he should just STFU about how you do you. Who is he to dictate to you how you should use social media? Next time, ask him by what right does he demand that you do things according to his wishes? Get aggressive and get right in his face. Don’t accept his premise and don’t back down. This is fight worthy because he is trying to shame and control you.He is an authoritarian bully at a minimum, demanding that others adhere to his social media standards, but he may be a totalitarian if he also demands that you not only comply with his social media standards, but do so with gusto and true belief that it’s good. Ask him just who he thinks he is that he can judge others based on their social media usage?This is not something to take lightly. He is attempting to bully and impose his will upon you and his dick needs to be kicked in the dirt over it. You need to be agressive, mean, and slice his ass up with your woman claws. Put that dude in his place. Screw his childish feelings.Others may disagree with me. They probably will. But, as far as I’m concerned, your husband is peddling some seriously weak ass shit and his man-card should be revoked for being an emotional wussy boy.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2019):
I don’t have any social media. MY husband does. He posts ALL kind of crap.Obviously, I don’t.POSTING pictures of your partner doesn’t mean you LOVE them more than not posting any.I think he is being a tad unrealistic as to what social media really is. YOUR relationship is BETWEEN the two of you. NOT something that HAS to be documented on social media to be real.I think you two just need to have a little talk about HOW you see social media. Maybe he just doesn’t really “get” your view point so you have to SPELL it out.IF you TALK about him to PEOPLE who know you, people who care about you, I don’t see the big deal. You didn’t MARRY him to have someone to constantly take pictures with, right? And vice verse? But because you LOVE each other.How often or how many pictures you post DOESN’T ALTER how you feel.
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