I guess this is a slightly multi-layered problem.Firstly I am single as of close to year ago. I mention this as I feel it potentially explains certain things as of yet mentioned.It was a strange breakup that never really had closure. We were together for 6 years but she is from a different country and when the visa expiry issue came up I candidly brought up the marriage option and she said she wasn’t ready for it. Fair enough, no hard feelings, i’m glad she was honest!So we then discussed that she would return home and we would see how things go. We’d stay in touch and get a feel for what may come our way.I clearly hung on longer than she did. Very quickly she was telling me that she didn’t want to skype as she was working in the week and didn’t want to take time out of her weekends as it was her free time. I was asking to skype maybe twice a month which i deemed to not be often at all and she said that me asking was stressing her out…. And yet after that she sends me messages saying ‘love you xxx’ etc.So I stopped asking.It was a bit of a confusing slap in the face. So we have gone on close to a year now messaging mostly once a day without any verbal or visual contact.I had mostly told myself to move on (even if I hadn’t accepted it) but thought I needed closure. I text her to ask if she had moved on and she replied saying “what? moved on from you?!”. When I replied yes she ignored the matter.I then had a call out of the blue weeks later saying something along the lines of “I don’t know why I haven’t been calling you more often at this time, it’s a convenient point in my week”. I said I thought she just didn’t want to talk to me and she said “Why would you think that?!”So….i’m still in limbo but am excepting that I need to move on regardless of how much I am holding on…I know she has moved on and is either avoiding telling me as such or to be honest (in her own words) she is quite cold and I very sadly have to admit that it is likely a case of out of sight out of mind.I have tried to get her on the phone now for close to 8 months to talk it through but no luck. The last thing I ever wanted to do after 6 years was end it over text!!! I’m wondering if she moved on a long time ago and I have just been very slow to get the point. So I am trying to move on now…——Second point…. To move on…. after prompting from friends I have started to look on dating sites again…and it’s giving me mixed feelings…I am getting excited at the prospect of talking to other girls and meeting them. I am a one lady kind of guy and am uncomfortable even talking to multiple ladies as I’d prefer to focus on one, see if it works, rinse repeat etc rather than have multiple women ‘on the go’ so it is not my ideal way to meet someone but I guess many people can say that. Not that I have much in the way of options anyway 😀 But every time I send a message I get this horrible feeling of guilt. I have met up with one girl for a drink which was nice enough but that was it. The point is though, I got a yes to the date and I remember physically going from a feeling of happiness and smiling, to an overwhelming sense of sadness and my mind going over the last 6 years!I may well be missing something obvious here but I am feeling stuck in an emotional rut. The answers may be obvious but I just can’t get my head round it. How do I move on and how do I get myself ready to date again?Thanks all!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2018):
Try not to “force” yourself to dating. Spend time with your friends, do go on little dates here and there but TRY to not see them as “marriage or long term dating prospects”.And lastly, I would say my goodbyes to your ex. Wish her well and then CUT OFF all contact. BLOCK, DELETE, REMOVE her cumber and contact info and BLOCK her from any and all social media.You have spend the last 8 months beating a dead horse. THAT should be your closure. The fact that she CAN’T be bothered to find time for a phone call or Skype call should make it QUITE clear to you that it’s over and SHE is DONE, she just haven’t come out and told you… because 1. she doesn’t want to be the “bad guy and dump you” and 2. she like the attention she gets from you 3. she can’t be bothered to give a flying fart about your feelings.Give yourself a break. Get to know new people but relax on trying to meet a new GF. It doesn’t sound like you are totally over your ex, which means you aren’t REALLY ready to date someone new. Which is why I suggest you stick to getting to know people, socialize and have some casual dates here and there.
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