I have been with my partner for 4 years. We recently got married.Over all I was happy with the way things were and I grew very accepting of the fact that my partner is just not as affectionate as I am or at least that he doesn’t show it physically or verbally.I have brought it up to his attention and talking about it we came to the conclusion that it has a lot to do with our upbringing. My parents aunties and uncles have always been very affectionate, verbally and physically. they are very supportive of us all. So me and my siblings grow up to be that way.When I mention it to my husband he says he’ll make and effort. Which usually lasts for a maximum of a week. Then he is right back to no hugging or kissing me or even encourage me in anyway verbally.I don’t know if I am to clingy. I might be I don’t know. But it is slowly being depleting my self-esteem and self confident. When I need emotional support I ring my parents or stay with them. Being at my parents makes me feel great, hopeful! Just the way that they’ll give me an occasional cuddle passing by or a kiss on the forehead brings me comfort. Even know that I am an adult they continue to do that.My husband will be affectionate alright. When he is in the mood. Beside that he never cuddles me or spontaneously kisses me.I have just noticed how strongly I feel about this too. It never crossed my mind. I always thought I was ok with the way he is.I always joke about it and say it is just the way things are.But lately I found myself getting really down and I wanted to snuggle under him but he couldn’t reciprocate, I hugged him but he didn’t even wrap his arms around me and I just lay there feeling empty.My eyes welled up and I couldn’t help it I cried. It really shocked him I never cry when I am upset I vent then I am over it. He usually listens joins in gives feedback etc. He doesn’t use encouraging words like you’ll be ok and I am here for you but he does listen.But this time i cried, I cried like I use to when i was a wee child, uncontrollable sobbing. I cried and he didn’t know what to do. He asked me what was wrong but we have had this conversation so many times before I didn’t feel like explaining it to him again.Now I am feeling like this relationship can’t offer me what I am looking for and I am wasting my time, I been thinking he doesn’t really love me but that he is just complacent to be in a relationship with someone he is sort of compatible with.As he is going away for a few weeks to visit his family up north I told him I will miss him ( I couldn’t go so I told him to go ). This is the first time I won’t be spending Christmas with him in 4 years. so I told him I’ll miss him and so will my family. But he couldn’t bring himself up to say spending time away from me during Christmas bothered him. it kept asking him, which of course made me feel even worse about myself. Having to ask my husband over and over again if he would even miss me. but all he said was, yeah it’ll be weird not been here. with everyone.well that concludes it. I give up. Can’t be emotionally chasing him any longer.Do you see any solution to this?
View related questions: christmas, in the mood, kissing, move on
|<– Rate this Question|
Reply to this Question
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
A female reader, followtheblackrabbit + ♥, writes (26 November 2018):
I think counseling could possibly help. This is so sad. You’re a flower that needs to be watered with sprinkles of affection and encouragement and he’s the stingy cloud that cannot/ does not provide. I am concerned that after you cried so intensely from his lack of response to you, he STILL could not just hold you and persist on finding out what was the matter. I’m not very affectionate at times, but I learned to be because that physical affirmation of love is so crucial to a relationship. Did you know that babies who are not held lovingly are at a higher risk of dying? There’s a reason for it. Human beings need that closeness, I do not think you are being clingy. I don’t know enough to conclude whether or not your husband is selfish, has a personality disorder or has some deep-rooted issue that led to being incredibly distant. But I know enough to say that you don’t deserve this. To be so unhappy and lonesome with someone you love is horrible and you admit that it’s breaking you down. Explain it to him one more time, show him what you wrote if you’re unable to fully verbalize it. Suggest counseling. Something has to be done. Try one more time before giving up. I sense that you love him and if he truly loves you, he will also do his part. If not, then you’ll know to walk away. Wish you the best.
|<– Rate this answer|