Hi there, I am in a very difficult situation right now, due to the fact that my boyfriend is dealing with something very hard for him, my boyfriend is older than (quite older) I am 30, he is 47, he is divorced from 6 years ago, he came to this country at 25 y/o and at 30 he married an older woman which was 43 at that time, now she is 60, they lasted 10 years together, they have no kids, just dogs and cats, (which he loves!), she happens to live in a town a little up north from where we live about one hour and a half.
When him and I met about a year ago (to be more exact january-19 -2018) he had told me that he was divorced and everything about him, but I don’t recall him telling me he had this frequent type of communication to this woman whom he had nothing with anymore, they are divorced, he told me that he promised his father-in-law when he died, that he would look after her if she need help in anything. This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama, Mind you she was the one who opted for divorce, so in her head she believed/ believes (present) that he would stay single and be there for her, cause she might still have feelings for him (all of this sounds absurd TO ME!) if she still has feelings for him, why did she divorced him in the first place? Does not make sense to me.The other part is that this ex of his has nobody to look out for her, her parents died, her brothers died, she has no kids, she has 2 nephews which don’t visit her. So my boyfriend is the only person she has and a roommate friend Unbelievable!! but true.So about 2 weeks ago, I was at our home waiting for my bf to come back from work, as usual we would eat, watch a movie etc, and so when he arrived back home he tells me that there has been an emergency and that his Ex wife ended up in the hospital and that he had to go and see what was going to happen and look after his dogs as well, so he stayed over there about a week with her he did not go to his job until Thursday which was when he returned. I was very mad with him because since he left that Friday night, he did not call me neither text me, until he came back here, my aunt which gets along with him very well called him to see what was going on, since I am a little proud and refused to call him, I was very angry at the fact that he had left me to see what was going on with her!, I mean we had plans for that weekend.When he came back that Thursday, He was exhausted, of not sleeping well and all this drama, so I arrived from work around 1:30 AM, he was deeply sleeping, so I went to sleep as well, and next morning which was Friday he woke up to go to work, I was sleeping cause I was free until the upcoming week, so he comes by and hugs me, kisses me, and tells me that he ’‘loves me a lot’’ that we would talk later that day about what had been going on, so when he came back home later that day he started talking about his job and that the upcoming week he and his team had some inspections to do on a 5-day trip about an hour and a half from where we live, so they would stay in a hotel for 5 days (all of this happened this past week), and then I mentioned him that why did he not called me for 5 days when he left that Friday, he replied that: he was wrong for doing that, that he should not have done that and that I was right, and he asked me to forgive him, because he did in fact acted wrong, so we talked that he could not abandon his life because of what his ex was going through, he has a home to pay, a job to attend to and a new life with me, so he replies: that of course that he is not going to abandon his life, but he asked me to please understand him that he will help her with what he can, because he cannot abandon her like if she was a dog.So his Ex wife happened to be in sharp pain when she breathed, so they did some exams etc, and they discovered she has a small tumor on her lung, plus some Micro bacteria, but they still could not figure out exactly what her problem was, so they send her to a hospital that specializes in this, they told her to go and do a biopsy there, so they can determine what she has, so she came this past week with a roommate friend she has, and they told her she has cancer.So yesterday my boyfriend calls me around 7:00 pm, I thought that he was on his way back home from the inspections I had mentioned before, well guess what he calls me sobbing and crying that he was in the town where she lives, that this was really difficult for him and that he just found out that his ex-wife has cancer, and that she can barely put her arm up, that she was depressed, So I felt bad for him, But I ended getting mad at him, cause I wanted to be with him this weekend and see a movie, so I said to him ’‘listen you cannot throw your life away because of this situation, there is nothing you can do, it’s not your fault and especially not mines, and he was telling me:’’ please understand me, you know that I love you and you know that I want a life with you’’ I want you to be by my side during this situation, be patient with me, don’t abandon me during this moment, this is the last I need know.I was really firm with him on the phone, I got mad, frustrated, so for one moment I almost picked up everything I have in his house (well he calls it our house, he says it’s my home as well, even though we are not married) and take it with me, like I just felt like breaking up with him, what type of life am I going to have with this man and this situation, how is going to handle/balance this. I am not willing to be a painting on the wall, I want us to be able to have a normal relationship, go out, have fun, not because this situation happened that everything is going to change, cause I will not tolerate that.We already spoke about this I just don’t know what else to do, what else to speak about! I mean it is what it is, he won’t abandon her, the only thing that pops in my mind is asking him how is he planning to manage this situation. I feel bad for him and I do LOVE HIM! But I don’t know how am I going to tolerate this whole thing, I might break up with him and move on, which is what I have in mind, I am 30, I want to enjoy my life, I don’t want to be with a man that has this baggage, and I have to be a zombie alongside him. It sounds unfair to me.How can he manage this or how will he manage this? This is what I want to ask him and see what he replies, especially now that we know what this woman has. I see all of this very difficult, how is he going to enjoy the times that we go out (that is if we go out) seriously I am thinking about all of this.
