My partner and I had an argument the other evening and it blew off on a tangent to him calling my mother poisonous, and he told me to tell my mother to “be less poisonous around him”I did as he asked, but tried to break it gently to my mother who naturally, didn’t take it well at all. She is incredibly upset, hurt, disrespected and fed up of how he treats me. He puts everything before me, and that hurts me too. The trouble is, when times are good, they are really good and I love the relationship, but when they are bad, they are pretty awful.My partner says that my mum needs to hear it and that she just has to accept that, that is just the way he is. My mum is saying that he is being completely disrespectful and that she doesn’t want to see him again.I can completely understand that from my mothers perspective. After much persuasion, I convinced my partner to send my mother a message to apologise. He asked me to read it before he sent it, but didn’t take any of my advise on how best to word it. (What’s the point in asking me then?) It started off as a good apology, but then became a dictation of how my mother needs to be around his company.He is asking for something from my mother that he isn’t prepared to give and again, it is all on his terms. I don’t want to break up with my partner, my family also mean the world to me but they say there is no coming back from it and I am stuck in the middle not knowing what to do.Really, I would want my partner to speak with my mother face to face, but having many arguments with my partner, myself, I know how that will end up going. I felt like writing the apology for him to just make amends, however I wouldn’t ever want to be meddling like that.I have apologised to my parents for informing them of what was said, however they have told me that they wouldn’t want me to feel like I have to talk to anyone else and that I should always go to them. Then I have my partner saying I should also talk to them but filter out what would hurt them. The trouble is, that means he isn’t taking responsibility for what he says, I am caught in the middle, the outer relationship is fake between them and it is basically just one big fat mess.I do not care who is to blame, I am not after blame answers, what I am after is some advice as to what to do to help sort it out. I think the dust needs to settle, and then, I don’t know… Do I try and get him to apologise again? Do I just keep a separate relationship? The difficulty with that is when it comes to marriage and kids and things…. need I say more?It goes on further as he is so so so incredibly close to his mum, to the point where he see’s her more than me sometimes, and she is incredibly mothering over me, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t need a second mum! So he expects me to play happy families with his family, again on his terms, yet as soon as it comes to my family, he basically has just shut it all down.I could continue, but hopefully that gives an outline. I would really appreciate any advice as to how to move forward here, rather than what should have been done.Many thanksx
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (8 October 2018):
I think it’s best not to discuss what’s said in the heat of arguments you’ve had with your boyfriend with either of your parents. What good would come of it? Don’t fan the flames!Any disagreement they have in your presence, intervene!Things are said when people are angry that they don’t necessarily mean, and can’t take back. Apologies may be nice in theory; but the wounds inflicted may take a long time to heal, if ever. If he should ever have direct confrontations with your mother, you better reconsider if this guy is all you’re claiming him to be. You did say, when it’s bad it’s really bad. Consider that a red-flag, as far as compatibility and sustainability of a decent relationship goes. That’s a bad sign.It rubs me the wrong way to read that he made you write his apology to your mother. In my world, you don’t go there. Nothing comes from your mouth about my mother!!! Fortunately, I haven’t run across that problem in my relationships; but I would certainly make a mental-note of it. Criticisms better be constructive; and insults better be kept to yourself!Disrespect for your parents is inadvertently having disrespect for you. As for HIS mothering over YOU; that translates into taking control, sweetheart! Pretending to be protective, is usually how controlling-people force you into submission to their will. They do it in a very subtle, but clever way. As if it’s for your own good. Yeah, right!!!Time to time people may have disagreements with their SO’s parents; but they should be measured, carefully-worded, and handled with care. That doesn’t apply to toxic-parents who are nasty, and show blatant disregard for the feelings of others. They deserve back what they dish-out! Some parents are bigoted, snobbish, or just plain mean. Nobody has to take that. That’s the exception. I meant sometimes personality-types clash, but not in a severe way.Civility and courtesy should still be employed. That goes both-ways. Your mom has no right to be rude either. If it comes back at her, she shouldn’t be surprised. Don’t mouth-off or get snarky; then suddenly shrink into victim-mode. Provoking people to anger reflects just as poorly on her!Choose your battles. Like I said, keep a mental-note of this behavior. If it becomes a habit or his routine; reconsider how great of a boyfriend he is. If you plan to marry this guy one day; just remember what you’re bringing into your family, and how they will likely get along. I don’t care how much I love my boyfriend, he will not cross words with my parents. No guy goes one on one with my mom! No way!For now, let it rest. Picking scabs and refueling drama will not help the matter; but insist he treat your mother as he would want you to treat his! You can’t make people like each other; but you can insist that he be civil and respectful towards your parents. I don’t know about you, but for me; that’s a deal-breaker!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 October 2018):
Honestly OP?Sounds like your partner is working on isolating you from your support-net and family.HIS family is all that matters. As you can see his mother is trying to mother you as well. So in his (or maybe his whole family’s eyes) there is no need for YOU to have much to do with your family.I have to ask, is he not British? Is he Middle-eastern/Asian or Eastern European?Because his behavior, seems very much like it’s a different culture and upbringing that HE is coming from then you are.I think you REALLY need to consider all this. And I think you are SMART to think ahead because if you DO choose to marry/have kids… THIS is NOT going to change. HE ISN’T going to change.That is why he CHOSE to write the apology to you mom AFTER you asked him to, BUT he took the “license” to make it a NON apology. So he didn’t EVEN apologize to your mom because HE doesn’t think he is wrong, he ONLY did it to placate you.It sounds rather unhealthy OP.You SHOULD be able to talk about issues with your partner over your parents AS YOU ARE NO longer a kid. And I HAVE to ask… Is your mother a tad “poisoning” around your partner? Have you shared “too many” negative stories about your partner with your parents that they FEEL like YOU can’t stand up for yourself so THEY have to?Because I can see this not being entirely black and white here. Both your mom/parents are at fault as well as your partner.There will come a time where either “side” will expect you to choose side. And guess what? YOU will be the “loser” regardless of what you choose.Is this really the man you see yourself go old with? Raise a family with?
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A female reader, Ivyblue + ♥, writes (8 October 2018):
It must be equally hurtful as it is frustrating to be piggy in the middle of two people you love. Neither of them are being considerate of that. Is it at all possible for you to find the strength to have an open discussion with both of them at the same time? Explaining just how their behaviour in impacting on you.Like really hammer it home. Maybe it will shed some light for them both maybe not but at least you can talk about setting and agreeing to some boundaries that will protect you and your relationship with both. You cant force personalities to get along however I think it is important for you to stand your ground that you have had enough and you wont be forced to choose where your loyalties should lie. You are an adult in charge of your own life choices. Good luck I hope you find some peace
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