My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married in 6 months. We have been trying for a baby for close to 2 years now. Last year, we underwent a fertility check as we didn’t manage to get pregnant. Turns out he’s got low sperm quality and I have endometriosis.
I recently had surgery to remove the endometriosis, and the doctor said it would increase our fertility. However there’s still the matter of my boyfriends sperm, so my hopes are quite low. So far nothing.Next in line is IVF treatment at the hospital. We’re not getting any younger, my boyfriend will turn 40 this year (Im only 33).As we got engaged, and startet planning our wedding, I thought I would manage the possibility of a pregnancy, IVF-treatment, wedding planning and on top of it all: a new job. I thought I was super woman and could handle it all. Turns out, Im not that strong. All the failed attempts at making a baby has worn me out, and I feel quite hopeless. I dont want to give up trying, but every month we don’t succeed tears away at me. And then there’s the wedding dress that sort of has become the symbol of my crisis. I will not be able to wear the same dress if Im pregnant as when Im not pregnant. I already bought a beautiful (slightly expensive) dress that will only fit me if Im not pregnant, and then I have a much cheaper “back-up” for if I am pregnant. It’s logical and makes sense. But in the midsts of my curren emotional state, where it feels devastating that we aren’t able to make children, I’ve started to dread the dress choice. I WANT to look pretty in my more expensive dress. But I feel sad that it will only remind me of our failed attempts at having a child. I dont want the dress to represent that. So I have started to think that maybe it is better to delay the IVF-treatment and stop trying for a baby, just until the wedding. That way I wont get so dissapointed each and every month, and the dress wont become a symbol of the failure. I’ve also recently started a new job, and while this on it’s own wouldn’t have made me want to delay, it just becomes yet another energy draining aspect of my life. Bottom line is that I am tired, very tired. And then there’s my boyfriend. He said that if I want to delay the IVF-treatment 6 months, we will, but he doesn’t know how he will feel 6 months from now. My worry is that as we are approaching his 40’th birthday, he starts to feel like he’s too old to keep trying. He recently began expressing concern that he feels old, and that he’s not sure how long he will want to keep trying. For the here and now, he wants a child with me (and I hope for more than 1!). In the grand scheme of things, this looks like such a petty problem. All for a dress… But right here and now it feels overwhemling to me. And I can’t find anyone to talk to about this. Our fertility struggles aren’t something we’ve talked about to that many, and those who do know, they dont see the problem in just alternating between dresses depending on the condition I am in when the time comes for my wedding. I dont think they understand the emotional distress it causes to try month after month for two years, disappointment after disappointment. It’s been some of the most difficult things I’ve experienced.
View related questions: cheap, engaged, sperm, trying for a baby, wedding
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A female reader, Andie’s Thoughts + ♥, writes (7 January 2019):
I’m sorry for your TTC trouble, but congratulations on your upcoming wedding!As married life and a new job are such big adjustments, I agree with Honeypie that those should probably be your priorities. The dress is a minor thing in comparison, as those two things at once can be tough, let alone three! Fitting the dress would be a bonus, though :)I think stopping trying to conceive for now would be a good idea. It’s such a draining experience and you need a break from it, whether you’re getting married or not. It’s taking it’s toll and we all need breaks from things that are stressful. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but him possibly feeling too old in 6 months is a concern. It will take more than 6 months to keep trying, get pregnant, go through the pregnancy, have the baby, wait a couple of years and repeat. I appreciate that it may have been out of frustration/sadness with the struggle so far, but both parents need to be ready for it when it happens, not suggest they will feel too old before the baby even arrives – especially if you want more than one. Please discuss this with him, as delaying it seems best for now (not just because of the dress), so saying he may feel too old is putting an unfair time limit on you – especially when low sperm count appears to be the main issue now.Please take the 6 months away from trying. Give yourself the break. Stress isn’t conducive to conceiving or carrying to term, then going through the challenges of newborns. Enjoy your wedding and new married life, then after a few months of settling in, try IVF. I know some scoff at therapy, but it really is worth a shot because TTC is hard when it’s such a struggle and feeling overwhelmed will only leave you unable to enjoy the things between now and giving birth.
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019):
The doctors are giving you a very positive spin by telling you that your chances are increased.But realistically you may never get pregnant.Get counselling to overcome the feeling that this means you are a failure because there is no connection and in your high anxiety state your worries are out of proportion to your realities.You can still be a parent if you start considering adoption and being in a stable relationship is an advantage so the marriage is a good idea.A dress is a dress and a baby is a baby and there is no link between the two whatsoever.If you have the capacity to love a child you will get the opportunity if you face realistic options..As for sex..yes.it is sex that makes a baby!But trying for a baby sounds so very boring and tedious that you should stop trying and just enjoy a bit of unprotected sex together if you are planning on sticking together.If you are not trying for anything sex is a lot more natural in your relationship so let yourselves off the ‘must make baby’ hook and consider your alternatives.Being a parent is a demanding option and stressing over whether or not you will look good is the opposite of being a parent.You have to be spontaneous to cope with having a child and frequently your appearance takes a back seat so that appearance obsession is really counterproductive.Babies are sweet, messy, adorable, get sick, cry a lot etc but after you put in all the work it seems worthwhile.So an easy going approach to your appearance is advisable.An adopted child needs the love, care and protection like all little children and are absolutely and equally rewarding.Its nice to look good for the occasional photo opportunity but it is not an essential part of daily life.The trust and love you establish is far more important than anything else.I would say your skinny wedding dress would look fine as its unlikely you will be putting any weight on before your nuptials.Take the stress off yourself by getting counselling to understand that humans often face circumstances that can look better from a different angle.A counsellor is trained to listen and understand so that you can unburden yourself of preconceived notions that don’t happen for everyone.It can also help you to reprogram your belif systems and the unwarranted connections that stress can facilitate.And it can help to articulate your feelings and to get validation and understanding.Adoption is something you should think about deeply. You have no guarantee that IVF treatment will result in a baby.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 January 2019):
One thing at a time. I’d start withe the wedding and then adjustments to a new job THEN… after all that work on making a baby.Also there are MANY places that have Vintage or secondhand brand name wedding dresses for the FRACTION of the price. Some never used. That IS an option to getting a really FANCY dress and still not break the budget on a dress you will ONLY wear once in your life.I got a never worn (with tags) $8,000 dress for $900. I was lucky that it just fit like a glove and needed very few alterations. And I’m glad I didn’t spend more than then $900 but still looked amazing 🙂
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