View related questions: depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, move on, roommate, text
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A male reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (17 June 2019):
He made a commitment to look after her and he’s living up to his commitment. He made that clear to you from the beginning and you chose to get involved with him anyway. Now that you see what that means, you find it intolerable. That’s completely understandable and it’s a tough thing to take.To put it bluntly, you have a choice: leave, or stay and put up with it. There is no middle ground.Before you consider leaving though, ask yourself if you’ll ever find another man who honors his commitments like he does. A lot of people pay lip service to making commitments and then as soon as the going gets tough, they stop living up to their commitments. Not living up to commitments is all too common these days.Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not suggesting that you stay. I’m merely pointing out that someone who truly honors their commitments is a rare person these days. While technically, he also made commitments to you to go out on dates, when commitments conflict, the greater commitment must take precedence. His ex being hospitalized and getting a cancer diagnosis far outweighs going out on a date with you. You know full well that had he not had this conflicting emergency he would’ve honored all of his commitments to you. With a cancer diagnosis, you can expect that he will be even more conflicted.The question for you is: Is he worth waiting for? If so, then grin and bear it until his ex wife passes away. If not, then break up. Understand that there is no middle ground where he can only be there for her sometimes. He’s living up to his commitment.Another thing to consider is the fact that he made this commitment to his ex and her father in the first place. It’s one thing to honor commitments, it’s quite another to make foolish commitments.Is he prone to making foolish commitments? If so, then you’re probably better off breaking up lest you get caught up in some foolish future commitment. If not, then you have a man that makes conscientious commitments and lives up to them. That’s a very valuable trait.In the grand scheme, a few lost dates, while upsetting, aren’t the same as a major medical crisis. You can break up and find a new guy, but finding one that’s as trustworthy as your boyfriend isn’t so easy. Just some food for thought.
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2019):
Staying with him will change nothing.He will continue to be at her beck and call, not just because he promised her dad but because HE gets something out of it.YOU will ALWAYS be a lower priority than her.Move out, move on. Find someone you have more in common with. LIVE life.He CAN NOT give you what you want. (his undivided attention). HE isn’t OVER the ex-wife. THAT is why he keeps his and her life so entwined.You CAN love someone and NOT be well-matched at all. LOVING someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to stay with him no matter what. OR that you can not FIND someone better suited to you.
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A female reader, Andie’s Thoughts + ♥, writes (17 June 2019):
OP, you’re at a great time in your life to find someone nearer your age with little drama (if any) who wants similar things in life. This guy seems like he will always be attached to his ex-wife because he promised his dad, as well as things just don’t seem completely over between them. I don’t see you being happy like this.Whether you try it for longer or not is up to you, but I think you’ll be wasting your time because there’s so much baggage for him.
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