Thank you Aunts and Uncles for the advice you gave me last time I posted on this subject:
I’ve had a friend since we were born – my father’s best friend’s daughter, who’s been using my inability to tell her “no” for a few decades…Anyway… I did better this time when she invited herself for Christmas. I told her that she should participate in expenses of her stay, shares the chores… and she did. Most of the time. What bugs me the most is that before the Christmas holiday (that she was about to spend with my family at the house we rent) she offered to do something and when I gladly accepted, she promised she would and then… well, she just found a reason not to.Here’s what happened:Everybody knows that she invites herself over for holidays and that that’s only one of the many things she asks me to do for her. (I know, I’m responsible for letting her and I’ve been working towards changing that, as I said I had done better this year ;). In retrospect, I think she may have felt a bit embarrassed because of it. So, somewhat theatrically, she offered in front of my family and friends if I wanted to use some of her business contacts to expand my work. She then went on to say how much she knew how talented, capable, hardworking… I was and that it won’t be a problem. I accepted (and was surprised since she had never EVER done that before, not even when I would ask her). My family was no less surprised. The only one who told me to watch out was my grandma, who has known her ever since she was a kid.Anyway, during the holiday she would return to the subject from time to time – usually when some of my friends or family were present. She even went so far as to ask me to prepare my portfolio that she would later own give to her contacts – there was nothing to prepare I already had everything so I gave it to her. She was surprised but said that it was great and that nothing should be changed. I was never the one to bring that subject up, she knew I was interested. fast-forward to January 1. On our way home she suddenly changed her tune in the car. She told me she would have to wait for *something* to happen before she could talk to her friends/business contacts about me. My husband just looked at me and said nothing (we were all in the car together)… because that *something* had already happened! i was there when she got the confirmation. She was on a speakerphone on a parking lot standing next to us…So… I don’t know what my question is. Could it be that she was manipulating us, because she felt bad. Did she want to look good in front of my friends and family without actually wanting to help?I don’t know…Thank you!
View related questions: best friend, christmas
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2019):
I would say yes, it was all for show, to make HERSELF look good. I would also say that IF she REALLY had wanted to help you, she would have done so AGES ago. Now, does she OWE you to do so? I don’t think a friend (or acquaintance) HAVE to mix friendship with business. AT all. I think it can in some cases be a really bad idea. In this case, YOU really DO NOT want to depend on her to make a living. THAT is on you. Make your own contacts, do your own networking. Succeed because OF your talent, not her contacts.If you feel you can’t cut her off entirely, I would say you need to SERIOUSLY downgrade her to an “acquaintance” and that means NO more inviting herself to family holidays etc.I would NOT bring it up with her, but I WOULD as soon as she talks about NEXT Christmas let her know that next year there will be no guests, that she will need to figure something else out. Not because she didn’t keep her promise about the business contact but because the FAMILY holiday should FOR ONCE just be about family. It’s something YOU and your family have wanted for a long time but haven’t had the nerve to tell her.And if she still has your portfolio, get it back. If you don’t think she really intends on helping you, there is no need for her to have it.(And DO get it back before you make sure she knows this next Christmas she isn’t going to butt in on your family).Other then that, good that you told her to pitch in and that she actually did it. GOOD for you.
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