I’m 31 years old woman divorced with 2 kids one of whom have a a disability.
I’ve stayed away from relationships all together because my life is not easy and I have my priorities.Lately, a younger man started to show interest in me, he is 5 years younger than me. I’ve tried to stay away and I told him the age gap is enough reason for me to stay away and I came up with all sort of reasons for him to realise we are not a matchWe agreed to be friends and he told me I don’t see you as a friend. He is mature, kind, a cancer survivor and that alone I think have made him a decent human being who appreciate life and also understands the challenges of having a child with special needs, he showed me nothing but goodness.We dated even though I’m confused about us he still managed to impress me with his simplicity. Every time he smiles I feel like it’s so innocent, life haven’t corrupted his soul one bit.He have asked me to marry him last night.I don’t know what to do, we are moving on too fast, I am scared my mind is cloudy and I can’t think straight.. Oh, he is also dam hot I don’t know why he doesn’t go for a younger girl or what the hell he is seeing in me.Millions questions in my head. What do you think ?
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (9 December 2018):
I’m sorry, but I have to give you a very honest response that you might not really like. You can ignore my advice if you wish.Men under 30 are not reliable emotionally. I don’t care how responsible we may “appear” to be; but we mature much slower chronologically than females. A young 25 year-old male taking on an older-woman and a child; that’s risky-business for both sides. You are experienced and seasoned with the expectations and demands of motherhood. You yourself have taken on responsibility beyond your years. A special-needs child requires you to make sacrifices in life other mothers don’t have to make. It goes beyond just love, it takes real commitment and extraordinary patience. You are challenged to the limit at times. A younger husband would be that much more stress on you; hoping he is up to the task and demands of marriage, and fatherhood. Do you have time for experimentation, and testing whether he is capable? I think your first inclination is to jump and say yes; because a little voice tells you that you could use the help, and you don’t know when the opportunity for marriage might arise again. You’re a woman. You want love, commitment, and companionship like any other woman would. The fact remains, you come as a package. You’re including a child who may demand 99% of your attention; while he competes for that remaining 1%. It will feel like raising two children at times. We men can be quite boyish at times.Then the test is, whether he is closer to being a boy than a man? He’s allowed to fail the test, due to inexperience. Can you afford that? Can your child afford a dad who isn’t ready for special-needs fatherhood? Sure, he may like your child; but financially supporting him and dealing with is disability 24/7 is a whole different story!You’re taking on someone inexperienced and piling far too much on him; regardless of how much he may “think” he can handle it all. He can’t just get tired of it all; and walk-away from these serious responsibilities. He can’t run with his buddies, spend money like it grows on trees; or get tired of caring for another man’s kid. Then there’s wanting one of his own!I think regardless of all the sentiments about age; it’s more about the risk-factor and measure of responsibility that you will be placing on someone who is enamored and not really experienced enough to see the whole picture. He can only see as far as his feelings will let him. You have to be careful even with someone older and more experienced; but you are talking about marriage. Not just a boyfriend. How will he handle giving-up money he wants for a man-toy to be used instead for the needs of your child and all the bills? How much does he earn? Can he take-on a ready-made family? Who earns more? You or he?You will also have to think about when time changes your body; and his aging at a slower rate. Women won’t like this comment, but I don’t care. We’re talking about reality here.The gap isn’t that large, but you’ll notice the difference.We’re talking about you now, not him. You’ll have to deal with it, and be secure about it.He’s giving-up time most guys are still establishing a career, reaching life-goals, and gaining relationship experience through dating different women. Even if you were his age; you’d be taking a risk, already being a mom. You’ll be dealing with two youngsters. The question is, how much more responsibility do YOU think YOU can handle? Let wisdom and logic guide the rushed or impractical impulses of the heart. Think in terms of how this decision affects the life and well-being of your child. He’s nice now, how will it be two years into marriage? He’ll only be around 27!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2018):
Tell him it’s too soon for you to give him an answer, that you feel it’s all moving too quickly for you.BE honest.You didn’t mention how long you have been dating, but I think you need to consider WHAT is best for your kids AND you. Is there a rush to get married? I presume no. So don’t.If he is as decent as you portrait him, then he will wait for you to know your own mind.
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