Hi, i hope i can get some advice here to move on in my life.
I have been with my boyfriend coming up two years, we get on well and i feel we are compatible. but there is a problem. My boyfriend went to America when he was 19 years old, stayed with a woman he talked to online and basically ended up in a relationship with her (she was the same age and already had two kids by the time seh was 19)He has told me he married her because he was young and naive, she moved over to England and left the two kids behind with their grandparents. He said he was unhappy with her for years and wasted his twenties with someone. He has told me she cheated on him and was a horrible person (other people have verified this) He left her and they divorced in 2008, she married someone else. He told me all of this but he never told me the next bit, i discovered this myself.Now all the above is fine and of course understandable. But then her second husband left her and the person she contacted was my boyfriend, this was in 2013, he gave her money to put a bond down on a house, he stayed over there on several occasions for a good six months from the start of that year he was in contact with her. When i asked him why he had not told me that FIVE years after his divorce to this ‘wicked’ woman did he help her he said she contacted him, he had not heard from her in years, she gave him the sob story that her second marriage had ended and she had nowhere to go (her husband was in the army and on quarters). He said he stayed over because there was a direct train route for him to travel and he sometimes went to collect money she owed. He said nothing ever happened between them. But her Facebook posts said different, she tagged him stating they went for drinks, had meals out, a weekend away and while nothing showed they had actually reconciled the posts suggested they was close. This woman has yet again moved on but lives fairly near though luckily not so close i have ever seen her in person. He has told me that after the six months in 2013 he cut off contact altogether as he knew she had used him for his money and he knew he was not going to get it back, nothing has shown they have stayed in contact. But things i can’t get my head around, why would he help someone he claims to have disliked so much after what she did? Why would she put things on Facebook claiming they did those things of which he denies? True he never liked or commented on her posts at the time but she tagged his name? And with all this i feel she must have meant far more to him than he lets on, he has told me he never loved her and married her because he was young and went along with something he never really wanted to be in…It is driving me mad to think that he is lying about all this and also that this woman came back into his life so easily. I don’t think he is the cheating type and he has told me she means nothing to him but i am struggling to accept his version of events as the truth, in that she meant littleAll advice appreciated on this
View related questions: divorce, facebook, money, move on
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 December 2018):
You are DIGGING in his past, why? And digging around HER Facebook page, in her OLD stuff from PRE 2013! seriously, OP – that’s obsessive and intrusive. And not helping you ONE bit.Whatever dysfunctional marriage and then relationship they HAD is in the past. Why he did what he did is REALLY none of your business. Maybe he did help her, maybe he DID feel sorry for her (even if she was a evil wench who used him terribly), maybe she was just THAT manipulative.Maybe he thought he loved her back in the day when he first married her and then later come to realize that it probably wasn’t love. Or maybe he did love her in some capacity and SO WHAT?! Sure, he might not want to ADMIT that he PICKED a flawed partner and STAYED with her for that long.Pretty sure, YOU have done some stupid stuff when you were 19. Thing you rather NOT look back on or even discuss. His “stupid thing” was marry someone because he had some kind of “white knight syndrome” and thought he would rescue her from whatever bad life she had painted for him OR that she was actually living.And I get that HIS version of events doesn’t entirely line up with the one YOU have imagines and fabricated from snippets from HER Facebook page and your own notions, so really YOU have to decide HOW important is it that WHAT he believes or WANT to believe match up with what YOU want to believe?What does all this actually matter to you? HOW does it affect you? (hint it really doesn’t as ALL this happened BEFORE he met you) And WHY do you feel YOUR “version” must be more true than his?Surely, you have had some events that when to shit in your past that you now “gloss” over IF you even talk about them… So why can’t he?IF you think there is danger of her popping back in his life and making things hard for you, then either DON’T date the guy, as you don’t trust his judgement. Or live life with him one day at the time. Enjoy what you have, keep working on the relationship and leave the PAST in the past. He can’t change the past, neither can you.
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