I started an emotional and physical affair with a man I work with around this time last year. He started seeing someone about 3/4 months before me and him started talking. He’s 15 years older than me,I’m 32 he’s 47. We connected on a level I never knew existed,he opened up to me about everything,his ex wife,his 2 kids,his childhood,his insecurities,his feelings… I never had someone be so honest and open with him before. I quickly fell head over heels. I also feel into devastion and a mild depression too. He was having major issues with the gf and before anybody thinks of telling me the usual “he was only telling you what you wanted to hear” stuff,I believe every single issue he has had with her because he went into so much detail and has showed me texts on every occasion. These are never things you can just make up. They have broken up a couple of times and has obviously come to me each time. Thing is at this stage I know he won’t ever leave her now and I know I deserve a lot more and someone who wants to be with me. So I’ve called off the whole sleeping together because I want to move on. Thing is,I just don’t understand why he stays with her of he’s miserable!! I’ve witnessed his misery and he’s like that every week now. He’s always told me he doesn’t see a future with her,he doesn’t trust her because of things she’s said and did before, again things I know all about,and he doesn’t see himself even introducing his kids to her anytime soon. We spoke the other day ,him saying he was an asshole to both me and her but he just constantly bitches and moans about her. He’s not happy at all. I asked him why he sticks with her and he says he just doesn’t know,he really doesn’t. So why is he with her over me? He’s always said he can open up to me,be myself with me,he can’t do that with her. She’s cold and harsh and he feels like he’s walking on glass with her all the time. Me and him have incredible fun together,not even just sex but just hanging out and talking together. We constantly talk, constant texting and talking on the phone,I mean like about 10 hours in 5 days sort of phone calls. He told me he’s much happier with me. He’s told me he’s not even attracted to her anymore and the relationship is more like a chore. Again,I believe him over this because he talks to me about EVERY SINGLE thing. but when I ask him why he won’t leave her for me he just says it’s not that simple,that if he met me before her we’d definitely be together and it’s all down to bad timing. He keeps telling me he loves me and cares so much for me but I have broken this off a few times before and he will not just let me go,keeps saying he misses me too much and loves me. He remembers all that I say,even small things,he genuinely does love being with me and he constantly showers me with compliments and makes me feel amazing. Now I know with me,I suffer from low self esteem and I’ve started going counseling over it and that’s why I know at this stage that he may care and love me but it’s never going to be enough. I really think he is incapable of being in love. He’s obviously not with her,he has tried so hard to convince me he loves me and can’t understand why I don’t believe him. I guess he just thinks he feels he is…. What does everyone think? Does he he love me in his own way? Does he think he’s in love with me? Why is he staying with her? Again,this is not going to make a difference to the way I feel about him,I’ve called it off because I told him I’m not putting myself through this anymore and have realized nostter what happens,that he will stay. I guess I’m just asking out of curiosity and for my own confidence that it’s not something I did or am that he’s not leaving her for me…
View related questions: affair, confidence, ex-wife, I work with, move on, self esteem, text
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 December 2018):
Is it you?Not necessarily, but you DO allow him to STRING you along while dating someone else, she might not. You didn’t back off when he started seeing you and was STILL seeing someone else. You accepted the “mistress” position. Which is why you hold “only” the mistress position. You don’t seem to value yourself as more, and neither does he.As much PRAISE and COMPLIMENTS as he gives you, he still CHOSE to stick it out with the girlfriend. Why? For all her faults SHE is the one HE wants to be in a relationship with. NOT you.Does he love you? I would say no. And here is why. You don’t TREAT someone you love like side-dish. You don’t string them along for a whole year. You CERTAINLY don’t divulge relationship drama with the GF to the “mistress (you) either. UNLESS you want sympathy and to give the “mistress” false hope.OP, STOP “selling” yourself short. END it. IF he REALLY cared as much as he claims about you… he would have CHOSEN you, he wouldn’t have strung you along for a year.Since you work together, it’s going to be hard having no contact but I would advice cutting AS MUCH contact as possible (anything that isn’t work related) and even looking for a new job elsewhere, so you can cut contact 100%.You are going to continue to WASTE your life on a man who doesn’t REALLY want you, if you keep seeing him. And then in 3-5 years you will STILL be the mistress and still feel like shit because he doesn’t LOVE you enough to just BE with you.OR .. his GF will have had enough and left… but HE will replace HER… but not with you.OR you will be his GF and he will CHEAT on you with someone else.He really isn’t a keeper. You like unavailable men, because it means you don’t have to work on betting yourself. Don’t be the stereotypical neurotic “mistress” who refuses to see the truth for what it is.TAKE some responsibility for yourself, you life and your choices. I bet you wouldn’t want YOUR BF/partner/husband to be cheating on you. So why do you agree to cheat with someone who HAS a partner already? Do you really see continuing with this man will help your self-esteem? My guess is no. Your self-worth will keep dropping until you hit bottom, if you haven’t already.END it, cut contact and WORK on yourself. Learn to LOVE you. So others CAN love you too, instead of just use you.
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